May 26, 2014

The Bachelorette: The Magic Mike Inspired Date of Your Nightmares

The Bachelorette - Andi
Week 2

Andi's nineteen fellas move into the house and christen it with a Bloody Mary and Screwdriver toast (I like them already).  Chris Harrison is a total buzzkill and makes them listen to a speech about love with Andi before explaining the week ahead and the rules.  There will be two 1-on-1 dates and one group date.

The first date card goes to Eric and immediately we're all a liiiiittle sad knowing what happened after the show.  But let's live in The Bachelorette present. The pair cruise in Andi's convertible before having a chill day on the beach making sandcastles (not sand boobs - missed opportunity) and flying kites.  It seems boring until a helicopter (!!) lands on the beach to fly over California. A helicopter on date #1? This season shall be great.  The helicopter lands on top of snow-covered Bear Mountain where they are joined by their third wheel: a snowboarding instructor.  Nothing says romance like bruised asses from falling down the mountain.  The two have nice chemistry and chit chat over a thermos of hot cocoa, before later having an intimate romantic cabin dinner.  Andi thinks Eric is too perfect and loves how much he travels and the stories he has, like being mistaken for spies in Syria.  But Andi wonders what would happen if he had a family and kids, and he says he's fully ready to settle down and start a new life once family enters the picture.  This is hands down the saddest date we've watched knowing how life pans out and hearing his incredible stories and dreams.  Andi gives him the rose because DUH, he's wonderful.

The next date card asks a large group of fellas to "let's bare our souls" and everything starts cracking up at "bare."  The guys are about to get naked!  It's the Magic Mike inspired date we've all dreamt of, right ladies? Yeah, not at all. The men are stripping for charity, I'm sorry, male exotic dancing for charity in front of an audience.  There are three groups (firefighters, armed men, and cowboys).  Marcus is really turning Andi on, so he gets a solo as a sailor. Nick gets the other solo where he wears a robot suit because technology gets middle aged ladies going (at least he can hide his face from the humiliation). The guys get spray tanned real nice, like pageant kids because no one likes a pasty person on stage.  They're fitted for costumes, which also includes shoving socks around their dingle-dangle to make a suitable impression.  Former castmembers Sharleen and dog lover Kelly are in attendance too because Andi needs more help scoping out her dudes.  The the performances start which are as hilarious as you'd expect because male stripping is so goofy.  Also robot Nick shows a little something you AIN'T wanna see (rhyme it, you'll understand but my mom says "sack" also works). The ladies are cat-calling, the guys are digging it, and the dollar bills are being shoved in straps and cracks.

After letting it all hang out, Andi brings her guys to a beautiful mansion for drinks and getting to know the fourteen guys who just wore G-strings for her.  Brian the teacher decides to grab Andi first to seize the day; turns out she was really impressed by his stripping confidence.  Josh M. wants Andi to know he's not the typical former pro athlete and would like her to not stereotype him.  It's another season where the Craig is a weird goofy guy, though this guy loves his libations.  Andi puts up his his drunk ass knowing that deep down there's a nice guy.  But Craig is really shitfaced, jumping into the pool, splashing around, and interrupting the guys who are genuinely trying to get to know Andi.  Craig is such a drunken fool that the producers have to intervene and take him home. Way to go, amateur!  The night goes on despite Andi's downer moments.  She's enchanted by low key Marcus, who she forced into the solo stripping spotlight, and gives him the date rose.

Chris the hot farmer gets the last date card where he and Andi attend the horse races.  Andi is wearing an adorable green dress and looks totally glam but no awesomely large derby hat, so it's a fashion failure for me.  Chris is in schlubby clothes so they suit him up in proper attire so he looks dapper (bow tie!)  The pair sit in the VIP suite, sip mint juleps, and bet on horses using production money.  An old couple sits next to them wondering how long Andi and Chris have been together.  "This is our first date!" Andi says, beginning a wonderfully staged conversation to show how long-lasting love can be.  Later they sit in this awesome vintage club-room to talk more, like about how nice it is to be on a date with someone who cares about Andi and not the open bar.  Chris opens up about his prior relationship which ended in a failed engagement, but he knows even back then the proposal wasn't right. Chris lets Andi know many times that he's here for the right reasons.  It's all the right words for Andi and she gives him the date rose.  One last surprise for the night: a surprise concert on the racetrack by a bearded man and a tattooed guy with guitars where Chris gets the first kiss of the season. And a lot of them.

There's more tension in the house than last week since the competition has really begun.  Three guys have roses, Craig caused a huge rift, and some guys didn't even have a date with Andi.  Thankfully there's a cocktail party to try and make an impression to score a rose.  Nick V. was dateless this week after getting the first impression rose previously, so he makes a fake date card to delight Andi. They both agree that want great, unconditional love.  Marquel realizes he missed time on the group date thanks to Crunk Craig so he makes sure to get time in. And some guy smashes a plate with Andi.  Josh gets the next kiss as they giggle together, but to note Andi herself makes the move in for the smooch.  The cocktail party brings Andi's optimism back that guys are here to date her and not just for free trips and booze.  But Craig apologizes in the form of a song and it cracks Andi up, while torturing all earbuds with his pitchiness.

"Y'all really brought it," Andi says to her suitors before pondering deeply in front of their picture frames.  The rose ceremony commences after Chris Harrison makes a funny about the guys being fully clothed (Harrison, you liked your lap dance - don't front).  Andi and her tatas come out and hand out roses to guys who get airtime and/or can control their liquor.  It seems Craig will have to go home and pay for drinks now instead of the ABC production's pocket. Also gone: Carl the firefighter (who also had to strip as a firefighter so double burn) and Nick S (the robot stripper who bared places unknown on broadcast television).

Next week: a two-night even with a whole bunch of dates and wondering who's here "for the right reasons"

Survivor Cagayan: Tony Wins Survivor Cagayan

5/26/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Survivor: Cagayan

After a seven minute recap of the season (don't need it, I'm diehard), we get the episode started.  Throughout the episode, the finale breaks to the live audience for Probst to ask questions, etc. and I'm not recapping that because it's pointless. Onto the episode! Tony feels bad for voting out high tightest ally, but he needed to stay with the group.  His main strategy is pretending his idol guarantees him a spot in the final three.  The others are wary of Tony's bluff as they should be because everybody knows it's standard to idols to cease power at five.  And the obvious fact that Tony lies a lot.

Kass is still pissy about Trish because she needs something to be cranky about.  Well how about getting a little happy with a family visit?  A boat pulls up with the final four's loved ones, complete with picnic baskets.  Chaos Kass gets emotional, and gives her husband the lowdown on being hated by every single person. In the finals, she plans argue that she played like a man and it's a double standard that because she's tough she's called a bitch.  I'll give Kass credit for when she played, but she seemed to be a dick sometimes for the sake of starting trouble. Even tough guy Tony's sad because he was hoping to see his wife but sounds like she decided to stay home with their baby, so he gets his bestie instead.  The happiness is great but lemme see what's in dem baskets (peanut butter and stuff - low budget if you ask me). 

The loved ones stick around for the Immunity Challenge because everyone loves a picnic and a show.  The challenge is to stand perched upon a pole, dropping a bucket into the ocean to pull up water to raise up a key.  Shocker: the key unlocks puzzle pieces which have to be assembled to win.  The poles are really high, shaking around from the castaways and the wind.  Tony retrieves his key first and climbs down as we learn Tony can't swim.  Spencer and Woo follow shortly after, both leaping from the top.  Kass seems to be a total mess and I would've counted her out, but she's pretty ballin' at puzzles and catches up to frontrunner Spencer.  Kass has krazy komeback and wins her first individual immunity.

Kass looks forward to booting Spencer and completing her dream of going to the end (and beating) Tony and Woo. Spencer realizes his time is probably up after losing to "a brain-dead weasel" but plans to fight. He pulls Tony aside and uses his superfan skills to put his Brains to work: it's a final two.  His pitch is to get rid of Woo, as Woo and Kass would take each other as their final two.  Poor Woo is confused by the prospect of a tie-breaker in final four, with him and Spencer battling. It's a struggle to see him think so hard.  Bless his double-bunned little head.

Tribal Council #1 of the night!  The jury could give two shits that Kass won immunity, though they look irritated to know the final four got to see loved ones and not them.  Tony thinks the family visit was bittersweet, while Spencer says it made him soft and more neurotic.  Then Spencer puts it alllll on the table to try to sway Tony, claiming he'd take Tony to the end and feels Tony would win.  Woo says he has played, but more "inconspicuous."  Kass says if it's a bitter jury, Woo wins.  If they're not, Kass or Tony could win.  Kass admits openly that she could beat Woo, not Tony.  You can see the paranoid thoughts running through Tony's head right now.  Once the votes are cast, Tony asks Jeff to explain his idol and tells the whole schpiel about it and that it doesn't matter anymore.  In a 3-1 vote though, Spencer is eliminated.  The fans are probably weeping but it's a wise move: Spencer would be unbeatable in final two.

The trio celebrate finally getting Spencer out, but isn't as celebratory as past seasons since one more elimination will happen.  I am thrilled to have final two back as it makes the game more exciting and a person has the chance to choose their destiny.  Kass reminds Woo he needs to keep his shizz together and not take Tony to the end.  Even he's smart enough to figure out taking Tony to the end is the dumbest.  And in the final Immunity Challenge, it's an breathtakingly awesome maze consistenting of turnstiles.  It's like the amusement park queue of doom.  But god forbid they consider the maze a puzzle, so they added in a second puzzle of cogs.  The maze is so cool while running through it, but it's beyond spectacular when shown from overhead.  Woo narrowly defeats Kass, like by half a second, and he gets a guaranteed spot in the final two!

Tony and Kass both try to plead their case to Woo about why they should go to the end.  Tony tries to be subtle yet aggressive, saying there is reason to worry about Kass.  Plus he believes in loyalty and if Woo dumps him, he's violating the tae kwon do rules of loyalty.  And Kass made moves, which Woo didn't. Except Tony made mega moves.  Kass asks why Tony would say Kass could win when he's insisted anyone could beat Kass for weeks.  She points out that Woo is like Fabio and Tony played a game that's undeniable.  Woo's brain clearly hurts.  He'd love to sit next to his bro Tony, but Woo would lose.  Taking Kass means contradicting his whole gameplay of loyalty.  Loosen the double buns, my friend.

Tribal council #2 of the night!  Woo says it feels amazing to guarantee a spot in the end, but nervous.  When asked about Tony's last vote to take out Spencer, Woo believes it was strategy and loyalty.  Tony leaves it up to Woo to step up and hold up his end of the bargain about his game of loyalty.  Kass is bummed the fate of her game was less than a second away from making the final tribal.  Probst asks what the final pitches were, but Woo asks to change the subject: he doesn't want to hear it, he just wants to vote. Take control, Double Buns!  "I'll go get the vote!" Probst says and quickly pops offscreen.  Out comes the urn and Woo eliminates... KASS. Whoa.  I'm speechless. Snarkless! The easy win is now on the jury and the world is shaking their heads wondering if Woo just pulled a Colby 2.0.

Woo and Tony hug it out on the beach, and Tony is so appreciative. Because he's going to win a million bucks, that's why.  Woo thinks this is his power move, something the jury will respect instead of taking the easy way.  He wants to go against someone strong and win with honor, not with everyone slagging off Kass for hours.  In the morning, tree mail brings their delicious last meal fixins for a breakfast that neither know how to cook.  Always gaming, Tony finds a clue which ends up being a note for an extra surprise in the woods: a scale and mirror so they can see what emaciated skeletons they've become.  "I look good!" Woo shouts.  No one is disagreeing. But you aren't looking a million dollars richer, bro.

Tribal council #3 of the night - the one that matters! Tony's opening statement is that he's ready to answer truthfully because he played all on strategy, nothing personal.  Woo explains the five codes of conduct of tae kwon do, and he played living to the values he lives by and he's playing for his mom who survived a heart attack and transplant.  Sarah is the first juror who doesn't appreciate Tony breaking his promise, swearing on his badge.  Jefra says she's not bitter, but wants Tony to own it without BS'ing her.  Tony won't fully admit he's a villain because he believes he was being a good player.  Morgan does some dumb speech about being attractive and holding men in her back pocket, asking Tony how he did it without breasts.  Morgan respects Woo taking an actual competitor to the end and not the goat.  Jeremiah hates that Tony swore on his wife and kid, but says if it's fake kudos; but since he does have on and broke it, Jeremiah's not happy.  Tony isn't allowed to defend himself.  Tasha asks Tony to articulate how he kept everyone loyal to him despite backstabbing them constantly.  Tony can back it up easily since he always told his alliance what he was doing, but regrets what he did to Trish. 

Woo is asked why he aligned closely with Tony and he reminds us how he was totally on the outs until the tribe shuffle and showed his value.  LJ wants to know who Tony is and I guess if this is really him? It's not articulated well. Tony tells LJ that he found a way to make it seem like LJ would break a promise so he could take out a main threat.  Kass wonders why, when given power, wouldn't take out the biggest threat and guarantee himself a win.  Woo wants the million dollars but also thinks Tony deserved to sit in the end next to him, not her.  Woo admits to Trish it was his idea to blindside her because she was a bigger threat. Trish gets emotional about her bond with Tony, the only person who trusted him, and he voted her off.  Trish wants to know if it was worth sacrificing his father's memory for the million dollars. He says yes.  Spencer compares Woo's game to a dog, following Tony and obeying every order.  Woo wanted to take someone who deserved to go, because he didn't want to take the standard path of taking the goat.  Wrapping it up is Spencer making a passionate plea to show Tony's amazing game and to vote for a person who truly played the game.

The jury has a lot to take in as they vote: Spencer's urge for them to vote based on game, the bitterness of being burned by Tony, the idea that they're OK with giving Woo a million dollars.  It's a tough decision for many, except Spencer obvs.  Jeff grabs the urn and then walks 10,000 miles to Los Angeles where he'll arrive just in time to read the winner.  Before he reads the votes, Jeff gives kudos to the players this season for coming to play, coming to win.  It's thanks to this season that we'll see newbies play again and not yet returnees coming back for the fourth time.  And the votes are read.  The winner of Survivor: Cagayan is... TONY!

A well-deserved win by an outstanding player (though I was reeeeeally hoping to finally get a Survivor pre-show winner prediction right - so close!). Apparently while playing, Tony was a ball of neuroses never sleeping, constantly thinking or feeling guilty.  Trish and Tony are OK now despite her emotional breakdown at the final tribal.  It's good that Tony won since this reunion would've been the Tony hour regardless.  Bitter cop talk, etc.  And Tyler Perry is there because he's the dumb idiot who thought the secret idol was a good idea.  The most obvious answer is given: Woo would've hands down beat Trish in the end.  Woo maintains he took Tony to the end to challenge himself and if he lost, he lost to the best.  Tasha says if she got a second-chance, she'd play like she'd never play again and go all out.  Spencer appreciates all the love and realizes how he should've, and could've played better.  Jeff Probst apologizes to Spencer for saying he had 0% chance of winning before the game began.  Tyler Perry acknowledges his idol was a garbage idea and the world admits if Spencer found it, not Tony, then everyone would've loved it. There's quick one-offs to a bunch of people and it's not interesting.  Survivor 29 heads to Nicaragua and it's Blood vs. Water again, but this season with newbies.

Now for the part you've all been waiting for: the Mel Got Served Survivor Pre-Show Winner Prediction Champion! Well folks, this season there is no winner. You heard right. No one picked Tony - it's like a roulette wheel and we hit 00. BUST!  As a note, I was soclose again with my pick to win Woo coming in second and while I wanted the best player to win, selfishly I wish Woo picked the goat.  Well, there's more winner predictions for me to fail at coming soon!

May 19, 2014

The Bachelorette: Andi's Lookin' for Love, Y'all!

The Bachelorette - Andi
Week 1

Remember sassy Andi from last season?  She's the 27 year old lawyer from Georgia who had the common sense to realize Juan Pablo sucked.  She's our new Bachelorette and looking for love.  But she's putting the law on hold for a huge salary and the chance to makeout with a bunch of hot dudes on television.  With a quick goodbye to her family, Andi heads to LA to try on funny hats and outfits, drive up the coast in a rental car, take publicity shots, and kick water on the beach.  All in the name of love, guyz!

Chris Harrison helps Andi check-in to her house because the show decided to earn his paycheck he'll be the bellboy this season as well.  Andi's sister comes to help her get ready for the big night and giggle over the idea of Andi kisses loads of guys on TV.  After trying on the cheapest looking gold dress, Andi thankfully puts on a form-fitting nude gown with lots of crystals and beads.  But like tastefully and not Big Fat Gypsy Wedding Style, but now that I think of it, that'd be much more interesting.

Andi takes her spot on the slicked-down driveway and the first limo pulls up. Time to meet the fellas!  Marcus is the very first guy who "Has a lot to give an offer" and I'm hoping there's better lines to come.  Now obviously I can't recap them all because there's a bunch of snoozers, so here's the more interesting entrances. Cody the personal trainer pushes the allegedly broken down window but more idiotically wears a white V-beck with his blazer.  Creepy doctor Jason tells Andi she must have a fever because she's so hot (PUKE).  Patrick busts out a soccer ball, but assures her he's not a horrible, deadbeat loser soccer player like someone else. There's Emil whose name pronounciatino cues the porn music cause, anal.Brett goes full on Mary Poppins, slowly dragging a hotel lamp out from the limo.  Craig busts out a champagne shower, thankfully away from the gown. Nick S. makes his entrance on a golf cart because he's a pro golfer (not a golf cart salesman as he thinks we'll assume because OF COURSE).  Eric, who this season is dedicated to due to his recent passing, gives her dolls from Peru.  So nothing to awesome or too cringey. Andi the hugger actually makes all her guys slightly more interesting by trying to chat them out of their awkwardness. She's going to be a good lead.

With all 25 guys in the house, Andi is free to roam around the cabin and get to know her suitors.  A group cheers together before it's a brawl for time alone with Andi.  Josh M. gets Andi alone first and he has a southern accent, tan, big smile, and giant teeth; he is apparently Andi's type thru-and-thru.  Marquel steals every woman's heart and bring cookies for Andi to try, but then keeps reminding her to remember the black and white cookie (AKA don't forget I'm the adorable black guy who brought you treats).  Chris Harrison ominously leaves the first impression rose in the room for everyone to stare and pretend they're too cool for it.  Listen, they're too busy bro'in out over a bond of driving racecars.

But there's a weird rush outside as security runs down.  You might remember smarmy, skeeze Chris Bukowski from Emily's season of The Bachelorette or from being a scumbag on Bachelor Pad.  He's down at the end of the lubed-up driveway with roses and wants to talk to Andi.  So Chris Harrison brings this news to Andi that Chris B. was so taken with her from appearing on TV that he wants to join.  Andi doesn't want to upset the 25 guys inside with some shenanigans like this and declines the offer. We breathe a collective sigh of relief.  Chris B. isn't taking no because he's been around for seven days waiting (because we have to pretend like we don't know production tipped him off).  What I'd like to think is Chris B. literally has been sleeping outside the mansion in a sleeping bag with a handmade glitter sign like he was waiting for a midnight screening of Twilight.

The show goes on and Andi keeps getting to know the guys who haven't already hooked up on TV yet (wait, were any of these guys on Baggage? Elimidate? Next?)  After some great conversations and opening her eyes to guys besides her type, Andi gives the first impression rose to Nick V., who I didn't pay attention to at all in his solo conversation.  I asked others if I missed something and even they couldn't recall Nick V. so it only makes his "lasting impression" more humorous.  With one rose in hand, it's time for the full Rose Ceremony in the living room/parlour/date card receival room for the first rose ceremony.  Andi drops a bunch of "y'alls" to explain her gratitude for everyone wanting to battle 24 other guys to kiss her.  Then she dumps a bunch of those guys including the guy with hair that looks like Thor's wig, Rudie the wide-eyed attorney (seriously, those are some crazy eyes), the creepin' doctor, a very bitter telemarketer, and the guy whose name sounds like Anal.  The jokes are over fast!

Survivor Cagayan: One Big Disgruntled Solarrion Family

5/19/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Survivor: Cagayan
Week 12
Back at camp, Spencer is confused why everyone kept up the flipping-on-Tony-charade.  Everyone just wants to have a little fun.  Woo explains that he's final three with Tony, hoping to get to the end with his bud.  To show his trust, Woo spills the beans about the reward challenge and Kass plotting the revolt.  Tony's grateful but also ready to stab our beloved Double Buns in the back because people would vote for Woo in the end.

This week's reward challenge is to dive like pigs into mud and wipe it off into a bucket. Filthiest pig with the heaviest bucket wins.  The winner gets pizza delivered to them at camp because Domino's delivers worldwide.  The mud is a beautiful shade of clay brown AKA post-greasy pizza woods poop.  They don't even have to weigh the buckets because Tony's is stacked so high.  Eating pizza alone is sad so Tony chooses Trish to share with him.  Plus I'm pretty sure we can see all the bones in her malnourished body so lady needs a breadstick or twelve.

The pizza is delivered via helicopter and I suddenly know what I'd want me Bachelor one-one-one date to be.  Spencer waxes philosophically about the pizza being a metaphor for the game, where everyone is handing him the game.  Kid's deep.  Everyone knows that based on this pizza pick, Trish is Tony's official to-the-end partner.  He even tells Trish he has the super idol, but is lying more to pretend it lasts until four.  Tony tells Trish he wants to go to the end with her and Kass, so he needs to make a solid deal with Kass (throwing Woo under the bus in the process).  Right away, Kass puts her on "chaos" persona to stir the pot with Woo and Tony.  Tony doesn't understand why she went and blabbed, ruining a good thing.  Every single person left could beat Kass in the end, but sometimes you just have to dump the wild card.  Or chaos card.

Kass isn't done though and wants Woo to see through Tony's BS, with her idea of going to the end with Woo and Spencer.  The salt in Woo's beautifully coiffed wound is hearing that Tony swore on his wife and baby that he was bringing Kass to the end.  Kass suggests taking out Tony's "goat" and Trish overhears this and is not pleased.  Shit is falling apart and Spencer is hoping he can slide by.

Immunity is up for grabs again, where the survivors unbraided a rope to retrieve a key, piece together a wooden ladder, then a staircase, and solve a slide puzzle. It's like an immunity challenge "best of."  This challenge is long. The drinking game rules for this challenge would be a drink every time Probst says "piece" and you'd be sloppy.  Tony leads for a long time, but sucks at the slide puzzle (I understand old chap. I hate slide puzzles).  Spencer has a major comeback and kills it on the puzzle. Time for the alliance to officially turn on each other.

As soon as the tribe returns to camp, Trish confronts Kass over what she heard earlier.  Trish explains that Kass plays both sides, then the victim which proves that Trish can read people because god it's so true.  This altercation splits the tribe in half with Woo as the swing vote.  Tony starts his campaigning to Woo, who realizes Woo has lost trust in him due to the family-swear.  Tony makes another swear on some living and dead family to solidify a final three with Woo and Trish, but Woo is still weary that Tony will pick Trish over him.  "I want to get rid of Trish," Woo tells Kass, who is then worried that you can't trust Woo who has changed his mind some more.  BUT, Tony spies all of this from a distance and confronts him again, pleading to stick together.

Tribal Council time! When asked about the vibe after tribal, Kass calls Trish a skeleton blue-eyed banshee.  Trish says if Kass wants to be an agitator she can't play the victim.  Spencer is glad he's safe and knows his immunity brings destruction a smidge earlier.  Woo points out it's now three brawn vs. two brain.  The jury clearly hates Kass, which is hilarious to watch.  Kass says everything is going to HER plan, which sends Tony into a crazy rant about Kass sealing her own fate, her shit-eating grin, etc.  Woo gets my LOL of the night as he compares himself as being the foreign exchange student living with a very troubled, chaotic family.  To prove he's going nowhere, Tony busts out BOTH of his idols.  The votes are cast, Jeff tallies them, and Tony plays his regular hidden immunity idol. Trish is voted out of the game and Tony loses his closest ally (however, Tony DID vote her out - hmm).  "Good luck," Trish says while her torch is snuffed.  Kass flips her the bird.  OH WHAT A WEEK!

May 12, 2014

Survivor Cagayan: The Confusing World of Chaos Kass

5/12/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Survivor: Cagayan
Week 11

Kass is pissed because she was left out of Tony and Woo flipping (Trish understands). We all know Kass turns to Chaos Kass when she feels bitter so beware.  The next morning, Kass kinda overhears Tony mentioning her (he mentioned Kass is sleeping later than usual) and blows it out of proportion.  Tony insists he didn't say anything but Kass ain't buying it, continuing in a bickerfest between the two.  "Make sure you play your idol," Kass says and Tony drops the bomb: "I have a special idol."  Given Tony's island reputation as the boy who cried idol, no one is fully buying it but we know. We know.

The survivors are split into two teams of three to knock down a wall with sandbags, then build it back up.  The reward is emotional fulfillment by being Survivor ambassadors and bringing goods to a local school. But since kindness isn't enough motivation, the children will also get a bellyful of hamburgers and hot dogs.  Who can resist some Grade A American meat?  Spencer, Kass, and Woo win reward which means the children will get to experience the Double Bun magic.  But if Woo doesn't put his hair up it'll be strictly hamburger and hot dog buns.

With his hair in his signature style, Woo, Spencer, and Kass arrive at the village to bring backpacks, basketballs, globes, and lots of goodies.  Spencer calls the kids little monsters, while Woo continues to dominate as most adorable by doing a martial arts demonstration.  Kass is charmed by Woo (as we all are) and decides to make a move.  Kass suggests they team up to take out Tony, perhaps even to the point of making a final three deal.  Woo is a little hesitant and pretty quiet cause Tony's his island bestie, but in order to win you need to make a move.  "I'm in," Woo says as they arrive back at their beach.  Now back at camp and ready to play, Spencer tells Tasha about everything that went down.  Trish and Tony wonder if the others got to Woo, and Woo poorly lies saying Spencer/Kass want to take out Tasha.  Tony knows it makes no sense for Spencer to want to lose any of his numbers, so it crosses his mind that his loyal Woo might be turning.

The gang meets up with Probst again for this week's Immunity Challenge.  There are six different stations with items to count, which are the numbers to complete a combination lock.  A little twist on the typical combination challenges, so this is fun.  And it reminds me of the Big Brother nonsense ones where you guess like how many plastic spiders are in a kiddie pool.  Instead it's a reasonable number of crabs, buoys, bamboo, etc.  You'd think this would be a quick challenge, but it's not at all. In the slightest. People won balancing challenges in less time than counting for combinations.  After 25 minutes, Spencer wins immunity - killing Tasha's potential tying record.

Spencer, Tasha, and Trish talk in the woods and the plan is the guys vote Tony, the girls for Trish (that way they're covered when an idol is played).  Woo is still really worried about the betrayal, very quiet about everything.  Tasha keeps up appearances, pretending to be sad she's going, but Tony doesn't buy her complacency.  Tony tells this to the others and  hints that he'll play an idol to stay, though he won't confirm if he really has a special idol. Kass thinks Tony is the new Russell Hantz where he makes it to the end and everyone hates him, spurning him the votes.  Suddenly Kass is asking Woo if they should take out Tasha.  It's less Chao Kass and more Confusion Kass.

Tribal Council time! Tasha challenges the others to step up and notice Tony's threat status and try to take him out.  Tasha tries to downplay her challenge dominance and deflect to Tony being a strategic force that no one can take out.  Tony is relying on the loyalty and trust of his alliance to keep them strong.  Tony's reminds them if the idol is flushed it might return and end up in the enemy's hand.  Trish comes to Tony's defense and mentions how Tony offered to use the idol on his alliance if need be.  Woo says something about sticking to the plan.  Kass thinks tonight could be a blindside and that's awfully telling.  The votes are cast. Tony doesn't play his regular idol and everyone smirks like "We got him good!" But it's Tasha who got-got when Kass and Woo stick with their original alliance.  I like Tasha but I don't disapprove of this move. Spencer and Tasha are the clear favorites with the jury and bringing one of them to the end is handing them a million dollars. Underdog story + good at challenges + all your former tribemates on the jury? No brainer.

May 5, 2014

Survivor Cagayan: Survivor Auction Time You Cheapo Deepos

5/05/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Survivor: Cagayan
Week 10
Spencer tells everyone how he found the idol the day Woo stole the clue.  Kass is like whatever, dude I know you had it because you've been nice and usually you're a turd.

Everyone gets wallets of straight caaaaaash mayn, because it's my favorite time of the season: SURVIVOR AUCTION!  While many dream of hamburgers and treats, Tony knows an advantage is there to be bought and the enemy (Spencer, Tasha) can't have it.  All survivors start rollin' with $500 (five hundy) and can't share.  Trish is so excited to bid and gets herself popcorn, candy, and a soft drink - and a mystery reveal of rice and water.  She can't fathom why Tony and Woo aren't betting, because she clearly doesn't understand that the game is better than delicious food (unless Golden Oreos are on the line). "YA CHEAPO DEEPOS!"  Jefra gets quesadillas and guac, Kass a steak sandwich with iced tea, and Woo gets to indulge in delicious ribs while porn music plays.  The whole auction is made worth it by Woo's surprise auction victory face.  Trish doesn't understand why Tony and Woo aren't betting because she's dumb and thinking about food.  Tasha is dumb and saves her money for an advantage, but doesn't bid when her time comes, hoping another will come afterwards.  Spencer and Tony both ante their full five hundy to draw rocks to win that clue, and Tony wins.  The auction immediately ends and Tasha's have a "sheeeeeeeeeit" moment of regret.  I'm just bummed that the auction is too obvious and therefore not fun to see people lose their minds over food.

Spencer thinks he's the worst auction person in history but I give him credit for trying, even if he is a loser.  Tony's alliance is so grateful he sacrificed his hunger for the team, but he's pretty bitter they are all lazy eaters who don't help at camp.  Since everyone is lying around recapping their snacks, Tony heads into the woods to read his advantage.  Unlike past auctions, this clue isn't for the challenge: it's for another immunity idol.  Tony comes back and notices that Tasha has been in the water with the women for awhile.  Tony's worried there's a women's alliance forming, and Spencer fuels the fire by mentioning Jefra wanted to vote him out before.  The continued laziness of the ladies only motivates Tony to continue his idol hunt and ta-da: another damn idol.  He shows his alliance the idol to show they can be trusted and protected.  I can't help but slow clap Tony, even when he annoys me, for ALWAYS playing the game.

This week's Immunity Challenge is to dig up bags from the sand, then use the balls in the bags to complete a table maze.  If you played a drinking game every week when the word "balls" in said on Survivor, I'd pray for your liver.  Tasha takes the early lead on the table maze, while Woo begins to catch up to her.  It's oh so close, but Tasha wins immunity yet again.  Bye bye Spencer?

Now that she's safe, Tasha wants to play up her faux-alliance to make Tony paranoid that the women are bonding.  The plan is to vote off Spencer, but fearing a foursome of women, Tony wants to vote out Jefra to keep the numbers on his side.  Paranoia is Tony's downfall, but Spencer and Tasha are the benefactors.  You can never trust Tony though, so Spencer decides to try and hunt for the special idol to cover himself.  Tony gets paranoid again because maybe Spencer should go because he's actually playing the game.  Tony needed to spend his $500 on a Xanax at the auction.

Tribal Council time! Spencer admits he's definitely in trouble tonight, given that he played his idol last night.  Tony right away brings up that Spencer told him the others wanted to blindside him, specifically Jefra.  Tony throws on his latest immunity idol to show his dominance and try to make his alliance bow down to him.  Jefra, who does nothing most of the time, thinks it's just the bottom feeders making a last ditch effort to stick around. Spencer makes his plea that the others could make a move to advance them further in the game, as opposed to fourth or fifth place.  The votes are cast and it's Jefra, not the obvious choice of Spencer, that goes home.  The internet cheers because they're all obsessed with Spencer, but it's dumb: the dude is great at challenges and has most of the jury on his side.  But hey, that's the fun of Survivor I guess.