June 30, 2014

The Bachelorette: Love Sprouts in Brussels

The Bachelorette - Andi
Week 6

It's off to Brussels, Belgium this week and the show gets to recycle it's soundtrack from Marseilles. Chris Harrison greets the guys with a "Sup Boys?" in a high V-neck and blazer, probably to memorialize Cody. Chris comes with ominous news that the only date rose is on the group date and one-on-ones do not have roses. The first date card is left and Chris Harrison heads off for like a double decker bus tour or something.

Marcus gets to "have a taste of Brussels" on the first one-on-one date, where surely he'll declare his love for Andi at least four times. The pair tour the town taking selfies and eating chocolate so it's like my life but international. Over a snack of mussels (mussels in Brussels - GET IT?), Andi brings up how Marcus wanted to leave at one point - something that's giving her hesitation to open up. Marcus wanted to leave because he feels so much so fast and proclaims his love again. More food (and wine) is consumed over a romantic dinner at the Academy Palace, where Andi prods to learn about what a hometown date would be like with Marcus. The answer is dad-free, and a mom who will admit "she did the best she could." So yes, dinner is awkward for viewers. There's no rose on this date, but Andi leaves knowing she'd like to meet Marcus's family and also what it's like to makeout outside a palace.

Marcus returns from his date and surprise, Nick is pissy about it! He decides to make a move on his own by leaving the hotel and sneaking to Andi's. He lies at the front desk that he's Andi's husband and gets a room key to get in, and by the way I am pretty sure this is a ridiculous violation of hotel protocol. This alone is proof that it's all staged. Andi is totally shocked by her surprise guest, who takes her on a stroll around Brussels where they talk, kiss at a cafe, and then really go to town making out on a skinny tree. Andi is digging it. A LOT.

The next date is another one-on-one with Josh, which surprises the guys since Josh got a solo date more recently than others. Andi's hope for the date is that Josh will open up to her about his feelings more like the other guys have been. Hand-in-hand they walk around Ghent, eating a bunch of chocolate and stuff while doing tourist things like every other damn date this season. However no other date had a goose parade accompanied by a band, so that's something new. Dinner is casual dining inside a castle which could also double as a holding room at Medieval Times. Josh moans about how much he hates group dates and seeing Andi talk to other guys. Josh thinks their whole relationship is too good to be true given there's a vibe, they both live in Atlanta. Josh expects his hometown will be filled with lots of questions and says he is falling in love with Andi, which puts a big grin on her face. A haunting violin plays while they makeout against the shadowy castle wall, which turns into a private street concert by some random band while a bunch of Belgian people gawk at them.

The group date guys meeting Andi at Les Ruines de Montaigle, and Nick is so relieved for the last possible group date of his life. Nick better be in high spirits because there's a rose at the end of the date and he's gotta beat Dylan Downer, secret admirer Chris, and Coach Brian. The group explore the ruins that remain of this castle, which is a great metaphor for a relation standing the test of time. Andi gets lazy and the guys have to pedal her on a bike attached to a train track. I'm having Fried Green Tomatoes flashbacks, guys. Then everyone has to put on their best behavior when they visit a monastery and that means no kissing Andi - she's free! During their alone time, Chris sneaks in a kiss while re-enacting the movie Ghost on a pottery wheel. Brian puts it all on the line and tells Andi he's falling in love with her. The guys are largely seething in their hatred for Nick and his overconfidence, hoping he's not the date rose recipient. But Andi is so DTF for Nick gives him the date rose, and now he's on the top of the world. The other three get sent back to the hotel while Andi and Nick continue to the night portion of the date. And the guys are piiiiiissed.

Andi and Nick ditch the monastery and begin dinner with an exchange of spit, given they were denied the chance earlier. While he's had the first impression rose and this hometown rose, his favorite part of it all is falling in love with Andi. Andi swoons. Then they play a game of "This or That" to get to know each other and it's pretty cute and normal. I know Nick is a selfish child, but he seems genuine at times. The fireworks soar for the couple and then they makeout a bunch more. Andi's even picturing Nick as the guy for her at the end.

The guys are back at the hotel ripping into Nick - saying he's watched all the episodes and knows what to do, say, etc. They are even worried he'll stick around only to walk away and crush Andi. Everyone firmly believes Nick is playing games to make it to the end. Nick returns from his date to an uneasy silence in the room, maybe because dude's wearing a lady's scarf. Brian breaks the silence to call out Nick for the mind games he plays, and soon the other guys jump in. Nick's like "Yeah, I did watch every episode of Desiree's season" but he's in it for the girl. The guys don't know how Andi doesn't see it, but to them he's all about strategy. Nick assures them he's always thinking about his relationship with Andi.

Everyone is nervous about the cocktail party and impending rose ceremony because this determines hometown dates. Andi's dress has so many oversized crystals on it, I'd assume it's from the Chico's Evening Wear line. The guys use their one-on-one time to be mushy, though the bottom guys wonder if they really could sway her opinion at this point. It's also valuable time to hype their boring hometowns. But eventhough he's safe, Nick HAS to interrupt to get Andi time. He wants to come clean about the guys hating him but he's truly excited to introduce her to his family. Chris had his alone time, but takes Andi aside one last time to give her a kiss before the rose ceremony since he failed to do so before. But Chris Harrison clinks the glass to begin the rose ceremony. Andi cuts Brian and Dylan as she wants to meet the families of a guy she can honestly see herself with. In good news, Dylan leaves with Andi not knowing he didn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. And Brian still has those coaching metaphors and a fear of pickles.

Next week: hometown dates!

June 23, 2014

The Bachelorette: All's Fair in Love and Lie Detector Tests

The Bachelorette - Andi
Week 5

The guys arrive in Venice via boat, which is the douchiest boat of all time and in no way as dreamy as White Squall. But there's no time for fun, because Andi greets the guys and quickly whisks Nick off for a 1-on-1 date.  Andi and Nick multiple gondola rides, tour the city hand-in-hand, feed pigeons (GROSS), try on masks, and best of all... eat pizza and gelato.  It's all about the snacks, people. Yet another gondola brings the duo to their night date, and it's at a breathtaking masquerade hall with baroque fixtures, painted ceilings - it's beautiful.  While Nick addressed his pissy attitude a little earlier, Andi brings up the group date last week and worries that all the guys hate him since that's a bad sign. Nick doesn't like the guys calling him the frontrunner, but he doesn't want to openly say, "Yeah duh, I'm the best." This process is weird for Nick (as it is for everyone, but whatever), but is glad he and Andi can have real conversations.  "I'm definitely falling in love," Nick says.  The date reaffirms Andi's feelings for Nick, and vice versa, so she gives him the date rose.  Some accordion music eerily begins to play, but it's sadly NOT ghosts ala The Haunted Mansion.  Instead masquerade masks are conveniently placed under the table for them to wear while dancing to a three piece band.

Six guys join Andi for a group date where they go around Venice taking in tourist stuff again.  Cheese, marionettes - laughs all around!  That is until they enter a dark castle full of armor and torture gear.  Andi is all about honesty and knows how to plan a great date, so this week the guys undergo lie detector tests! SEXY, AMIRITE??  But Andi's a good sport and takes the lie detector first to show she's a trustworthy gal.  It's a breeze for her - yes she's falling in love and thinks her husband is in the mix.  Josh is reeeeal hesitant about the lie detector and not being able to explain himself.  The guys all get asked if they're there for the right reasons, but we're most shocked to learn Dylan doesn't wash his hands after going to the bathroom. Instant dealbreaker.  Then Dylan says he's sick and has to go back to the hotel.  Second biggest revelation besides ol' pee hands, is that Chris is the infamous secret admirer who has sent Andi three love notes.  The results are handed out and it turns out Andi told two lies: Italy isn't her favorite country and she doesn't believe all the guys are here for the right reasons.  Andi really wants to know the results but also wants them to trust her, so she rips up all the results. So basically, a complete boring waste for us viewers.  We've learned nothing. Someone lied three times! C'MON!

The night date allows the guys more time to get to know Andi while sipping cocktails in a castle.  Yet we still know nothing about the lie detector tests, which will forever irk me.  Brian sets up a "manual" lie detector by putting Andi's hand to his heart and he turns beat red really quirk. He tests her and asks if she wants to makeout. "No!" "You're lying!" Smooth, creepy move Brian.  Marcus continues to be the most boring man on earth, admitting he almost quit once and he's in love with her.  They makeout.  Josh is salty about the lie detector test because he feels a lie detector test is the opposite of trust.  She didn't look at the results, tool.  He's probably the one who lied three times as he keeps getting defensive.  Andi is now questioning the guys and realizes she was a dumbass to rip up the results, especially after two random Italian guys had to work for a couple hours to create said lie detector results.  Faith in love is restored when Chris admits to Andi he is her secret admirer, and he's glad he could tell her face-to-face; they kiss.  Chris gets the group date rose, then JJ gets pissy about guys being happy that competitors are getting roses.  Someone's wine must've turned, cause them is some sour grapes!

Big, beefy Cody finally gets his 1-on-1 date in Verona and I'm already dreading the inevitable Romeo and Juliet re-enactment.  Thankfully it's quick before they respond to letters that people wrote to Juliet.  Or like ask for advice?  This is a thing?  Like Juliet is Dear Abby? I've never been more confused.  Cody coincidentally finds a person's love note that completely mirrors his entire storyline of the show about not being noticed and being tongue-tied.  Cody just spills his feels to Andi so she understands him but c'mon, she's not feeling him romantically and we all know it.  Cody gets all gussied up for dinner in a striped blazer and one hell of a deep V.  As we all dream our man would wear to a romantic dinner.  Cody writes his own "Dear Juliet" letter to express his feelings for Andi.  It's a lot of "Awwwws" from Andi, but she's got a look of dread plastered on her face the whole time.  I can't tell if he's pleading out of excitement or just can't read the signals, like Andi tearing up and putting her head on her hand.  Andi doesn't feel a romantic connection with Cody and starts crying as she lets him down and dumps him.

The guys are whisked in some ballin' old Bentleys to a mansion/vineyard in Verona for the evening's cocktail party rose ceremony.  Nick snags Andi immediately for alone time and of course is hated since he has a rose.  Nick and Andi start mackin' and she's turned on.  Dylan steals her away and I hope he's applied a little Purell before grabbing Andi's hand. As the other guys get their time, Josh gets more antsy because he has to keep reminding himself that he's all about Andi, all the time.  When he gets his time, Andi confronts him on why he was so bitchy about the last date. And he has no good reason because again, I bet he was the one who lied a lot.

Since Chris Harrison didn't get to hand out date cards, his paycheck collection of the week is to interview Andi.  She only had an OK week which is how I felt watching this episode.  Chris Harrison is glad Andi didn't read the results, but Andi is having a hard time with Josh being combative about the alleged lack of trust.  This week was such a bummer for Andi that it's even made her question what could happen at the end of this love voyage.  One guy is going home this week and the rose ceremony reveals we're losing JJ, the pantsapreneur.  With Marquel and JJ gone, all the fashion heavy-lifting will be left to Andi.

Next week: everyone hates Nick in Brussels

June 22, 2014

Big Brother 16 Pre-Show Winner Prediction

6/22/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , , No comments
Summer is here and not because June 21st has come and past - it's because Big Brother is back!  Six new players are heading into the infamous house for a season full of twists. Already we know that each week two people will be Head of Household, there are four nominees, a new competition called "Battle of the Block," and the HOH isn't safe.  So many new twists it'll make predicting winners even harder (and knowing my track record, it should be a real shitshow).  I've gone through all the bios on CBS.com and even suffered through Jeff Schroeder's awful interviews.  I'm going against my usual type and we're going to see what happens.

MELISSA PREDICTS...


Zach will win Big Brother 16

Surely you're all confused as Hayden is my typical pick and it was very hard to go against my typical pick.  But my typical pick: 1. always loses, 2. will typically go home week 3.  I've decided to pick a totally different Big Brother personality this season: the wannabe Dr. Will douche guy.  Zach is a self-proclaimed "con artist," but I have to admit he seems like he'll be an entertaining puppetmaster, should he succeed.  At the same time, people may see through Zach immediately and take him out (and if so, please do so week 3 and keep the curse alive).  I also fully expect a lot of skeletons to come out about Zach while he's in the house, so let's say in advance this is only based on CBS bio and nothing outside of that.  

I actually love Christine but the odds are against a female winning Big Brother, which hurts so much.  Plus she's a little quirky and married, so a showmance carrying her along is out.  Nicole was great in writing, but was so awkward talking to Big Jeff that I lost all hope.  And I really did want to pick Hayden because he's likable, has ballin' hair, drives a pedi-cab for a living, and is originally a local guy... but the quirky guy doesn't win.  So I'm taking a chance and hoping the more douchey guys (Caleb) go home before my pick to win, Zach.

Who do you think will win Big Brother 16? VOTE BELOW (or via this link)in my handy dandy voting sheet.  You could win [a picture of] a trophy!!!

June 16, 2014

The Bachelorette: But First, Let Me Mime a Selfie

The Bachelorette - Andi
Week 4 (because recap episodes don't count)

Goodbye USA and bonjour Marseille, France!  "It's the perfect place to fall in love," Andi says and will likely say about five more times when they change countries.  Before the week of dates begin, Chris Harrison meets Andi at a cafe rocking a sweet turtleneck to ask if she's falling in love. "STOOOOOP!" Andi says. Catchphrase alert!

Josh the baseball player who skeeves me out gets the first solo date of the week.  They grab some sandwiches to go before making out on a boat.  Despite not wanting to be pigeon-holed as an athlete, Josh talks about how we was a 2nd round draft but stopped because he wanted a family. Suuuuuure Josh.  The boat brings them to the Calanques, some really cool rocks, where they make awkward conversation as the wind blows.  Andi acknowledges their chemistry, but worries there's nothing else there because snoozeville.  Dinner is at Palais Longchamps, which is this baller castle with marble statues (which of course means it's classy). Andi expresses her hesitance to dating athletes given her poor track record.  Josh is so comfortable with Andi and wants her to not pigeon-hole him for being an "athlete" ages ago.  He wants to marry the next person he says "I love you" to and I'm assuming that excludes getting drunk with his boyz and making declarations.  Andi loves that Josh makes her lower her guard and gives him the date rose.  The night ends with a private concert by Ben Fields (don't worry, I don't know him either) and more of Andi's sweet dancing an subtitled whispers.


There's nothing more French than MIMES! The guys get a lesson in the art of being a mime, and they're all total creeps so it makes sense to add an even higher level of creepiness to them.  But a lesson isn't enough, so the guys slip on their horizontal stripes, berets and top hats, suspenders, and head onto the streets to freak out the French people.  The good news for the people of France is mime requires them to be silent as opposed to torturing the ears of Boyz II Men fans of California. Marquel is the best mime because he's fantastic.  Nick is pretty miserable because he's a sourpuss that hates group dates.  But no one is more miserable than the crowds that just wanted to walk to the store and not get mimed at by lame Americans.

A day of miming rewards the guys with nighttime cocktails in a bar/dungeon.  JJ grabs Andi for one-on-one time first and brings her onto a ferris wheel (it'd be a lot cooler if you climbed it like Divergent).  Andi is pressing Chris to speak up about "the bros," and he brings up Nick's shitty 'tude. The guys are trying to stay drama-free, but they can't. Cody is vocal about Nick's arrogance, as a lot of guys think he assumes he's the frontrunner and no one else matters.  Cody's upset that Nick mocked him being thankful, which is seriously the dumbest argument ever.  Plus he's tattling to Andi, which is so lame.  Nick tells Andi he loved the miming, but she points out he's salty on group dates and sadly that's how this show works so deal with it.  Despite their chemistry, Andi is taken aback that the nice guys in the house don't like Nick which is a red flag but a corny poem wins her back.  But that's not the only drama: Marquel is still reeling over hearing a rumor that Andrew called him "blackie" after the first rose ceremony.  Marquel is hurt, hating that the first thing that comes to people about him is his race (not me: it's his charm and smile - I love you Marquel).  Marquel confronts Andrew, who does a WHAAAAAT shocked chuckle and insists he didn't say it, saying he treats everyone with the respect they deserve and that this is a lie. Andrew tells Andi there's been issues with guys lying about him, but won't get into the details because who wants to tell Andi they've been accused of making a racist comment?  The date rose goes to JJ for making Andi feel special, even in a group setting.

The other one-on-one date goes to Brian, but there's no basketball court for him to use as a safety blanket this week.  Andi takes Brian to the tiniest cinema ever to see The Hundred Foot Journey, a wonderful jumping off point of product placement before the pair cook a meal together.  After shopping for ingredients, the pair head to Andi's apartment to cook. I get the idea of cooking something super French like frog legs, but like, leave it to the professionals before you get sick.  Or hire a tiny rat to puppet you to construct such a meal.  Andi is hoping Brian will get a little handsy with her in the kitchen, sneaking kisses and stuff, but no. The kitchen is no basketball court.  "There's no flavor," Andi remarks about their frog legs, a deeper metaphor for the failing relationship we're watching on our screens.  They ditch their poor cooking for fine restaurant cuisine.  Brian loves the date they had with the movies and market, strategically avoid being the least romantic cook ever because snazz it up for TV guy.  Andi wants him to loosen up and be more forthright, and despite the shaky start he gets the date rose. Then they make out in the empty kitchen of an operating restaurant. Shouldn't people be working? Did magical elves make the food? A RAT?!

Instead of a cocktail party, Andi and her Katniss-braid have a chat with Chris Harrison about the current state of her love quest.  Andi wants to go with her gut instinct because she already knows who she wants to bang and who she wants to leave in the friendzone.  Andi's so sure she's not going to cut the required one; she's cutting three. DUN DUN DUNNNN!  No cocktail party?! But how will people lube up with a couple of drinks to pretend take this seriously? Everyone is nervous, or really everyone who felt they needed more time to plead their case.  Leaving us this week are Andrew, his bro Patrick, and our smiling, lovable Marquel.

Next week: lie detector tests in Venice!

June 2, 2014

The Bachelorette: The Rosebuds, The Five Hearts, and The Poker Face

The Bachelorette - Andi
Week 3 - Part 2

The show heads off on the road for the first time and they head to beautiful New England for a kinda shitty fall weekend.  I can say that because I live there!  The guys are ballin' out in a suite at Mohegan Sun, and by ballin' I mean seeing how many guys they can stuff in a tub.

Dylan receives the first one-on-one date where they ride on the Essex Steam Train like it's the Polar Express without a terrifying CGI Tom Hanks.  They toot the horn before getting into a train car, take in the sights, and make awkward attempts to talk. Dylan clearly wants to open up to Andi, but he's hesitant and lends itself to a quiet train ride with abrupt sentences.  At night they eat dinner inside a non-moving train car.  Dylan is still tense, so Andi tries to get him to talk to her and get to know the guy.  Dylan opens up about his family and how his two siblings died from drugs (which we learned about on night one of this two night "spectacular").  It's a sad story and definitely not bringing any levity to the jovial idea of an old timey train date.  Dylan doesn't want her pity and asks Andi to not keep him around if she's not truly interested.  Andi then feels guilty about making him bring all this stuff up in his hometown. I mean, production picks the dates Andi.  Andi is moved by Dylan is gives him the date rose, assuring him it's not out of pity at all but because he was so open.  The night ends with one last train whistle toot and a collective sigh from viewers that the date is over.

"Who's got game?" asks the group date card, before whisking the guys off to play some hoops.  "New England is the birthplace of basketball," Andi tells us in this week's history lesson. The guys think they're totally hot in front of Andi, but they're about to get schooled by a bunch of WBNA ladies.  Bad news is it's not a shirts vs. skins battle where we get some shirtless dudes. The good news: the women crush the guys. Girl power!  Afterwards, the guys play a game where the winning team continues with the evening portion of the date; losers hit the fancy suite showers.  There's corny team names (Rosebuds vs. The Five Hearts), a lot of falling, and pep talks.  The Rosebuds kick major butt thanks to Brian's actual job of being a basketball coach.  They cheer like they just defeated the Monster Squad in Space Jam.  Like they're the damn Dream Team of '92.  The Five Hearts take their defeat into some locker room pouting.

The night portion of the date takes the Rosebuds (Coach Brian, Marquel, Eric, Cody, Andrew, and Nick) to the Vista Lounge for drinks and chatter. Andi talks to Eric alone first, worried that their relationship has stalled since their one-on-one date the first week.  He wishes everything was a little more casual, from the setting to the wardrobe, and the honest conversation about a lacking relationship makes it kick-off again.  Andi gets super turned on when Brian nails a half court shot, but his signal game sucks and miss the opportunity to mack.  Nick gets all up on it though, heading in for some smoochin' before talking.  Brian gets the date rose for his skills on and off the court, except for the key part of knowing when to go in for a solid TV makeout. Then he has no skills. "Getting this rose is better than winning the state championship," Brian says without realizing one day he'll regret saying something so stupid.

Andi's already totally smitten with Marcus so a one-on-one date with him makes her very giddy.  He gets the first extreme date of the season: rappelling down the side of the hotel.  Like any guest of the Mohegan Sun requests from the concierge.  Andi and Marcus are both afraid of heights so she feels this date is a great time to test their will. "Andi! Lean back hun!" Marcus says about 94 times, trying to get a hesistant Andi to start the descent.  Marcus succeeds and the pair scale down the building, making small talk about life to distract them before passing the guys suite as they bang on the windows.  Andi and Marcus bask in their triumph at the bottom with a kiss.  Later they have dinner at the oldest working inn and toast to trusting each other.  Andi is the first girl he feels comfortable opening up to after three years, given a crappy prior relationship.  Marcus gets the rose, obviously, and the date continues with the couple dancing and making out on an elevated platform above all these regular humans while some country singer performs. You are all extras in Andi and Marcus's world.  Marcus becomes the first person to get too into the process and says he's falling in love with Andi; it's been three weeks.

Andi's going into the cocktail party hoping to uncover the mystery of the day: who sent her a secret admirer love letter?  And who still writes using cursive.  In "WE GET IT BRIAN," he takes Andi to the basketball court AGAIN and this time goes for the kiss.  A maybe-buzzed Marquel teaches Andi self defense to avoid the creepy touches of too many suitors.  Eric calls Andi out on her claim he's not being open, saying it's her who's only sharing on a superficial high level, always rocking a poker face even when they can be open together alone. "I came on here to meet a person, not a TV actress," and Andi is like WHAAAAAAT.  Andi is offended by Eric's accusations and says he doesn't understand what this is like, having to give everyone attention and crush hearts.  Plus they're at a casino so isn't a poker face a good thing this week?  Anyways, Andi isn't having it, Eric apologizes, but it's too late. It's over and Eric gets a cab home.

Andi comes back and starts dropping "y'alls" nonstop in her emotional outpouring. She doesn't want any guys around that think she's acting or that this isn't all real.  Andi has no poker face, she's tired!!

The show doesn't end with a rose ceremony (but we learn Tasos went home as well), but a remembering of Eric who passed away after the filming of the show. No snark here - a sad loss and he was a great guy.

Next time: MIMES!!!!!

June 1, 2014

The Bachelorette: I'll Make Love to You and Destroy Your 90s R&B Jam

The Bachelorette - Andi
Week 3 - Part 1

The first date card brings Nick and Andi together to ride bikes around Santa Barbara.  It's a very normal date and the term "chill" is used a lot. But the date continues by hiking amongst some gorgeous rocks as the sun sets.  Nick is a bit skeptical of this whole process, but he admits he has a crush on Andi.  With their wine in hand, they keep scaling rocks and hug it out high above Los Angeles.  Dinner is a romantic dinner by the Santa Barbara courthouse because where else would a DA dine?  Andi wonders why Nick is the single guy in his group, which he cites to a long high school relationship and one rushed rebound.  This doesn't bug Andi who comes to appreciate his hesitance at love.  Nick's pretty realistic in knowing many people fall in love with the idea of it and this show's version of love, but it's not the same as real love in everyday life that isn't full of helicopters.  Andi gives Nick the date rose and the pair head up to the viewing tower for kissing with a view.

The group date guys get so pumped at the prospect of a karaoke date, especially the opera singer guy who thinks his skillz will earn him a rose. Inside the Music Academy of the West is the best surprise ever: Boyz II Men. Swoon alert! Boyz II Men sing "I'll Make Love to You" before the guys complete destroy the song with their "singing voices." As you'd expect, the guys are absolute garbage.  I dub Josh the absolute worst because based on the way he sang, I think he thinks he's super talented (like creepy Kasey who will guard and protect you're heart) and he's not good especially his attempts at runs.  Andi is tasked with the daunting task of singing "Yeeeeah" and she's also awful, cracking up at her terribleness.  An outdoor mall crowd gets the time of their life with the treat of a free Boyz II Men concert, but nothing comes without a price.  The crowds are then tortured by Andi's suitors performance, and if I was there I would throw any heavy object I could at the stage.  At least the guys embrace the performance side, especially Marquel, and how horrible they are.  Meanwhile, a R&B classic lays in wreckage.

After coming to grips with the devastation they unleashed upon a mall concert crowd, Andi and her guys head to late night poolside cocktail party at a hotel (again, no roofs).  Jersey Shore wannabe Cody gets alone time first because Andi has heard from the guys that he has a girlfriend.  He's so perplexed but turns out it's a joke because she's such a mischief maker.  Meanwhile I think he popped one of his enlarged veins.  Eric worries about his connection with Andi in a post-one-on-one date world.  Marcus is really into Andi and she likes him too, admitting she tries to catch his attention often; they share a kiss.  Josh says he forgot the song lyrics because he was so nervous around Andi and he just wants to see her all the time, every day. Guys, I think Josh is so skeevy but Andi is SO into him.  They makeout a bunch and I cringe, but I bet this guy is going to last for way too long since he gets the date rose.  The night wraps with Andi kicking off a group singalong to "I'll Make Love to You" one last time and somewhere the guys from Boyz II Men are weeping in a hot tub full of cash.

The last one-on-one date goes to JJ the pantsapreneur AKA best job title of this show ever. Sorry Kelly the dog lover).  Given this is JJ's first date, since he was declined such delights last week, Andi has something else in Santa Barbara planned (it's a Santa Barbara date trifecta!).  This very special date is to get a head-to-toe Mrs. Doubtfire makeover to become an adorable old couple. Wait, what if the elderly couple talking to Andi and Chris last week was actually Andi and JJ time-travelling???  Now decked out like an old happy couple, Andi and JJ walk around trying to fool regular people into thinking they're like kooky old people and has them says "It's out 50th anniversary" over and over.  Sometimes they're weak-walking, the next minute they're doing cartwheels to freak people out. But at least they get to roll deep on some Rascals.  JJ finds Andi attractive, but mainly her personality which explains why he's cool with kissing grandparent style.  I love JJ, he's my favorite, especially when he busts out Werther's.  Andi and JJ de-makeup and head to a romantic dinner to get to know each other outside of their costumes.  He fears he won't find a girl who accepts him and all his quirky, unique ways.  Andi likes him though and gives him the date rose.

Ron gets a phone call from home, packs his bags, and hugs it out with his bros as he is leaving the show due to a friend's passing.  Dylan wants Andi to know his story to really know him about his two siblings who died from drugs. He doesn't want to tell this in a 5-minute save yourself convo but on a private date.

Cocktail party! Eric grabs Andi for alone time, but it's interrupted by a flower delivery from Nick.  Andi loves this simple, sweet, normal gesture of romance. Marcus is basically pulling the love at first site card (and a little notecard) on Andi so he can score some more makeout time.  The guys want to call out Andrew, as they know he is not there for the right reasons, bragging about snagging the hostess' number at dinner last week. Not cool bro. Josh and JJ pull Andrew aside and he declines to discuss it and hides out in his room.  In becomes a bigger event when Andrew talks about it in front of all the guys in the living room, and he claims she gave the number in front of everyone (everyone insists they found out when he came into the van to brag about it).  It's all a mess but Andi is still unaware.

Andi's fuschia dress is everything this week, but I digress. At the rose ceremony, Andi sets two suitors free.  Andrew the douche gets a rose, turning the heads of every guy in the room who's like "Seriously, bro?"  That means Andi has decided to dump Brett the lamp guy and Brandon the boring opera singer.  I just have to share Brandon's corny departure speech, before the waterworks begin, which I'm going to recite on the reg about banal things: "I love to be loved. And I love to love." Talk about a bum note! OPERA JOKES!

Next time on The Bachelorette: an exotic weekend in Connecticut!!! And this show is real to Andi!