January 27, 2015

The Bachelor: The One Where Chris Practices Ballroom Dancing Alone

1/27/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 4

Chris Harrison drops a "bomb" on the girls that this week will have two group dates and only one 1-on-1 date. But the 1-on-1 date won't be chosen by Chris (coughProducerscough), but the three most important women in his life: his sisters. They don't have the fancy air of the audience members of the season premiere. While group date #1 is off with Chris, the remaining girls get questioned by the sisters, dropping their best sob stories and tears.

Speaking of group date #1, Chris and the girls drive on the highway in some classic convertibles before getting out at a nasty lake for a "beach" day. Granted she's a real mope about it, but I understand Kelsey's gripes about the dirty lake. Virgin Ashley I. decides she needs to make a bigger impression, so she ditches her bikini top. The day at the lake turns into a night of camping where everyone gets really drunk, Ashley S. returns with her incoherence, and Chris bonds more with Kaitlyn (she gets the rose). Now as you'll recall, the show aired some promos early on showing a girl sneaking into Chris' tent and lots of sound effects. Well, it was a ruse! A total sham. Basically, Ashley I. wants Chris to know her more and tells a sleepy, drunk Chris she's less "experienced" which she assumes he understood. He didn't because he's half asleep and drunk, and instead pulls her in to makeout in the tent. What a good dude.

After their interrogations, Chris' sisters choose cosmetics developer date for the 1-on-1 date. Chris knows a date is coming, but doesn't know who his Cinderella will be. I say "his Cinderella" because this is a wonderful product placement date to hype the new Cinderella movie starring Robb Stark and cousin Rose from Downton Abbey. A pink-haired fairy godmother showers Jade in options for dresses, shoes, and diamond earrings (which she gets to keep). This is hands down the only interesting part of the date, minus Chris practicing ballroom dancing alone. Jade and Chris are quite the match because they are both equally dull. The boring talking ceases and the date moves to some ballroom dancing as an orchestra plays, which is a nice twist on the usual private concerts (not a no-name country star?!) Jade receives a rose as the date ends at Midnight because at 12:01 Chris will turn back into an ear of corn.

The girls of the last group date are surprised with: wedding dresses. Polygamist wedding ceremony? Sadly, no. Instead they're flown off to San Francisco in a private jet to run a Muckfest course, which is an obstacle course in mud. So long white dresses (as if you gals should be wearing white to begin with). Chris uses his time to slowly navigate the course and help the women. She-Hulk Jillian is on the date, so it's a no brainer who wins the course. She wins alone time, while the others are jetted back to the mansion. But it's not a win overall for Jillian. Their romantic rooftop dinner is super awkward as Jillian talks way too much about her workout routine and gets drunker and drunker until everything she says is embarassing. In her defense, Chris did start with the job interview question of, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Jillian does not get the rose as Chris dumps her for not being a match for him.

With a lack of alone time in the group date setting, the cocktail hour is used to everyone's advantage to be seen. Megan blindfolds Chris and feeds him chocolate dipped fruit, and I get very bothered when he guesses "raspberry" and Megan squeals, "Yes!" when it's CLEARLY a blackberry. Ashley I. realizes that drunk Chris didn't understand their tent talk so she outright tells him she's a virgin and he makes one of his usual derp faces and says it's OK. Ashley I. heads off and cries that he hates her now because he didn't kiss her, and the other girls are shocked given Ashley I's constant need to be all over Chris. But there's a bombshell: Becca is a virgin too. Britt chooses to use her alone time as a way to seethe with jealously over Chris picking girls who kiss him, take off their clothes, and use their sex appeal (where's the flashback of Britt just jumping to makeout with him last week?) Britt is jealous of the other girls and not being the center of Chris' polyamorous universe. Chris doesn't appreciate hearing that the girls question his integrity, because he's put his soul (or "soule") into it and is here for the right reasons.

To kickoff the Rose Ceremony, Chris reiterates he's here for the right reasons and if they question him they can go home. The roses are handed out in the usual order that gives Ashley I. plenty of time to freak out and stress, but she gets a rose. The one who has to wait for last is Britt, maybe to scare her for wasting alone time whining. Sadly this week we lose the crazy TV gold that is Ashley S., along with single mom Juelia and some other rando named Nikki.

Next week: hot air balloons! Sexy times? Kelsey's a phony?

P.S. Don't forget to check out my weekly 'The Bachelor' Rate the Dates post over on Beamly!