May 18, 2015

The Bachelorette: Team Kaitlyn, Team Britt, Team Cupcake Car?

Week 1 - Part 1

Let's kick off this season of women empowerment with two women having to battle each other for a chance to stick around for love! Chris Harrison explains all the men they auditioned were torn between the two, as if production actually cares who they're most attracted too. Remember when Bentley was cast for Ashley's season but was there for Emily? Exactly. I'm all for the 2-on-1 dates mid-season, but to do this night one seems unfair. And so two women get into two separate limos, one dressed in white, one in black because SYMBOLISM, and arrive at the mansion with the slicked up driveway.

Now if you're wondering what idiots signed up for this, let's meet them. Jonathan is the hot single dad from Detroit. Joe has a bizarrely proportioned head. Josh has tiny eyes, studying for the bar exam, and moonlights as a stripper - I shall officially call him Magic Josh. Brady is an aspiring singer/songwriter that has the visual appeal of someone who should definitely be writing the songs behind the scenes. Joshua looks like Chris Lambert from Ali's season, and he lives out in farmland like good ol' Chris Soules but he's a welder that can make iron roses. Ian was a former runner who nearly died in a car crash, but he can run again. Tony is a healer who kisses his bonzai trees (not a euphemism). Ben Z has the sad backstory of a deceased mom. And Jared is just no. A few of the guys are there for Britt, but most have common sense and are there for Kaitlyn.

After awkward interlude with Chris Harrison, the girls stand 15 feet apart from each other to let the competition begin. The first limo crew is pre-dominantly Team Britt, leading to many uncomfortable moments as one woman watches over another woman getting fawned over. Nothing strokes the self esteem more than hearing a guy tell the girl next to you, "I came here specifically for you." But fear not Kaitlyn fans AKA everyone else, more guys start to show up there for the funny girl. But who cares about this stuff, let's discuss the completely moronic entrances. Who knew a hockey puck was what it would take to break the ice, as JJ wants to "puck" Kaitlyn. Other guys dance, dress in dumb tennis outfits, and Magic Josh strips. Shawn E wins the night as he arrives in a hot tub car, yes a convertible that is a hot tub, but drunk Ryan (more below) ruins the moment. Chris the dentist makes a "sweet" entrance in his cupcake car. Ugh, I'm hungry now.

The guys are all a little weirded out by the process of having to date two women while also competing with 25 guys. Kaitlyn ducks out halfway to say hi to the guys inside, which Britt doesn't like because it's not "fair." Neither is this head-to-head concept, but I'm not a producer. Kaitlyn kicks off the night with one of her trademark jokes, then Britt makes a speech. Then the fight for time with the women begins. As the men get to know Britt and Kaitlyn, some opinions change. Though one man's heart lies with one man: Chris Harrison, who he drew riding a triceratops. It's all fun until Chris Harrison comes out: the men will have to cast a vote via rose in a box to choose which woman stays and becomes The Bachelorette. The voting boxes look like little coffins with a rose hole perfectly cut into the top for the drop in. I need one of these boxes next to a portrait of me (with Chris Harrison?) riding a triceratops.

The voting and campaigning begin. "Right now they're in the hot seat and we're good," some douchey guy explains. No you're in there world, guy. This is The Bachelorette. But it's true both women are worried and hoping to get that majority vote so they can continue this journey. Shawn E confronts drunk Ryan for ruining his hot tub carpool entrance, but he's blackout to the point of not recalling being that guy. Ryan finally gets his alone time with Britt, so the guys try to save her from the slurring. Points to the guy who tries the "Hey, the bartender has a drink for you" line. Almost worked! But when he gets handsy and touches Kaitlyn's butt, all bets are off. Kaitlyn is offended and the guys don't appreciate that dirtbag behavior either. Ryan continues the franchise drunk cliche but stripping down to his underwear and getting into the pool, followed by knocking lamps over and throwing his precious rose vote against the wall. We reach an impressive point in Bachelor franchise history as a bouncer/bodyguard retrieves Ryan because Chris Harrison wants to talk to him. That's because you NEVER betray Chris Harrison's roses. Chris tells him it's clear he's not there for the girls, so Ryan gives one last smirk to the camera, and goes away.

The night continues on in a much smooth fashion now that drunko is gone. The roses are dropped into their coffins, seemingly split between the women. Minds are changing as each gets to know the women based off more than their initial appearance - who'd a thunk it? There's some debate between the guys about who should be picked, with guys hoping that their choice is the one picked. The rose coffins are ominously and we'll have to wait until tomorrow to know who will be our next Bachelorette.