October 30, 2014

Survivor San Juan Del Sur: I'm a Meat Collector (But I'll Trade for Rice)

10/30/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 6

Jeff Probst arrives at Hunahpu camp, sack of rice in hand. Time for a deal with the devil instead of say, scavenging and fishing or, you know, surviving. Probst reminds the tribe they're terrible at rationing and he fully believes they're full bellies led to challenge wins. I'll disagree with that because they still beat Coyopa last week when Coyopya was well fed. Anyways, Probst offers the rice with a huge penalty: basically everything besides the machete, one pot, and one flint. The rest of the tribe is happy; Jeremy is not enjoying this in the slightest and Julie's not excited to lose the tarp and freeze in the rain. Hey guys, it's Survivor.

Over at Hero's Arena, the rules for Exile changes a bit since the tribes were shuffled. Each tribe picks one person to compete this week and the loser goes to Exile Island. This week's competition is Reed vs. Baylor, must navigate an obstacle course to retrieve puzzle pieces and then recreate the puzzle - all while blindfolded. Hunahpu wins reward of a Survivor barbeque grill and shish kebabs - which will go great with all that rice! You can feel Jeremy grimacing that they gave up all their comfort for a sack of rice, knowing fully well they'd probably get food in the future. Baylor is heading to Exile Island by default, and Natalie joins her - though originally Reed picked Julie. The twinnie nominated herself as a way to show Missy/Baylor she's with them come merge time. And that message is clear as Missy lets her tribe know Natalie is totally on her side come merge.

Hunahpu prepares their feast while Jeremy grimaces more. He thinks Josh/Reed feel like they're running this place, plus that the tribe was shortsighted in making the rice decision. Either way, everyone is happy to have a protein-filled meal (especially "I'm a meat collector" Alec). But the joy is short-lived as torrential rain pounds their camp. The tarp would've been real handy, especially in keeping away the tears of Julie who is miserable. Jeremy tries to pep her up because they're in this together. And because he doesn't want to get eliminated before Julie because who would?

This week's Immunity Challenge is to navigate obstacles to get puzzle pieces. Oh sorry, am I repeating myself? No the show is. I've been re-watching old seasons recently and it's been such a relief at the variety of challenges and not puzzles for everything. The twist for receiving puzzles is a literal twist, as the bags are on spirals. Coyopa kills it with an early lead, but faulters badly with the puzzle. Hunahpu sneaks right up and the brain power of Reed and Josh slaughter the puzzle.

Time for Coyopa to narrow down the tribe yet again. An obvious choice is Dale, since they ousted his daughter Kelley last week. He's alone, he's annoying... it's easy. But he shows Jon the fake Hidden Immunity Idol he's rocking and Jon can't decide if it's real or fake. Dale reeeeeally shoots for the fences and says that if they save him tonight, Dale will give Jon his idol. Keith is the one actually holding an idol and he'll play it to save himself, plus he's got Wes still in the game which is good for future alliances in merge time. Since there's idol playing possibilities, the tribe is going to split their votes between Dale and Keith so one of them goes. Jon says every move he makes is to ensure him and Jaclyn are the power couple come merge.

Tribal Council time! Dale explains that the mental side of the game is what is draining moreso than the physical stuff. Baylor and Missy get all mother/daughter crying about their bond and Baylor's sense of loss over on Exile. Probst reminds us for the millionth time that having loved ones around changes the game completely. Jon/Jaclyn makes some cryptic comments which make Missy nervous and Dale says he's stuck putting faith in the people who voted out his daughter. The votes are cast and not a single idol is played, real or fake. Missy gets 1 vote, Keith gets 2 votes, and Dale gets the rest. If only he played that fake Immunity Idol LOLZ.

October 23, 2014

Survivor San Juan Del Sur: Blood vs. Water vs. Rice Portions

10/23/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 5

There's a surprise ahead at Hero's Arena and I don't just mean the shock of Drew getting the boot. "DROP YOUR BUFFS," commands the almighty Probst. Everyone grabs new buffs from a bag and the tribes are shuffled in a big way. Coyopa is a real couples fest with Kelley/Dale, Missy/Baylor, Jon/Jaclyn, aaaaand all alone Keith. Hunahpu has only one pair of Josh/Reed and the rest of the tribe includes Alec, Julie, Jeremy, Wes, and Natalie. But hey, none of you have to go to Exile!

Josh and Reed are so excited to be back together. Jeremy's assumption is Reed will ditch their alliance for his boyfriend, Wes, and Alec (the former Coyopa). Despite Alec being irritating, he's an asset needed in a move to save the singles from Survivor extinction. Though they may die of starvation first from a lack of rice - will there be some groveling to Jeff? Over on Coyopa beach, it's basically the blondest tribe of all time. Jon and Jaclyn kiss a bunch from happiness, inbetween sharing who they trust/distrust. And lonely ol' Keith wears his cowboy boots on the dock while all the couples sit in the water together. But the perfect pairs crack quickly over the tale as old as time: rice portions. Dale wants to conserve the rice, while Missy likes handing out hefty portions (which now explains why Hunahpu has hardly any rice left). RICE FIGHT!!!

The Immunity Challenge is to retrieve a bag of keys, trudge through mud, and toss sandbags onto a platform. Despite being a tribe of mostly related people, Coyopa continues their destiny of being a failed orange tribe. Hunahpu's new tribe maintains the physical dominance that it previously had and they win immunity. And then Hunahpu requests a little side talk with Jeff: Reed begs and pleads for a trade to get a bag of rice. Others from Coyopa jump in to express their disgust at the poor rationing. Probst is like, "Well maybe your hunger is why you guys lost a bunch." BURN! Probst plans to come to Hunahpu's beach eventually with a proposal. Let's hope the Jeff Probst asking fee is a better deal than Rumpelstiltskin or Ursula the Sea Witch.

The easy vote for Coyopa would be Keith, a lone wolf, but some couples aren't being embraced (OK one single couple and it's Missy and Baylor). Except he's not even up for consideration since Dale doesn't care for Missy or Baylor. Jon and Jaclyn become the swing pair and are torn who to align with: Dale/Kelley are sneaky and Missy/Baylor are known flippers (well just Baylor).

TRIBAL COUNCIL TIME! Keith feels like the tribe swap kind of screwed him. But Jeff reminds the tribe that two pairs will probably team up to take out another pair, so it's all cutthroat. Dale is very open that he doesn't care for Baylor since she turned the girls against him week one. Jon and Jaclyn think being the swing is a good position and Dale jokes about them being the hottest couple. Because they are, seriously. But see, it's just parents trying to protect their kids and isn't that wonderful? Eh not really, let's get to Blood vs. Water battling! The royal couple choose a side: Kelley is eliminated from the game with three votes.

October 16, 2014

Survivor San Juan Del Sur: A Good Ol' Blindside for Hot Mess Hunahpu

10/16/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 4

The two tribes arrive at Hero's Arena and delusional Drew arrives with a plan. You see, turns out Hunahpu (specifically Jon) didn't drop the flint in the fire days ago. Yup, it was next to the fire the whole time. Drew is the dingus who thinks Probst will let them trade for fishing gear. It's a resounding AW HELL NO. Jon and his girlfriend Jaclyn compete in the weekly Reward Challenge to stomp on a catapault to launch balls into baskets. Sleeping comfort items or campfire food are on the line, and it's hard to decline s'mores but Hunahpu does it. And he sends Jaclyn to Exile with Drew and his flowy hair and claims of being a ladies man mastermind. Instead of napping for 24 hours, Drew has a "genius" idea to throw the next challenge and whittle down his tribe AKA eliminate a woman because the wannabe alpha always thinks the women are conspiring against him.

This week presents us beginning of Hunahpu's self destruction, with barely any focus on Coyopa. Julie's bummed that John got judged-and-booted quickly, but puts on a happy face that she doesn't have to worry about him dragging down her game. Since he's had some decent clues, Keith goes Immunity Idol hunting by the well but it ends unsuccessfully with Reed interrupting. Keith's assumption isn't that he failed to find the idol, it's that someone else has it and tells his tribe Jeremy has the idol. Jeremy is furious because he thought Keith was his ally - firefighter bros forever. Then Keith does more thinking, realizing an idol is important, and finds the damn thing. So he has safety, but now a target since everyone thinks Keith is a sneaky liar. Great work!

This week's water-based immunity challenge is to swim and jump off a platform to retrieve rings, then use those rings a game of ring toss. Drew is the Hunahpu ring toss man, which gives him all the power to really poorly throw the challenge, yet no one seems to notice. I mean, I'm terrible at frisbee so maybe I'd be crappy like Drew too (or for a million dollars I'd legit try). Coyopa rejoices in finally getting a chance to hold the eyeless wonder of an Immunity Idol.

"If I don't want to win, we're not gonna win. That's what makes me the kingpin of my tribe." Drew voiceovers like a megadouche. He also believes he's a total manipulator, which is hilarious since he runs nothing and has no respect. But this is a tribe in disarray, having to actually play the game for the first time. Jon thinks Julie should go, as she has no loved one left and would target couples later. Drew thinks Kelley is the most dangerous mastermind manipulator that will take out the guys. Jeremy wants the tribe/alliance to have his back and vote off Keith, who create distrust by lying about Jeremy's alleged idol. The girls are outnumbered when it comes to a tribal majority, but if everyone is all over the place they could make a move: vote off Drew, who is a bigger (and more annoying) threat). And Drew doesn't care because he supposedly runs everything and he says Kelley should go and he is the king of the tribe.

Tribal Council time! Missy believes half the tribe is selfish, which is so true given the earlier circumstances where everyone thinks they're voice is the one to follow. Drew still pretends he had a crappy day at the challenge, though Probst claiming Dale could be Drew's grandpa is kiiiiinda pressing the age limit since Dale's daughter Kelley is practically the same age as Drew. But given that people don't know how to act at a first Tribal Council, it's Jeremy who comes off crazy after going on another rant about Keith's idol lie. Keith doesn't seem to grasp that it's a dumb move to put a target on an ally, and Jeremy is just looking crazy because he won't shut up. But Jeremy still comes out clean because most of the tribe is aligned with him, the sub-alliances that Jeremy understands you need while Keith has never heard of it. Drew wants to remove bad energy, which makes many smirk. When it comes to voting, the votes are all over the place on the divided tribe. Kelley, Keith, and Julie all receive votes but the jumbled tribe allows the majority to vote out the delusional Drew. Oh I love a blindside of a person who claims they run it all.

October 9, 2014

Survivor San Juan Del Sur: Hey John Rocker, You're Out

10/09/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3

After Val's disastrous bluff last week, John Rocker has to come face-to-face with her husband Jeremy at the Hero Arena. Jeremy is pissed to see that John didn't keep up his end of the deal, pointing out to Coyopa that it's clearly men picking off the women. John apologizes to Jeremy for not saving Val, which blows his alliance's mind to know that he was wheelin' and dealin' on the side. Now onto what the arena is for: Wes and his dad Keith compete by balancing on a wobbly balance beam while moving and stacking square planks. Wes finally wins something for Coyopa - they get fishing gear for a reward. After some father/son emotional weepies, Keith gets his second trip to Exile Island, this time joined by Josh. Together they realize the idol is possibly already in possession at both beaches, then bond over a snail dinner.

Hunahpu is starting to get some tribe drama going, sick of Drew being lazy and yet acting like he's the leader. But it's Jeremy who brings the drama this week, pissed about John breaking the agreement to save his wife. Jeremy outs to his tribe who John Rocker is and his reputation for his foul comments in the past. No one is pleased to hear this and all still want him gone. Julie's in the woods crying worried about her boyfriend and the assumption that John is running stuff and now a target. John is hustling over at Coyopa to make good, using the fishing gear to get a catfish and feed his tribe. Baylor tries to play the game and encourage Wes and Alec to make a move, but they're just super guy strong and feel the need to pick the women off one by one.

This Immunity Challenge of the week is to get latched together in pairs, collect a ball in an obstacle court, and shoot a basket. The creepy eyeless idol goes to the first team to score three points after a bunch of heats. It's fun to see people dragged in the dirt, bumping the heads full force into bamboo poles. The other fun part is having to scuttle through the maze to retrieve a missed shot - creates a lot of chaos and drained energy. Hunahpu wins immunity for the third challenge in a row, and Natalie celebrates by yelling to John Rock and Coyopa that he's a racist, a jerk, and a poor sport. John's girlfriend Julie tries to defend him to her tribe, explaining that it was an article in the past. "If you were a man, I'd knock your teeth out," John says to Natalie. Class act!

Coyopa returns to camp to ponder who to vote off yet again, and John's poor reactions at the Immunity Challenge make him really stand out. John realizes he spoke a bit too much, running his mouth. Trying to save himself, John suggests to the girls that they blindside Dale who can't perform in challenges - but then he wants the guys to blindside Baylor. Josh is the smart one who knows that John is an awful loose cannon and he probably has the idol. Josh wants everyone to give no indication at all that John is the target, then blindside him at Tribal Council. But the guys are a little wary because John is a strong guy and ugh, bros always stick together.

Tribal Council time! John explains that Val left because she was a horrible bluffer, not because he didn't protect her. He also denies being the leader after the Natalie argument is brought up. But Jaclyn mentions the guys maybe turning on each other, John makes a weird face, and then Wes denies it. Baylor believes she'll get votes; Jaclyn is oblivious because she's not part of anything. After voting, John does not play his hidden immunity idol. It seems like Baylor could go, but the majority vote sends John Rocker packing in a blindside.

October 2, 2014

Survivor San Juan Del Sur: Idol Lies

10/02/2014 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 2

The tribes come into the Hero Arena and Natalie is shocked to see her twinnie was the first eliminated but saves her big sobs for post-challenge. The Reward Challenge is for one person from each tribe to balance a ball on a paddle through a course, ending with rolling balls into targets. Coyopa gets to pick who competes, so John Rocker volunteers and therefore plays against his girlfriend Julie. John's a big dude so he's pretty screwed when it comes to keep balance while ducking real low, yet a woman winning this agility challenge just blows Probst's mind apparently - or I guess he assumes former pro athletes are invincible in everything. "I just got beaten by a girl," John says, reminding us exactly of that big mouth we all know he had. Julie wins reward for Hunahpu: fishing gear! And sends Jeremy to Exile Island! Reed tries haggling with Jeff Probst to keep the fishing gear and trade their beans to get new flint. But Probst you don't probe the Probst, trying to do sneaky leverage stuff. Ultimately Hunahpu gives up the fishing gear for flint because fire is huge and Probst ain't playing nice. So maybe don't drop the flint into the fire again next time, other Jon.

Jeremy 100% knows the man he's on Exile with and isn't particularly thrilled with Rocker's past comments. But this is a game and Jeremy decides to buddy up with John as a way to protect his wife Val, sharing the immunity idol clue he receives from the jug. But Jeremy isn't the only one clued in on John's actual identity, as his tribe talks all about his former antics and tirades. It's hard to shake being an ahole.


The tribes in the middle of the ocean for this week's Immunity Challenge of sumo style battles to knock their competitor into the water. They say "sumo style" because Survivor doesn't want to admit it's totally American Gladiators joust with bags instead of sticks. The hope here is for loved ones to beat the shit out of each other. Mom Missy splits her daughter Baylor's lip, which leads to Survivor: Blood IN Water. LOLZ. Other actual loved one battles include the brothers and the boyfriends - which are less bloody. The sadness is we were denied to see two twins knock each other out. The best battle is Jon vs. John, where the smaller Jon defeats the Goliath of big John. Hunahpu wins the eyeless immunity idol again, so except safety yet little sleep because that creature lurks around camp.

Ok, so here's where it becomes a major WTF moment. John Rocker tells Val that Jeremy shared the Immunity Idol clue with him, but says he didn't find anything over on Exile Beach. Val makes the stupidest move and tells John that she found TWO idols already (one at Exile and one at their camp site) and will use them to save her and Jaclyn. Thinking this show is just pooping out idols everywhere, John uses the clue he received to find the first hidden Immunity Idol on the season. I mean, it's pretty straight forward when it's like "Take seven steps from the well." John relays to the guys the news about Val's two idols and suggests splitting the votes between Val and Baylor so that if Val plays those idols a girl would still go instead of a guy. But John made a deal with Jeremy to help Val out, so he tells her about this vote split and tells her to play the idol. The idol she totally doesn't have. Val is not worried because the votes should be 5-3 in her favor.

Tribal Council time! First topic of discussion is how Coyopa always lost the duels when they challenged a loved one, which reminds them that they don't typically think things out well. Josh compares his tribe to a play before it goes fully live, having to make a lot of revisions due to failures along the way. Val calls Baylor out for playing both sides at camp, who told the women last week to vote for Dale and then voted with the guys instead. Plus the tribe has heard all the gossip that Val's supposedly sitting on two idols. Let's vote! The vote is tied between Val and Baylor, so a re-vote happens because no idol is played - because there isn't one. In the re-vote, the idol isn't play again - because Val doesn't have one, let alone two. Val is eliminated from the game and I am so relieved I didn't make her my winner prediction like I strongly considered.