August 31, 2015

Bachelor In Paradise: A Quickie Marriage in Mexico

8/31/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 5 - Part 2

Juelia is stung by a jellyfish and bonds with Tenley in a special way as Tenley peeds on the sting to make the pain stop. This is your weekly Juelia update.

As you may recall Chelsie is the latest newcomer to Paradise and Carly planted the early seeds for Samantha's demise, hoping to setup Chelsie and Dan. Instead Chelsie picks Nick. Nick lets a hungover Ashley S. down oh-so-gently by saying she smells like a brewery. Romance! Chelsie and Nick relax and booze on a yacht, living that baller life. There's only one thing missing on that date and it's any sort of spark. Instead Nick talks about Samantha, and what a coincidence Dan is hung up on Samantha too.

Mackenzie arrives in Paradise and you might remember her as an alien loving single mom with a kid named Kale. Her friend Ashley I. first subtly stakes her claim with Jared, then suggests Mackenzie ask out Justin. Both are single parents, which actually gives them an immediate bond so she invites him on their date. Amber is bummed to see a guy she had interest in dating someone else, but I could've sworn she thought they should just be friends? Mackenzie and Justin trek down a path and encounter a Mexican shaman who speaks no English, makes them strip to their skivvies and perform a bunch of rituals like rubbing mud, washing each other, and roping each other. The rituals end with a "beso" and they're married! It's like that episode of Full House when everyone walks around the table three times and oops, everyone's married.  Anyways, they come back and Mackenzie tells everyone how her and Justin are married and he just hopes she'll get a clue. In his head, Justin is pondering how easy it is to get a Mexican divorce ritual performed.

The hellion music blares as Jaclyn Schwartz arrives in Paradise ready to steal boyfriends and bring drama to Paradise. Her date card sights are set on Jared, Justin, or Dan, and she has no qualms about crushing anyone else's romantic dreams. Jaclyn tells it like it is, calling this season of Bachelor in Paradise "Kaitlyn's Rejects" which is SO accurate. Jaclyn and Jared talk and hit it off a bit since both are New Englanders. Ashley I. is internally freaking out and decides to pull out the wildest of cards: a Fantasy Suite date card. She asks Chris Harrison to end up on a date that would inevitably lead to a Fantasy Suite. Now on most dates, no big deal, but Ashley is a virgin. Basically, this is straight out of the movie Little Darlings and it depresses me. It's this totally misguided notion that is beyond depressing to me. The thing is, Jared does like Ashley but he's nursing a major Kaitlyn heartbreak hence his hesitance to jump into something crazy serious. Just as Jaclyn poses the question to Jared about accepting a date, Ashley I. runs up all giddy with excitement to ask Jared on her date and he accepts. All the guys are like bro'ing out at the idea of Jared taking Ashley's virginity and ugh. Gross. This got cringey, real fast.