January 5, 2015

The Bachelor: Goodbye Juanuary, Hello Prince Farming

1/05/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 1

Hope you guys like farming metaphors, because we've got a new Bachelor and he's Chris the farmer. Semi-fresh off of being dumped by Andi in the final three, Chris is ready to depart his Iowa farm to meet a bunch of girls who are willing to be filmed on television for the chance at love. And if you need a refresher, the show will kindly remind you 125 times that Chris is a farmer from Iowa. Actual words uttered, "I'm proud to be able to feed the world." Listen he's got some fresh suits, a fast motorcycle, a hot bod courtesy of Bachelor bud Cody, alarming white teeth that can't be at all natural, and a field full of corn and other veggies ripe for puns. Now all he needs is a fiance and apparently reality TV is, to quote Chris himself, "the best way to find love." Obviously, just ask Juan Pablo.

Now just a note: this whole premiere is a live event in LA where all the former stars walk a red carpet amongst the fans. I know, I should've been invited given my star appearance at The Men Tell All. So to drag out the three hour premiere, we get to hear from some "faves." It takes well over 58 minutes into the episode before we even get a limo. Catherine/Sean are bland as ever and talk about kids, while I suspect she could've been hiding a baby bump behind a fugly cape and clutch over her stomach. Marcus and Lacy are still in Bachelor in Paradise love and want to get married this year. Josh and Andi are in love and like kind of planning a wedding. But Nikky, the former flame of Juan Pablo, is the only interesting one who addresses the negativity after the finale. The couple tried and couldn't make it work. No regrets. Hey guys, I smell a contender for the next Bachelorette. Meanwhile, all the fans are on the sidelines while former castmembers barely acknowledge their presence.

We get an introduction to a few ladies via video packages (highlight: flight attendant Alissa hands passengers roses and they're like, "The ffffff??"), but let's juts skip ahead to the watered down driveway and limo entrances. And by skip ahead, I mean 58 minutes ahead because that's how long it takes between Chris' Iowa video package to the first girl strolling out of a limo. The first girl is Britt who is such a hugger than it's awkwardly long. In fact, there are a lot of dull hug intros which makes many girls completely forgettable. Reegan is the first to bust out props with a cooler with a "fake" heart because she sells human tissue. It's probably not human but it's gotta be some poor animal that's getting its star debut on reality TV. Tara the country girl shows up in cowboy boots and Daisy Dukes which appalls everyone; she quickly changes and reintroduces herself in classy form. Crazy eyes Amanda makes the chauffeur do her bidding with a note to play secret admirer, which is a lame attempt to show Chris she tooootally knows him. But at fifteen girls the limos stop coming and Chris Harrison gives the go-ahead to mingle inside. The girls are totally perplexed because there's usually 25 girls but they figure they're just a special 15 and he's maybe all theirs, basking in the time with him.

But of course there's not only 15 girls who want to be on TV for love, so the limos start arriving again and the girls are ripshit. I mean, he already made a speech so it has to be official right? The First Impression Rose is already in the room. New girls start pouring out of limos with their gimmicks (hello pink karaoke machine and a pig nose!) and the original 15 peek out the window and throw major shade at the newcomers. Oh and there's not two more limos, there are three: 30 girls. Holy estrogen and sequins. "Can I steal you?" becomes the catchphrase of the night as everyone edges for a few minutes with Chris. Others take it in stride. Others hit the bottle (ahem, cowboy boots Tara the sloppy drunk). Some girls from the first 15 feel entitled like they deserve more attention, especially drunk Ashley S. who makes an onion metaphor then gets distracted by a pomegranate that she thinks is an onion. But to the patient come the rewards: Chris takes hugger Britt to the side and gives her the First Impression Rose. Earlier there was a near-kiss but this time, it's the real thing: night one kiss, guyz!! I don't read spoilers at all, but I've got Britt down for final two, if not the one. They've got a spark.

And so comes the Rose Ceremony which on night one is a true endurance of the memory, trying to remember so many names. As the tension rises, so does Tara's vomit threshold and she can barely stand still in her crunkness and impatience of waiting for a rose. Chris notices the hot mess in the top row and leaves for a chat session with Chris Harrison, torn about keeping her around given her behavior. She eventually gets a rose which infuriates the girls who understand how to hang with booze. So who's gone that you might actually remember? The aspiring WWE diva in the skanky lace dress, pig nose prop, crazy eyes Amanda and her crappy secret admirer schtick, and some other randos. Except this one girl Kimberly the yoga instructor isn't accepting her rejection and goes back inside to take Chris aside... until next week when we find out. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN! 

This season on The Bachelor: lots of kissing! Fighting! Loud sobboning! A virgin in the Fantasy Suite! Tent sex?! And of course, FARMS!!