February 2, 2015

The Bachelor: Everyone's Cray in Santa Fe

2/02/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 5

The month's rent on the mansion is up, which means it's time to begin travelling the world. Except Chris is a good ol' country boy so instead of the world we're heading to fabulous Santa Fe, New Mexico. If you're wondering if the girls know the difference between New Mexico and the country Mexico, don't think too hard: they don't. But they get to live the high live in a casino resort whose suite actually has a corn wall sculpture. Please stop.

Carly's date card says, "Let's come together" and given the steamy preview we all giggle at the possibility of the misspelling that date card could've had. Chris and Carly meet with a love and intimacy mentor to meditate and bring out their intimacy eventhough I feel like Chris doesn't know know Carly's last name at this point, let alone what it needed to reach a point of intimacy with her. It's a lot of new age weirdness and the only thing missing is a Pure Moods CD and maybe some peyote. The date is beyond uncomfortable, especially with Carly who really isn't digging the idea of undressing a guy on a first date. This doesn't stop them from straddling each other and heavy breathing to another level of uncomfortable for viewers. It culminates in a kiss, and maybe other things we can joke about. Later they have dinner and talk about how that date was beyond bizarre but they got through it together. Since Carly's last boyfriend refused to touch her, she's not used to the physical side of a relationship hence why this date was hard for her. Girl, it'd be hard for everyone. The two have some really deep talks and seem to bond a lot; Carly gets the rose.

The group date brings all the girls to the Rio Grande River for a quick lecture to not die before getting into the boats for some white water rafting. Jade falls into the water which isn't as funny as it should be since she has a condition that causes her to quickly get hypothermia. The outdoor adventure ends quickly before leading to a hotel rooftop cocktail party... with a twist! Drunk Jordan from week two drove all the way from Colorado for a second chance. Chris flat out tells her that he didn't really get to know her and she seemed more interested in her Pinot Grigio. But Chris is a sucker and she's allowed back into the competition, hopefully with the stipulation that she has to have to wear a wristband at all time that denies her access to the bar. Chris assumes the girls will just accept it, but instead they all use their alone time to tell Chris they don't like this choice to bring Jordan back. Once the girls complain enough, Chris backs down and dismisses Jordan a second time. Chris apologizes to the girls, then gives the date rose to Whitney. The Jordan debacle and the rose sends Ashley I. on yet another tirade of how Whitney is fake, Ashley is wonderful, blah blah. Oh Ashley, please calm down.

Britt's date card hints at flying which sends her into tears because she's afraid of heights. The other girls think she's afraid of bathing since she apparently hasn't showered in two weeks (lots of fodder for the other girls). But Chris makes everything in the world OK, waking her up in the wee hours of the morning where she's perfectly made up because you gotta look pretty at all times on reality TV. The couple take a sunrise hot air balloon over the beautiful New Mexico landscape. And as they makeout high in the sky I remember that there's a balloon operator with them who is probably reeeeeally uncomfortable right now. As Britt is all fluttery and telling Chris about how she wants lots of kids, etc., the other girls are gossiping about how she told the others she's not in a rush to get married and isn't even sure she wants kids. RIGHT REASONS?!

So it's been awhile since the show covered this, but Kelsey is a widower and she hasn't even really told Chris about it. What this also means is Kelsey is used to be the one and not 1/30, which is why she throws a real 'tude getting another group date. The last straw is Britt returning from her date and claiming the pair "took a nap." Kelsey sees that she's not advancing and needs to make a move, so she heads up to his hotel room for a surprise visit. Kelsey's visit is to tell Chris all about her prior love story with the husband that passed away. But the edit is far more sinister in that Kelsey might be using her tragedy to get closer to Chris, which definitely works since her and Chris kiss afterwards. Kelsey tells us that while this show is Chris' story, it's also hers and we're all following her amazing story of moving on and finding love again. Yikes.

Everyone walks in their overly high heels to a different location for the Rose Ceremony, and everyone is really cranky this week. I'd blame jetlag but it's just LA to Santa Fe which is nothing. But the girls notice that Kelsey is oddly confident considering all the tension in the room. Chris enters the room for his pre-Rose Ceremony speech which includes more apologies for that Jordan debacle and the deep thinking he endured after talking to Kelsey. Chris is so taken aback that he needs to go aside and take a break, I guess overwhelmed from a day of deep thinking. Kelsey comes clean to the girls that she went to see Chris earlier and share her story "uninterrupted" while also stressing the importance of time. Chris Harrison delivers the bummer news that there's no cocktail party, which I thought was a given but whatever, so it's onto the Rose Ceremony. The girls will have to trust that Chris likes them enough without pleading their case like a jury. Kelsey is super nervous that her talk with Chris earlier made him cancel the cocktail party and isn't sure what's going to happen. And then cut to Kelsey laying on the floor having a panic attack. What is going on? TO BE CONTINUED.