March 30, 2014

Survivor Cagayan: Yup, Another Quitter

3/30/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Survivor: Cagayan
Week 5

Solana gets back to camp and Lindsay is pissed at Trish.  Lindsey repeatedly tells Trish she's annoying, and Trish could care less.  Someone's cranky cause of betrayal!  Lindsey is moping on a log when suddenly Probst pops out of the woods to talk to her.  Lindsey is so against being around Trish, believing she'll freak out on her, but can't be around her and quits.  Well that's a first.  Talk about a poor sport who can't just handle it.  And honestly if you can't resolve issues without violence, don't come on a show that's all about pushing buttons. Probst moseys to Solana camp to tell the tribe Lindsey quit the game.  Trish feels a little bad but also, c'mon, toughen up Lindsey.  Tony obviously takes credit, because everything is part of his brilliant plan.  And now Woo and his double buns are in more trouble than before.

The tribes convene for the Reward Challenge and Aparri's mind is blown when they see there's two gone, not one.  It's another physical battle challenge where two survivors enter the ring balancing a little idol, trying to knock off their competitor's idol.  Reward on the line is the winning tribe gets to raid the losers camp.  They can get all their goods! And maybe in a summer camp move, some undies??  Despite the shitshow from the night before, Solana wins the reward.  Woo and Tony are chosen by the tribe for the raid and get a little note to bring along too.  Question is, will Tony bring back his infamous spy shack?

At Aparri camp, the note specifies which items they're allowed to take.  There's also a hidden immunity idol clue for back at Solana beach (they take comfort and fishing items).  Always thinking, Tony comes up with a lie to give the idol clue, which doesn't even apply to their beach, to biggest threat Jeremiah to target him.  Aparri's mind is blown, "Jeremiah is unpredictable!" "Tony and Woo want to work with him!"  Jeremiah heads into the woods and reads his clue, which is the exact same clue that they received when he was on the Beauty beach.  He knows it's a fake, but Tony took back the clue so he has no proof and instead becomes the biggest target on his tribe.  Tony and Woo are laughing it up recapping this to Solana. Tony is so happy and trusting with his tribe that he comes clean about being a cop.  But his tribe also get confirmation that he's a liar, willing to do whatever to move ahead so it actually backfires a smidge.

Immunity is back up for grabs in a pretty cool challenge.  It requires constructing a staircase, navigating a big, tall bamboo maze, and untying knots.  But wait, there's more! A bamboo slide, unraveling a key, using a machete to drop puzzle pieces, and solving a puzzle. Oh and that puzzle is a combination! Challenge to the extreme!  It's exciting to watch the challenge, which is neck-in-neck the whole time. Solana wins immunity, hugging, while Tony is chanting "top five!"  Sarah is not too pleased to overhear "top five" when she's on the other side.

Tony's chant is the topic at Aparri camp, who found it overconfidant and very telling.  Alexis believes they wouldn't be so confident if they didn't have a sixth Aparri ally, who she believes it's Jeremiah.  Alexis or Jeremiah are the top candidates to send home since they have connections on the other tribe (Sarah is smooth sailing).  After weeks of horrible, the brains run this shit.

Tribal Council time!  Probst asks if it's basically tribal tightness: three brains, three beauty, one brawn.  The beauties kind of admit they aren't so tight.  The brains are glad the others aren't so awesome and had problems too, but they need a fixed tribe.  Sarah talks about how she's been dropped, now a lone wolf after Tony's "top five" chant.  The biggest concern is the eventual merge, but Alexis is too focused on taking out what could be an ally (Jeremiah) rather than easy pickens (Sarah).  Morgan reminds the group that Alexis could flip too.  Alexis insists she wouldn't flip and only her and Sarah keep their word; Jeremiah is a proven liar.  But the tribe decides to send Alexis crying out of the game.

March 24, 2014

Survivor Cagayan: Drop Your Buffs, Lose Your Minds

3/24/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Survivor: Cagayan
Week 4

The Brain tribe acknowledges they're totally screwed and complete losers, but they can stick together to win.  Well that's of course not going to happen because the tribes are shuffling!  Brains, brawn, and beauty are jumbled into two tribes of seven - game ON! Aparri (orange) now consists of Sarah, Spencer, Morgan, Tass, Tasha, Jeremiah, and Alexis. Solana (purple) Woo, Trish, Cliff, Lindsay, Jefra, LJ, and Tony.  The Brains were able to stick together, and Brawns numbers allow them a big dominance on the new Solana (sorry Sarah).  Their first challenge as new tribes is for one person to hold onto a pole while two members of the other tribe rip, claw, and slap at them to make them let go and drag them through the sand.  Nothing like a little violence to bond!  But donuts, brownies, and cookies are on the line! Solana wins reward due to their amazing ability to rip people from poles and the fact that it is impossible to move a big ass dude like Cliff off a phone pole.

The new Solana gets to know each other while shoving sugary sweets into their mouths.  LJ and Jefra are outsiders, but Trish is happy to meet a fellow Massachusetts resident on the island, not to mention a hot one (LJ is happy to play this up).  Cliff expresses his relief to Woo that so much Brawn got to stick together, but worries about Trish.  His worries are correct as Trish is ready to stop being "bottom of the barrel," but doesn't seem to understand she was in the majority and going from four allies to two is dumb.  Meanwhile at Aparri, lone survivor Sarah shows everyone the camp and asks who went for the idol on day one.  Morgan is accidentally outed by this revelation in front of former beauties Alexis and Jeremiah, so she's pretty screwed.  Alexis jumps ship immediately and attempts to align with the Brain trio, and they're like yesssss desperate people will come to us (and more do).  Regardless of the Brain tribe being god awful, the Beauty tribe just hate each other too much to try and bond for the sake of numbers.

Probst calls in the tribes for this week's Immunity Challenge, which is to use a battering ram to bang some wooden walls.  That battering ram is dual purpose: it's a puzzle too!  There's really not much to say recap-wise, but Probst does dumps the smaller terrifying immunity idol and leaving us with one big creepy idol to stand for immunity, though it still remains unknown in tiki gender. The underdog Aparri tribe wins immunity, which includes the Brains who are like "Oh, so this is what winning is?"

Given Solana's numbers of five brawn vs. two beauty, it seems obvious that either LJ or Jefra will go home.  Especially with Tony, who has moved his focus from Cliff to LJ, since Tony refuses to allow another alpha around him.  LJ makes his plea that he's useful in challenges, but it's hard to argue that point when it's a tribe of strong, smart people who won all the prior challenges.  Lindsay is worried about Trish, but Woo tells her to brush it off because it's just how she is.  Trish tells LJ the game has changed and she wants to get out Cliff.  She tells Tony her plan for them to finally get rid of Cliff and even Tony is like, "Hellllll no, you idiot."  One thing: LJ has an idol and if it looks bad, he's going to play it.

Tribal time!  Probst brings up the obvious imbalance in numbers and LJ says him and Jefra are trying their hardest to get in.  Cliff brings up that numbers are important right now and you can't use your emotions just yet (Woo backs him up).  Jefra explains that of the five, someone is at the bottom and can always move to something else.  The brawn are experiencing their first tribal council yet, which is different for them and will really show allegiance.  After voting, Probst gives his idol prompt but LJ doesn't play it and we're like, are you kidding me? Everyone knows LJ is a goner... until the votes are read. In a 4-3 vote, Cliff is blindsided right out of this game. So Tony flipped, we don't 100% know why (personally I think LJ is more a threat to Tony but Tony is crazy). Daaaaaamn, this game is great!  And look, it shocks us all!

March 17, 2014

Survivor Cagayan: Chicken, Egg, Moron

3/17/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Survivor: Cagayan
Week 3
We get the first reward challenge of the season, which the brains practice for again since they're starving since J'Tia is a rice-dumping moron.  Each tribe will have one caller who instructs his blindfolded tribemates to collect miscellaneous items on a course, then hoist it up a pulley to their caller.  The winning tribe gets three egg laying hens and a rooster (for hot, erotic bird time), while the second place team gets a dozen eggs.  Justin Bieber would have a field day with those eggs.  Everyone bumps into stuff with a lot of bruised testicles and vaginas in the process.  The beauty wins the big reward, while the Brains completely blows it for her tribe... AGAIN! The brawn get the eggs, while should promptly be thrown at the brains but I guess eating is cool too.

Morgan isn't a fan of Jeremiah anymore and confronts him about flipping votes, then makes sure to tell others he was gunning for LJ.  Jeremiah finds the immunity idol clue in the chicken feed, and proving the dunce he is, reads the clue for the idol aloud to everyone.  LJ is like sheeeeeeit glad I have it.  Continuing their streak of wisdom, the Beauty tribe attempt to figure out how chickens reproduce.  The only smart one, LJ, solves the chicken vs. the eggs theory (eggs first, cause dinosaurs laid eggs) and beheads a chicken with his hands.  At the Brawn camp, Sarah sees Cliff and Lindsay horsing around and remembers the stories (lies) Tony told her.  She's ready to make a move and approaches Woo to blindside Cliff, who doesn't need the money, and even he's down.  Tony's excited to make the move and swears on his badge, which he doesn't give a shit about because he's scummy.  Sarah is so eager to make this happen that she wants to throw the challenge.  But guys, it might be basketball and Cliff will kill it!

The immunity challenge is shootin' hoop, so good luck throwing it with an NBA player on your tribe. The survivors dive underwater to collect buoys that will be shot into a basket.  It becomes apparent the Brawns are throwing the tribe when Trish feigns trouble diving down to get her buoy, quitting so they can move along.  But the best part is that even throwing a challenge, the Brains are terrible and the Brawns eventually catch up to them.  The Beauty tribe easily wins yet again, and despite the best efforts to tank it, the Brawns come in second. J'Tia is truly a delight for this game.

Back to the Brains camp, but I think at this point we could just call them the Loser tribe, right?  Spencer is pretty threatened by the lady bond since they were the ones who voted out the strong guys.  Spencer reminds Kass and Tasha that he's an asset in challenges, so the women go off and wonder what to do.  Kass and Tasha decide to keep Spencer but not tell him, mainly because they fear another J'Tia freakout.  J'Tia's argument to keep her is her undying loyalty, even if there's a tribe shuffle.  Tasha's like wait, maybe we need loyalty over challenge wins, forgetting that if you don't win challenges you have to eliminate people (or be eliminated yourself).  You are a tribe of buffoons.

Tribal time! Probsts kicks it off with big WTF shrug because, hello, losers.  J'Tia explains swimming isn't her thing, but unfortunately Tasha has to remind her she has failed in all challenges.  The rice comes up and Kass says it was an emotional decision, not a sign of disloyalty.  Spencer acknowledges that he was on the wrong side of the vote last time and yes, him and Garrett fudged their alliance, but he doesn't want to go.  Meanwhile, Kass and Tasha are whispering while he's talking trying to figure out what to do.  Poor superfan Spencer is on a tribe of ding dongs and stuck kissing ass to try and keep himself alive in the game.  Thankfully, his tribemates have some common sense and realize oh yeah, the person who is the absolute worst at challenges should bet he one to get rid of.

March 11, 2014

Survivor Cagayan: Dot, Dot, Dot, Hmph!

3/11/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Survivor: Cagayan
Week 2
Cagayen is a stormy disaster and everyone is completely miserable. Cold, windy, rainy, pruny hands.  It's getting to everyone, but some more than others (like the Beauty gals).  While everyone is moping in the rain, LJ makes a correct assumption that last week Morgan was snooping for an immunity idol in the ocean.  Sure 'nuff, he finds the idol.  Post-tribal council, Spencer knows he's kinda screwed as last man standing and Kass is worried the women will turn on her.  Biggest problem is a lack of water and rice, leaving them hungry and cranky.  Desperate to avoid being Pagonged, this goof troop of a tribe practices tossing water in buckets to prepare for the challenge.  Over at the Brawn camp, Tony decides to come clean to Sarah that he is a cop to which she's like "No shit."  Apparently there's a super cop bond and they're going to stick together.  Best way to bond: lie. Tony lies that Cliff and Lindsey were talking about Sarah, and she totally buys it because cop bond is for life.  I have a feeling one day Sarah is gonna be preeeeeetty pissed at Tony.

This week's Immunity Challenge is similar to tree mail's hint, which is to collect water from the ocean and toss the bucket along to their tribemates, so expect lots of spills and drops.  The water will be collected to raise a ball up that will then have to be navigated through a maze.  It's all worth it with tarp and shelter supplies for the winning tribe and just a tarp for second place, which is worth everything in the torturous stormy weather.  And if it doesn't rain, might I suggest a toga fashioned from the tarp?  Surprise: the Brain tribe is god awful at the physical part, in part to Tasha and J'Tia dropping their buckets, but allowing Kass to do the puzzle is great.  The Brawns win immunity and full reward, and the Brains pull ahead to defeat the Beauty.  "I'll miss you at Tribal Council," Probst jokes to the Brains as they collect their tarp.

The Beauty tribe gets to play the actual game of Survivor now since the Brains finally won something.  LJ's concern now is Brice, who he sees as a threat down the line.  And we all know how thinking about the end of the game panned out before.  LJ believes he has Jeremiah, but Jeremiah is also kinda with Brice and Morgan.  Brice wants to vote out Alexis, so if they have Jeremiah they just need to flip Jefra, who receives mind boggling news that people are actually trying to have strategies to advance in the game.  No shit, it's Survivor - play the game, ding dong.  Alexis and Jefra, the real geniuses, want to split the votes between Morgan and Brice in case there's an idol.  Except Jeremiah is in the middle and showing his cards right away.

Tribal time!  The Beauty tribe light their torches cause fire represents life (!) and it begins.  Probst asks how everyone felt about being considered a beauty and I'm going to hold back the shade here.  Brice knows that Morgan and him are on the outs, but points out how some people (specifically Alexis) have never approached him to talk strategy.  In terms of idols, there's been "talk on the town" (said three times by Brice, and once awesomely by Probst) that there could be one out there.  Come voting, the tribe is forced into a three-way tie between Morgan, Brice, and Alexis.  Those three sit out the vote and LJ, Jefra, and Jeremiah will re-vote.  The tie-breaker eliminates Brice and his wonderful purple pants.  This will surely be the talk of the town.

March 10, 2014

The Bachelor: Juan Pablo's Horrible Season is Finally Over

3/10/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Week 10

America waves their hands in unending praise, as Juan Pablo's journey is finally ending.  I know for a fact the live audience at After the Final Rose can't wait for it to be over because they picture-in-picture them looking miserable the entire episode.  The fans in the audience are confident this relationship will crumble, Catherine is extra chatty after getting laid by Sean at long last, and the girls of this season all know it's a clunker.

Juan Pablo's family gets a free trip to Saint Lucia to meet his final two, Nikki and Clare.  It's Clare's big moment to meet Camilla, and Clare finds him being a fun dad to be a sexy thing.  Clare blabs lots of stuff to his family, how much she loves him, her desire to pop out a bunch of babies stat or that her and Juan Pablo really communicated after their "fight " (slut-shaming).  The next day Nikki meets the rest of Juan Pablo's family, because she randomly met them weeks ago on that date where she wore inappropriately short shorts to a children's dance recital.  This time she shows a little cleave and a bare back because, hey, it's hot in Saint Lucia.  Nikki says she is in love with Juan Pablo, but his parents this time spend a lot of time pointing out what a miserable life with an overly honest and blunt Juan Pablo would be (weekends of just watching TV with his kid, apparently).  But she's like "Ehhh s'ok" because Juan Pablo's rubbed off on her.  "Best decision I ever made," Nikki says and dear god, that's going to be one of those statements you regret.

It's taken the entire season, but we FINALLY get a helicopter date when Juan Pablo and Clare have their last date.  As the helicopter lands, there's a moment with cameras and only the helicopter pilot, apparently Juan Pablo leaned in and whispered something to Clare that makes her speechless - an insulting and offensive sexual comment. He also apparently says they don't really know each other, but he enjoyed hooking up with her.  But apparently in much filthier terms.  And we know she never can stop talking.  Clare immediately begins to question this guy she's fallen for, blown away by this alarming sweet nothing.  Later that night, when usually the girl gives the guy a craft to express her love, Clare confronts Juan Pablo about what he said to her in the moment they could've had a real, wonderful private memory.  Juan Pablo goes on the offense, saying "You don't know me enough. I don't know you enough."  Of course to him, everyone is OK because he's being honest, even if honesty is crude.  Clare's just worried he's onto into something physical and nothing more, and after telling her not to blame him while he blames her but claims it's a joke, he says he knows some things but maybe he's not ready for it all.  It's all super jerky but, of course, smooths things over and she's giggly because, ugh.  This show is Stockholm Syndrome.

And now it's time for Nikki's last date, where they makeout on a boat and beach instead of a helicopter which means you don't need to turn off the cameras for landing procedures.  Nikki brings up to him that maybe he's guarded and not sharing everything, to which he of course says no.  A real telling moment is when Nikki asks what he'll do after being on this private island, which is to watch sports on TV alone.  Nikki is all wrapped up in her head wondering what Juan Pablo is thinking, to which we all know the answer: not too much.  In this hotel wrap-up, Nikki does a lot of awkward staring into the distance which I'd like to think is her using a Gob Bluth voice to say, "I've made a huge mistake."  But apparently it's her thinking about losing this "unreal" relationship with a total dud.  Nikki's gift to Juan Pablo is a picture of them riding horses on their last date that a producer had made up for her, because you know she didn't get dropped off at CVS to do this.  They share some parting kisses and cries into her fist.

It's the last day and both girls are sooo excited at the possibility of being engaged to Juan Pablo.  Listen, they haven't seen the season yet and have been reality TV prisoners - they'll know better soon.  Juan Pablo wearing a navy blue suit and is waiting by a bunch of wicker planters for the first girl to get dropped off via boat.  Clare is first and we all know what that means: she's getting dumped.  She's sure this is going to be positive since after being shamed a few nights ago for the second time he made it all seem OK.  But it's not and maybe the silence and her having to start the conversation before a proposal should've been a giveaway.  His speech to her is all nice things and he wishes the "earth sucked me" so he could've avoided this shitty outcome of dumping her, but hey, he's honest!  "I have to say goodbye to you," he says as he goes in for a jug, which she rejects.  She tells him off for leading her on, for not being honest like other girls were to him, and leaves saying she'd never want her children to have a father like him. DAYUM YOU GO GIRL! If only you said this two days ago when he was a turd the first time.  "OOF, I'm glad I didn't pick her!" Juan Pablo says. And that's the sound of America simultaneous groaning.

Nikki, wear a cobalt blue with a crazy high slit that doesn't surprise us, gets dropped off so her and Juan Pablo can be all matchy in blue.  He's fiddling around with the Neil Lane diamond halo he picked out, which we didn't see since we were too busy learning Juan Pablo was a total creep to Clare.  Anyways, Nikki voiceovers how excited she is to hear Juan Pablo loves her, the moment is near, blah blah.  Once together, she calls him an amazing person, loves him, wants to be together - all stuff that we're like, oh jesus girl you can do better.  Juan Pablo says their time together has been perfect, but also recalls Nikki's dad saying if he is going to propose he should be 100% sure.  Despite having a ring in his pocket, "I'm not going to use it."  He's decided they shouldn't get engaged but they should continue dating so instead of a $20,000 ring she gets a $3 rose because "I like you a lot."  But she accepts the final rose and they kiss a bunch, because duh, it's all they do and who can resist such a catch?

After the Final Rose

The finale rolls into After the Final Rose, where Clare is the first to come onstage.  Watching it back, Clare said it was hard and brought back the sting of that shitty day.  Chris Harrison brings up the helicopter comment, which she still doesn't want to repeat (allegedly he said, "I really loved f-cking you.")  Clare admits maaaaybe she was rocking a seriously heavy pair of rose colored glasses during this situation.  "I should've left," she says after her gut told her Juan Pablo sucked.  Clare doesn't think Juan Pablo is the man she thought he was and probably not there for the right seasons.  She is proud of herself for finally standing up to a man for treating her, and women, like garbage; that's her closure and she declines to talk to Juan Pablo again in front of the audience while he spews more fake spit to try and be liked.

Juan Pablo does come out alone and the audience is preeeetty sparse in any applause.  Juan Pablo said he didn't come there to play games and he made the decision good for him and "it is what it is."  His explanations of everything are god awful, if not nonsensical.  At one point he talks about us who hide behind a computer and the only reason I'm behind a computer is because I haven't seen Juan Pablo face-to-face.  And guaranteed if I met him, I'd throw him a look of shade and tell him how I felt.  Then, Nikki comes out onstage and has to clear up her saying "It's very over" to explain she's in love with Juan Pablo, they're still dating, and she hopes maybe he's in love with her.  She explains he expresses feelings differently and he wouldn't be here if he didn't care about her.  Chris Harrison is still like "Wait, shouldn't he love you by this point?"

Juan Pablo and Nikki are reunited together onstage and the audience could care less.  Now their four month secret can be in the open and they can hang out in public.  He supposedly told network executives there'd be a big surprise tonight, but there isn't.  Still no "love" dropped, but he claims he's private and this is real life.  "I'm being honest!" is the new Juan Pablo catchphrase, particularly when he calls out Chris Harrison for interrupting him to move along the show from Juan Pablo's nonsense.  The "success squad" reminds Juan Pablo that by signing up for the show you have no privacy, but he's OK with Juan Pablo taking his time to say I love you since everyone is different.  Chris Harrison is like, express your feelings, be happy, shine!  Because even Chris Harrison knows Juan Pablo is full of shit.  The couples plans changed "drastically" in the last two weeks which he won't say what it is, but it's that Dancing with the Stars dumped his ass.  Juan Pablo wants to keep everything private now because the show's over (Sean gives the reality check that it won't be private, and Catherine says "don't slap the hand that fed you.")  Chris Harrison explains that the viewers watch this show to watch the lead's journey and be part of their love story, so by being private it's opposite the premise.  So awkward and what a ridiculous season.  "Good on ya!" says a mind-boggled Chris Harrison.

To complete the night, Chris Harrison announces that Andi is the new Bachelorette.  Yes, the girl who called out Juan Pablo for being a selfish ass won America's hearts and will now allow us to find a much better suitor for her.  Plus, it gives Chris Harrison some more time to make fun of Juan Pablo for being a douche.  Andi will be a great Bachelorette and in all honesty, ANYONE will be better than Juan Pablo.

March 5, 2014

Survivor Cagayan: Total Brain Fart

3/05/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Survivor: Cagayan
Week 1

Welcome to Survivor: Cagayen! Eighteen newbies are split into three tribes: brains, brawn, and beauty.  Rocking his Survivor cap and his blue shirt which he has about 94 duplicates, Jeff Probst asks each tribe to choose a leader.  Just by looking at each other and making assumptions, big handsome LJ is the beauty leader, Sarah the cop is the brawn leader, and David the dude in a suit is the brains leader.  Twist time: Probst asks the leader to name the weakest in each group.  LJ picks Morgan for being too hot, Sarah picks Trish the token older lady on her tribe, and David picks muscuclar Garrett.  Wait, what?  David shows his hand so quickly, going for the strongest guy because he's already looking forward to the last 2/3s of the game.  Ohhh David, use your brain. 

The three weaklings aren't eliminated but instead get a helicopter ride to camp where they have to make a decision that affects their tribe.  The big decision is whether to double the supplies for their tribe or selfishly search for an immunity idol.  Um considering you got screwed over, take the idol.  Morgan and Garrett opt to seek immunity, while Trish prays her decision to be kind and think of her tribe doesn't bite her in the butt later.  Garrett does indeed find the idol in the water of his beach, but Morgan isn't able to find it in time and is caught by her tribe mid-search.  Hot Morgan, who I'd honestly expect to be a dunce, ingeniously claims that rice, pots, and fishing gear that are an automatic given were her gift to the tribe.  Well played busty girl, well played.

So about the tribes.  On Solana beach, that's the beauty tribe, LJ is already suspicious that Morgan probably has an idol with her headstart at camp.  Brice and his purple pants embrace Morgan to find a partner in the game.  But as a team they work well together and even start fire on their own, the old fashioned stick rubbin' way.  The Brawn (Aparri) are so relieved that Trish chose not to scorn the entire tribe, then assemble their shelter.  Tony, the Jersey-accented Vin Diesel wannabe, denies being a cop to fellow cop Sarah, who now knows to never trust him since she can read a liar.  In case you're wondering what that is, it's like three extra palm frons that he's going to try and hide under behind the shelter to eavesdrop.  Oh god, dumbass.  Cliff can't hide for too long that he was a professional basketball player given that he's like seven feet tall.  Luzon, the Brains, are a GD disaster.  Immediately, there's distrust because David tried to dump a physical asset.  You always pick the token older lady David, always. J'Tia has a "plan" for a shelter, which includes bossing everyone with her plans and ultimately failing to construct anything livable.

The tribes convene for the first Immunity Challenge which has the teams maneuver a cart through an obstacle course while collecting chests of puzzle pieces.  They'll have to deconstruct and re-construct their cart, wrapping up with assembling the puzzle pieces into a sweet dragon puzzle.  Probst shows off the new creepy immunity idols which I'm sure are soulless gremlin creatures that haunt dreams.  The winning team gets one of those immunity idols and a fire making kit; second place gets immunity and flint; third place are big old losers that head to the first Tribal Council.  Much like camp, the Brains are a disaster and fall way behind - like an embarrassingly poor performance.  The Brawn tribe has an early physical lead, but the Beauty tribe sweeps in and wins first place thanks to LJ being a puzzle beast.  The Brawns come in second and get the flint, and eventhough the Brains get to the puzzle, it is far too late.  The Brains lose and become the first team heading to Tribal Council.

As if they weren't lacking cohesion already, the Brains have to pick themselves apart immediately.  David and Kass head into the woods to talk about the vote, and David thinks J'Tia or Garrett.  David is keen on getting Garrett off because he considers him a threat when it comes to winning the end-game but that's insane thinking on day three.  Kass is very open that J'Tia isn't pulling her weight and needs to go, going so far as to tell J'Tia to her face.  J'Tia tells her new bestie Tasha, who explains that yes J'Tia is bossy, but there could be a solution.  Garrett pitches the idea to get rid of David who is already scheming.  An alliance is made for Garrett, J'Tia, Tasha, and Spencer.  Spencer worries about voting off David, fearing that when he's off wandering with Kass he actually might hold a hidden immunity idol.  Garrett still doesn't mention it's him holding an idol which would make this all a lot easier.

Tribal time!  It's pouring and the thunder is rolling, a wonderful sign from Mother Nature of the destruction to come.  Luzon dip their tribes into the fire for the ritual of fire representing life, one of my favorite things to repeat along with Jeff.  Right off the bat, J'Tia expresses that she might be a target tonight and didn't meant to be a bossypants while failing at Shelter Building 101.  David doesn't seem to have issues still with targeting Garrett, but Garrett doesn't feel that he's a target ("Not tonight," says David).  J'Tia throws it right out there that David should go, not her.  And apparently the majority of the tribe agrees and in a total Survivor premiere shocker, David is the first eliminated from the game. DAYUM!

But guess what? It's a two hour season opener so we're doing this allllllll again!

In his most Playgirl of poses, Garrett interviews about how despite surviving the first vote, he's not having fun with the level of discomfort.  Aww he hates surviving on Survivor.  But he's still gaming, so Garrett and Spencer try to set themselves up with options and attempt to pull Kass into an alleged final three alliance.  Over at the Brawn camp, Cliff and Woo become fast besties, tipping canoes together and sharing laughs ("Batman always had Robin. Jordan had Pippin. Cliff has Woo.")  Trish and Lindsey get into a spat over firewood, as Trish implies dread-lock Lindsey is the lazy one. Everyone loves Cliff which fumes Tony who wants to be the alpha running everything.  Tony decides to add a "spy shack" onto the shelter to listen to conversations late at night, but last time I checked it's like three extra palm fronds to cover him next to the existing shelter. LAME.  He's at least smart enough to search the challenge reward for an idol clue and successfully finds the hidden immunity idol.  Skip the the beauty tribe where Brice is sussing everyone out and decides to user Jeremiah's attraction to Morgan as a way to create a three person alliance.

The three tribes meet at the beach for their next Immunity Challenge.  The teams have to swim out to untie baskets of puzzles within a submerged cage, then drag the baskets back to assemble the puzzle pieces.  Despite J'Tia's slowness in the water, their tribe hits the beach first and begins their puzzle.  J'Tia takes the reign of the puzzle and completely blows it.  Their entire lead is lost as she gets super stressed when other teams do well, plus the Beauties come from behind with LJ's puzzle magic. 
The Brawn tribe wins first place which includes a deluxe fishing kit with their immunity, and the Beauty tribe comes in second so they also are immune and get a lil' fishing kit.  Yet again, the Brains are total failures and heading to Tribal Council.  Let the Pagoning commence!

The Brain tribe returns to camp and Garrett tries to issue a moratorium on gaming, trying to force everyone to openly say who they are voting out and not allowed to sneak off and game elsewhere.  J'Tia is the clear choice to go home after shitting shelter building and blowing two challenges.  Oh and because she dumps their entire stock of rice in a moment of bitterness, all while her teammates Tasha and Kass are discussing a potential blindside bossy, demanding Garrett to save J'Tia.  Guys, Tasha is here to play the game OK and you can't boss her around and hold her back from scheming!  But all the scheming can't help when J'Tia pulls such a dick move that guarantees your elimination.

Tribal time! I mean really, do we have to talk it out because if you dump out the food source you've gotta go, right?  They talk about the open forum elimination chat and Garrett's control over the situation.  Once Garrett opens his mouth, it's all a disaster.  Garrett claims he wasn't trying to mastermind things, but gets caught by openly talking about all his alliance options.  He throws Kass into the mix and she doesn't appreciate words being put into her mouth about them being in an alliance.  Then Tasha and J'Tia are surprised because they were supposed to have an alliance with Garrett too.  Garrett's spilling way too much, trying to take out everyone in the process to save himself.  It fails.  Despite burning the rice and being a detriment in challenges, J'Tia is safe and Garrett is voted out of the game.  Methinks the pre-show winner prediction knocked out a lot of people tonight.  This season is gonna rule.

March 3, 2014

The Bachelor: The Women Rage On

3/03/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Week 9 - The Women Tell All

Guys, the women from Juan Pablo's season are reunited and ready to tell all. But first, let Sean and Catherine regale you with the post-wedding bless.  And to let Chris Harrison creepily ask about their sex life. Appetite for night-time snack gone. But hey, a stingray latched onto Sean's weiner on the honeymoon so he got some extra play.

Screw happiness, let's get to the bitter ladies!  The first impression of Juan Pablo is that he was hotter in person.  Of course no one admits their second impression is "dumb as rocks." But it does come up that the conversation was severely lacking and he didn't care to ask about the women as much as talk about himself.  Some claim he wasn't there for the right reason, but even Andi disagrees: she believes he came to date, not find a wife (the opposite of their goals).  His hypocritical actions are discussed too because he'll kiss everyone, then say "I can't cause I'm a dad," or not kissing Renee to be respectful but kissing single mom Cassandra.  In terms of Puerto Rico, the women were more upset about the hot tub action instead of the ocean fondling.  Unanimous group agreement: it's not cool to slut-shame Clare.  S'OK to express yourself ladies, let the rage flow.

First to the hot seat is our beloved, awkward Sharleen.  She explains that he'd be fun to date but come the end of the season, there was no mental connection to establish a real relationship (but lots o' chemistry).  She was surprised to find out upon viewing that she was one of his favorites.  "Fan favorite" Renee says there was a connection between her and Juan Pablo given their single parent bond.  Their relationship slowly progressed since he was "respecting" her as a single mom but she was pretty open about wanting to kiss.  But who cares because Renee is engaged and over this dud.  Then there's Andi, who honestly thought going into the fantasy suite she could officially fall in love with Juan Pablo.  It started fun with laughs, but progressed into only stories about him and negative about this experience of the show.  After being told she barely made it there and blabbing about his overnight with Clare, Andi checked out officially and was like "Later loser!"  Girl was so desperate to escape she faked sleep. New hero!  But I'm sure this isn't the last of Andi, who actually thought this process can work to find true love.  Wiiiiiiiiiiink to casting!

Time to fuel the fire: bring out Juan Pablo! His denseness believes post-After the Final Rose him and the women will all be friends. LOLZ.  Juan Pablo is all about honesty even if it hurts people, because S'OK to be truthful.  His tone gets defensive real quick after a question about the Camilla defense (she's not watching, but others kids or parents might and tell her).  Cassandra thinks it's wrong that he met Renee's son at hometown dates only to dump her days later - despite his insistence that he was holding back to not hurt Ben down the line. There's definitely a disconnect between how Juan Pablo connected with the women, as some felt he did try and many felt he didn't.  Kelly brings up his "gays being more pervert" comment because she has a gay parent and was very hurt.  Juan Pablo wants to talk to her off-camera because he insists it was taken out of context. "Tell me that in Spanish!" Kelly says.  That drunk girl asks him to stop using the English-as-a-second-language excuse. The voice raises as he asks to speak later about it because even his gay friends know he isn't a homophobe. Quick, roll the bloopers - ease the tension!

Next week: it's the finale! Clare vs. Nikki! Tears! Solo walks in the jungle!

The Bachelor: S'OK to Not Fake Love for TV

3/03/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
The Bachelor: Juan Pablo
Week 8

It's hometown date week! That means these girls have to present Juan Pablo to their family like a reasonable suitor and their family either fakes the funk or is straight up that he's a dud.

First stop on the hometown tour is Nikki in Kansas City, Missouri (not Kansas) where she takes Juan Pablo out for BBQ and he eats ribs like a sissy because despite being in this country for years, has never had this cuisine.  In return for the humiliation of South Korean backup dancing, Nikki forces Juan Pablo onto a mechanical bull and it's in no way sexy or fun for us (Nikki enjoys).  Juan Pablo meets Nikki's family for dinner where he becomes family, much like the rules of Olive Garden.  Nikki confides in her mom that she's in love with Juan Pablo but wants to wait for the right time to tell him.  Her dad is basically OK with it since he trusts his daughter, but requests Juan Pablo hold off on a proposal unless he's super into it.  Nikki can't explain her love for Juan Pablo and truthfully, not a single one of us could either. DUD CITY.  An "I love you" is not said by the end of the night so I guess we'll all hold our breath until it happens.

Juan Pablo flies to Atlanta for time with Andi who is so excited to bring Juan Pablo into her own element.  Before the family time, the pair head to a gun range for some uncomfortable date time.  If only the paper targets had Juan Pablo's portrait on them.  I'm sure that's what Nikki's family is thinking too because dad, like the world, is not Team Juan Pablo.  Her family begins to hear that it took weeks for Andi to get a one-on-one date, which means not a lot of time together.  Favorite moment: mom's reaction when Andi said they went to Vietnam.  "Ohhh..."  Mom's more upset at the idea that she passed on a bad-dancing gene, so dad continues the grilling of Juan Pablo.  Andi's dad thinks it's crazy to ask for her hand in marriage when it's still a maybe with three other girls on the table.  This dad rules.  Even her sister doesn't think Juan Pablo is the one and Andi's wants re-assurance eventhough she's not totally in love with the dud either.  Despite the family's haterade, Andi still feels she close to being in love Juan Pablo.

Off to Sarasota where Renee is reunited from her son after being on this lame show for two months.  The couple makeout by Ben's baseball field before the big reunion moment and watching Ben's baseball game.  Later he meets the family while we sit through some weird moments where Renee has to catch up on all the things her son likes in her absence.  But Renee is sure her time was well spent because she's head-over-heels for the dumbass Juan Pablo.  Favorite LOL moment: Renee's dad saying Juan Pablo is a good guy and "you can really get a read on him."  Yeah the deep vacant stares tell 1,000 stories.  Renee gets all swoony but due to a "lack of flow" doesn't drop the L-bomb.

The final stop is Clare's hometown of Sacramento and she can't wait to show off the city she loves and her family, but not her dad since it's the guy she's bringing home that will be unable to meet her dad.  Instead it's a houseful of ladies with mom and the gaggle of sisters.  Clare tells one of her sisters that should Juan Pablo propose, she'd definitely say yes.  Some of the family is very happy Laura has found love, including mom.  But another sister doesn't know if they should give a marriage blessing and Clare's feels like sister Laura is putting words in mama's mouth.  No it's your sister being reasonable and pointing out that this is TV and you're enchanted by the elaborate setup of these exquisite TV dates.  The other sisters intervene to talk to Laura and encourage her to get to know Juan Pablo because he's such a winner.  And mom speaks Spanish so maybe he might make sense to her.  So in the end, Clare's family is OK with Juan Pablo and she is dying to marry him.

Juan Pablo's final four are whisked back to LA for a rose ceremony.  One will be eliminated and the other three will hop on a flight for some fantasy suite bone zonin'.  Everyone is nervous because they failed to tell Juan Pablo they love him, a card most would've played by now.  Juan Pablo chooses to move forward with the possibility of intercourse with Clare, Nikki, and Andi.  Single mom Renee is out, which makes Juan Pablo cry.  She tells Juan Pablo that she did fall in love with him but he's opened her eyes to a whole new world.   Like one full of free trips.  But she's not bitter and just hopes to find love and make a family for her and her son.

After a week of being grilled by disapproving families, Juan Pablo now has the chance to bang his final three and decide which will make a good fiance that'll dump him in two months.  This year's fantasy suite dates happen in Saint Lucia, which is absolutely gorgeous and makes me want another vacation stat.  Juan Pablo is excited for the overnight dates for the lack of cameras which allows him time to talk to the girls off-camera ("talk" - wink, wink).

Clare and Juan Pablo kick off the dates by taking a little motorboat to a big, expensive yacht.  The expensive yacht is another dream location to talk about feelings, Laura's family, and voiceover about Clare being soooo in love with Juan Pablo.  Dinner is in this really cool hut within a cave thing where Clare perfects her duckface pout while making conversation about Camilla.  Despite her earlier hesitation about accepting her fantasy suite card, like the idea of being slut-shamed by Juan Pablo again, Clare accepts the fantasy suite card because Juan Pablo approves.  In the suite they toast to knowing each other a lot more by the morning, though it can't be that much to learn since he's confused why Clare looks like she thinks too much.  Her "thinking" is making her pouty face while admitting she's falling in love with him. Ugh, they make me gag. Listen, I still feel bad about the way he treated her for their beach rendez-vous, however everything Clare does comes off phony and inauthentic to me. It's like she's trying to look like a soap star in love in every moment.  And so they spend the night "talking" in the hot tub or probably "talking" all over the suite.

Juan Pablo's second date is with Andi, who is excited to see him again eventhough her family wisely gave the opinions of disapproval.  They wander the city, play steel drums, and encourage a random Saint Lucian child to talk to strangers.  God I feel bad for the three children who were forced to share a picnic table with Juan Pablo. But at least they get to play some soccer in the process.  They ditch the locals for a ride in a land buggy to a waterfall, an ideal location to address Andi's father's reluctance to give his daughter away to some loser on a reality show.  At their cuddly dinner, Juan Pablo tells Andi there's no problem thinking, then talk a lot about overthinking.  Andi tells Juan Pablo that she's glad he brought up Atlanta because it means he was actually listening, and he's like "I always listen!" Which is hilarious since we viewers are all convinced he never listens or retains anything.  Andi accepts the fantasy suite card, which Juan Pablo says will be a good time to talk and assess whether Andi would be a good stepmom.  Andi is psyched for the overnight portion of the date and the romance that will be had.

Except it's the worst.  Juan Pablo loved how they talked and laughed for hours ("hours, hours... like HOURS!"), but Andi isn't sharing the love.  In fact she couldn't wait to escape the fantasy suite because he only wanted to talk about himself and not listen to her.  Andi admits there was a chemistry that kept her attracted and why she's still there, but last night she realized he didn't care to really learn more about her.  He even talked about his overnight with Clare, which is so gross.  Andi is repulsed by him and it's amazing to see someone finally acknowledge the BS of this process.  She can't fake it anymore and knows Juan Pablo isn't the one. Thank god because I've been saying for weeks that Andi is too smart, beautiful, and charming for Juan Pablo.

Before we can see the fallout of this disaster, Juan Pablo has his overnight date with Nikki who apparently raided the 70s section of a vintage store for a fringe swimsuit top and patterned pants.  They ride horses through the green grass besides the cresting waves of the ocean, which is so pretty.  A master of words, Juan Pablo puts his foot in his mouth about not being sure about who he's picking in the end so he does what he does best and switches to kissing to avoid speaking.  At dinner, he again points out how hard Nikki is thinking because it's the one ability he has: understanding when people are thinking really hard.  Dinner quickly moves onto the fantasy suite where Nikki eventually says "I love you" and he makes that goofy smirk of his and then they makeout.

Back to the good stuff: Andi's newfound revelation that Juan Pablo sucks.  After his chat with Chris Harrison, Juan Pablo watches the videos the girls made for him and that's when he learns Andi might be troubled.  So her video leads to her slowly walking up the hill to meet him and tell him the truth: he sucks.  Andi tells him she's not in love with him and won't be, and he's all grins and says like "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be."  Andi doesn't believe he should be "OK" with it because she missed a lot and left things behind.  Juan Pablo uses the English-is-my-second-language defense to detract from the fact that he only says "S'OK" to express feelings.  Andi's gripe is that he knows nothing about her and doesn't care to learn anything.  "I want to die if I have to hear 'It's OK' again," Andi says. "That's fine," says Juan Pablo, who proves he knows another reassuring phrase.  Apparently at some point he told Andi she was there "by default" which he was wrong to say, because he meant "barely" which is more irritating to her.  Andi hates his alleged honesty which she sees as him being a dick.  Plus, he knows nothing about her politics, beliefs, etc.  All I can say is AMEN.  Juan Pablo has been a dud all season and it's the situation of having a bunch of single women around one guy, being placed in situations that are utterly perfect, that creates this wash of emotion.  Then you hear him speak and you realize, "Wait, he's a moron."  The dud doesn't appreciate words being put into his mouth, but someone has to put some there.  Andi, you're a winner and America loves you.

If you want to talk about "by default," technically Clare and Nikki are automatically the final two since Andi quit.  But seeing as Juan Pablo knew nothing about Andi, said she "barely" made it three, and thinks everything is OK, this was likely his choice anyways.  Chris Harrison tells the women that Andi is gone, but let's Juan Pablo do the talking to poorly explain the story.  He at least gets it right that she didn't like him and he can't force someone to like him.  Juan Pablo allows them the opportunity to not take the rose in case they also have the epiphany that he stinks, but they don't.  Can you imagine a life with Juan Pablo? Oh jeez... good luck, ladies!