Hope you guys like farming metaphors, because we've got a new Bachelor and he's Chris the farmer. Semi-fresh off of being dumped by Andi in the final three, Chris is ready to depart his Iowa farm to meet a bunch of girls who are willing to be filmed on television for the chance at love. And if you need a refresher, the show will kindly remind you 125 times that Chris is a farmer from Iowa. Actual words uttered, "I'm proud to be able to feed the world." Listen he's got some fresh suits, a fast motorcycle, a hot bod courtesy of Bachelor bud Cody, alarming white teeth that can't be at all natural, and a field full of corn and other veggies ripe for puns. Now all he needs is a fiance and apparently reality TV is, to quote Chris himself, "the best way to find love." Obviously, just ask Juan Pablo.
Now just a note: this whole premiere is a live event in LA where all the former stars walk a red carpet amongst the fans. I know, I should've been invited given my star appearance at The Men Tell All. So to drag out the three hour premiere, we get to hear from some "faves." It takes well over 58 minutes into the episode before we even get a limo. Catherine/Sean are bland as ever and talk about kids, while I suspect she could've been hiding a baby bump behind a fugly cape and clutch over her stomach. Marcus and Lacy are still in Bachelor in Paradise love and want to get married this year. Josh and Andi are in love and like kind of planning a wedding. But Nikky, the former flame of Juan Pablo, is the only interesting one who addresses the negativity after the finale. The couple tried and couldn't make it work. No regrets. Hey guys, I smell a contender for the next Bachelorette. Meanwhile, all the fans are on the sidelines while former castmembers barely acknowledge their presence.
We get an introduction to a few ladies via video packages (highlight: flight attendant Alissa hands passengers roses and they're like, "The ffffff??"), but let's juts skip ahead to the watered down driveway and limo entrances. And by skip ahead, I mean 58 minutes ahead because that's how long it takes between Chris' Iowa video package to the first girl strolling out of a limo. The first girl is Britt who is such a hugger than it's awkwardly long. In fact, there are a lot of dull hug intros which makes many girls completely forgettable. Reegan is the first to bust out props with a cooler with a "fake" heart because she sells human tissue. It's probably not human but it's gotta be some poor animal that's getting its star debut on reality TV. Tara the country girl shows up in cowboy boots and Daisy Dukes which appalls everyone; she quickly changes and reintroduces herself in classy form. Crazy eyes Amanda makes the chauffeur do her bidding with a note to play secret admirer, which is a lame attempt to show Chris she tooootally knows him. But at fifteen girls the limos stop coming and Chris Harrison gives the go-ahead to mingle inside. The girls are totally perplexed because there's usually 25 girls but they figure they're just a special 15 and he's maybe all theirs, basking in the time with him.
This season on The Bachelor: lots of kissing! Fighting! Loud sobboning! A virgin in the Fantasy Suite! Tent sex?! And of course, FARMS!!