March 2, 2015

The Bachelor: Chris' Women Tell All While Attempting to Cry on Cue

3/02/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 9 - The Women Tell All

To begin the Women Tell All, the most excrutiating 2 hours of recapping I face each season, there are clips show of Chris Soules and Chris Harrison crashing viewing parties. The best party went all out including cowboy hats, bales of hay, and various corn related products. Most just had shrieking women getting bombed on wine.

So the big reunion kicks off and Kelsey gets the littlest amount of cheers/applause because DUH. The video package alone brings Britt to tears, who wonders why Carly lied about being her friend. "It's not about friendship!" some rando whines before Britt is brought to the hot seat. Britt insists she was falling in love with Chris and thinks Carly is the driving force that sent her home. While a couple girls defend Britt, others defend her authenticity. Sounds like Carly talked shizz about a few girls, and Jillian's defense of Britt brings Britt to tears. She's a crier, guys. There's a ton of whining about what was supposedly true, like wanting to have kids, loving Arlington, wanting to move to Iowa. Carly yaps some more about how she was looking out for Chris' best interest, wanting to make sure the girl he ended up with wanted to be a farm girl forever. Carly believes Britt puts on a show like an actress and I'll 100% agree with her on that one. It's an irritating whinefest with constant insistence she was there for love. Sorry but in her dramatic pauses and attempts to force out tears, I find everything calculated in this entire segment.

Kelsey is next in the hot seat after getting her terrible intro as "The Black Widow." Kelsey feels betrayed and now feels like she's grieving again after re-opening this story. Girl at least has a clue, knowing that a lot of her actions could easily be misconstrued like the panic attack before the Rose Ceremony or sneaking alone time to tell Chris her story (omitted the part about going in for a kiss after). The girls try to interrupt a couple times, so after her fair chance to speak, Chris Harrison opens the floodgate to allow the women to attack. The women are all super offended that Kelsey used her sob story to get ahead, since many experienced similar tragedies (specifically Juelia, who shared her sad story at a pool party). Kelsey has nothing to ask the women except for their forgiveness, but Ashley I's like "NO THX" and Kelsey's like "UMMM you started the worst lie ever that I made up my dead husband." But Kelsey definitely regrets her "great story" comments because of the way came off, because she truly thought she found the love of her life. But the show helped Kelsey being open to the idea of finding love again, so it worked that way. Too bad she's now facing loads of crap from the fans and public.

A little levity is needed after the tension brought on by Kelsey and Britt, so Chris Harrison brings kooky Ashley S. into the hot seat. Harrison gifts her with an onion, a reminder of when she was shit-faced and thought a pomegranate was an onion. Everyone laughs about her tendency to wander around the property, poking into control rooms and believing production was better on the show. Ashley thinks the cameras make her act silly, but all of this is so uncomfortable with Harrison prodding about her weird behavior. BUT, she's the first to get an official invite to Bachelor in Paradise and her response is just that this is weird being on TV. It's the awkward Bachelor interview for the ages!

There's a couple more unremarkable hot seats. Jade talks about her sexy past doing nudie pics for Playboy. Jade was falling in love with Chris, yet isn't totally sure Chris was telling the truth about the nude stuff not mattering. It seems Jade reads Chris' blog and was crushed that he called this other side of her "disturbing," because he loved the sweet side of her and not the sexy one. Be pissed Jade because that's a crappy thing to say. Last in the hot seat is Kaitlyn, because she was the most recent dumpee and because they're still getting feelers on Bachelorette candidates. Since Kaitlyn is the "funny one" this is a chance to show her softer side, the kind you'd want to see find love on TV again. The end of this relationship haunts Kaitlyn daily, wondering why Chris didn't drop a hints or a sign. Ummm because he's a dope. Kaitlyn is just SO CONFUSED, and she repeats that over and over.

"The moment we've all been waiting for" arrives when Chris Soules comes out onstage to face the women and make some of his incredible thinking faces. Has anyone ever seen a person emote so much confusion while attempting to use their brain? As soon as Chris comes out Britt starts crying and asks to come up. Carly FUMES, Britt cries more, Chris insists Carly's comments didn't affect his decision at all, and then gives her blessing. Kaitlyn wants more of an explanation of why things ended, and Chris of course talks in circles without ever giving a real answer. Jade requests to come on stage to talk with Chris, not at him from the sidelines. Chris then has to explain why he called her "disturbing" because her family said she was wild and he saw the shy girl. "All you had to do was be honest," Jade cries after bringing up his comments about watching her nudie vids together awkward. I'll say Chris was slightly better at articulating this, but he's still a total dingus.

AND THEN THERE'S BLOOPERS!!!!!!!!!!! Which includes a dog humping a sock monkey.

Next week: the three hour finale!