February 23, 2015

The Bachelor: A Virgin in the Fantasy Suite? You Better Bali-eve It!

2/23/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 8 - Fantasy Suites

We are finally free of the farmlands and off on an exotic vacation to Bali, where a week of Fantasy Suites lie ahead.

Chris' first date begins with a kiss-free temple visit with Kaitlyn, which means we have to actually listen to this lunkhead talk. They walk around town before heading to like a monkey reserve, where a monkey pees on Chris, slaps him around a little, and steals his bananas. The monkey fun ends quickly so Kaitlyn can tell Chris how much her family loved him, because no one will ever admit Chris is a drip. The romantic dinner conversation is all about Kaitlyn letting her guard down and just letting love in because she's totally feeling the love vibes. Individual keys are forgone in exchange for the Fantasy Suite because "we deserve it" and by "it" we mean "sexy times." Their fantasy suite has a tub for a rose petals AKA you better leave a sweet tip for housekeeping. Kaitlyn tells Chris she's falling in love with him, but here's the thing: he ALSO says he's falling in love with her. I feel like this doesn't happen much?

Whitney is date #2, where they go sailing on the Indian Ocean while poppin' bottles like reality TV ballers do. After incessant babbling about how life together on this boat seems normal, Whitney does damage control over her sister's reluctance about this whole relationship and the falling-in-love-on-TV thing. Chris is like eh, it's cool let's kiss more because you talk too much. They jump into the ocean of metaphor and kiss a bunch more before fast-forwarding to the night portion of the date. Chris' big topic of discussion is that Arlington is a teeny town and Whitney is a career gal and blissfully unaware of the town's true size. "There's nothing to do in Arlington, zero," Chris bluntly tells her while explaining the harsh reality of his beloved hometown. Whitney doesn't care because she wants to be a wife and mom, so the career is a fallback and she's all-in to be anywhere with Chris.

The elephant in the rice paddies is Becca's virgin secret which Chris is still totally unaware of, so it should make dinner an exciting time. The couple pal around with locals while taking time to stop and kiss each other as people try to go about their day working. An awkward blessing at a temple happens where they suggest "making love" and Becca turns red as hell and Chris is just dense to notice. Dinner is basically a ticking virgin-declaration time bomb, as Becca realizes she should maybe come clean before she goes to what we all expect to be the Bone Zone. So Becca explains she has a lot of new feelings since she's never experience what falling in love is like, buuuut once that Fantasy Suite envelope the jig is up. Finally in the Fantasy Suite, Becca tells Chris her big news which the show has been hyping since the first hour of the season when Chris Harrison spoiled it: she's a virgin. The world doesn't end, though it takes that goober Chris a moment to compose himself because he's literally speechless. The two kiss and probably spoon all night.

Chris says he's falling in love with everyone, so this is a tough decision but moreso with a more reserved Becca. Chris is worries about making mistakes and also dealing a soul-crushing, heartbreaking blow to one of the women. Thankfully Chris is not alone in this process: he has Chris Harrison! The sage wisdom of a divorced reality show host with puppet-like arms. Chris wants to be patient with Becca because she's not totally in love yet nor ready to move to Iowa like the other two are so eager to do. If you want to hear Chris repeatedly explain that he could see a future with each girl, this was the drawn out segment of a lifetime. Chris just needs clarity to make this decision. Where is Clare's Bachelor in Paradise raccoon when you need him?

The Rose Ceremony happens at a super strict temple where only holding hands in allowed, which is the ideal place to dump a girl. Chris and Chris Harrison are full on twinning in their traditional garbs, each with a different color sash to express their personalities. The girls are also in traditional outfits, a bright array of neon colors and sarongs. Instead of handing out two roses and dumping Becca on the spot, Chris pulls Becca aside to talk. Becca tries to explain that she's crazy about him and wants the process to be over, but not them as a couple. Becca wants all her feelings out in the open before she's sent home, heart on her sleeve. BUT TWIST! After their talk Chris brings Becca back to the Rose Ceremony, which is a shock to Whitney and Kaitlyn who assumed Becca was given the "It's not you, it's me" speech. Whitney and Becca receive the two roses, leaving Canadian Kaitlyn on the sidelines. Talking to a crying Kaitlyn, Chris explains it might be a wrong decision but he's following his heart. It's more amusing than you'd expect due to a loud rooster going "cock-a-doodle-doo!" in the background. Kaitlyn describes this as "the most humiliating moment of her entire life" and definitely confused, pissed, and heartbroken. But seeing as Kaitlyn is one of the few with a personality this whole season, maybe her reality TV quest for love isn't over. We'll wait and see.

Next week: the Women Tell All and they all hate each other,

February 18, 2015

Survivor: Worlds Apart Pre-Show Winner Prediction

Sound the conch shell, a new season of Survivor is about to begin! In Survivor's 30th season, the tribes have been split based on their occupations into three tribes: blue collar, white collar, and no collar. It's a twist that's been machinating in Jeff Probst's head and in Probst We Trust. We've got one week until the season premiere which means, of course, winner prediction time. As I do every season, I read all CBS.com bios and watch the videos to predict who I think will win the entire season. My track record sucks, but I keep on doing it because it's fun, gives me someone to route for, and ultimately becomes a running joke for any long-time followers. With that...


SO will win Survivor: Worlds Apart

In my history of winner predictions, this is one of the hardest and that's because season 30 has assembled an awesome cast. Minus a few duds or annoyances, this cast seems to be full of true Survivor fans that are ready to outwit, outplay, and outlast. Really anything can happen, but I'm going to go with a gut feeling and roll with So. 

First off, So's on the White Collar tribe (Masaya) and I think that tribe is going to dominate given a mix of brains and brawn. She looks friendly but backs it with smarts and a desire to win. She always seems more athletic, which is always helpful in case you win challenges. While I'm absolutely in love with Shirin, I'm assuming So is more athletic and likely to be kept around should Masaya lose challenges. Jenn was a player I found similar to So and I liked her a lot, but I didn't see a strategic side to her like I did So. I was so surprised to see Max Dawson on the show, as I've been a Twitter follower of his for years and I know how much he loves Survivor. Max is my typical Survivor pick, but I decided to go against my usual instinct - plus I imagine Max will be a post-merge target, allowing someone like So to be shielded. I will say on the No Collar tribe I could see Joe being a real threat, and Mike on the Blue Collar tribe is a real fan that could persuade the tribe (or be a villain). But after Natalie's dominance of last season, I'm keeping the girl power alive.

Ok guys, time for YOU to cast your vote for your pre-show winner prediction! Who do you think will be Worlds Apart's Sole Survivor? VOTE BELOW - voting closes right when the east coast premiere begins!

February 16, 2015

The Bachelor: All the Hometown Awkwardness You Dreamed Of

2/16/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 7 - Part 2

The two night Bachelor event moves along, with another freaking date. Becca gets to chill with Chris in the loft he's staying in for the show. I'm confused how it's a loft when it looks like it;s on the ground floor and the door looks like a business entrance to the parking lot. Becca admits that she's never been in love before, despite being in an on-again-off-again four year relationship (she didn't see him as her husband). They end the night on the loft's rooftop watching (and kissing) by the sunset.

Back at the loft, Britt considers her all-about-me 'tude by telling the other girls she'll probably leave on her own accord before the Rose Ceremony. She's still pissed that after putting her heart out there, Chris didn't immediately bow down to her and automatically choose her for hometowns. Britt keeps changing her mind, which the others call out because they're so tired of her BS. Except there isn't a cocktail party for Britt to make her bold declaration, so it's off to the Rose Ceremony.

As Chris begins one of his many terrible speeches, Britt interrupts and asks for a moment to talk. She begins by apologizing for putting him in an awkward situation at the last date, and Chris explains the others girls question her honesty. Chris doesn't like Britt's disrespectful attitude and prefers Carly's behavior over Britt's tantrums. While Britt assures Chris she was always honest, he sends her out the door and she has a meltdown crying fit outside. The other girls feel no sympathy. Chris returns to complete the Rose Ceremony because he's "not playing games" and following his heart. In the most obvious rejection coming, Carly does not receive a rose. Well at least Britt got dumped before her?

Chris begins his North American voyage of family visits in Shreveport, Lousiana where Becca is from. As they talk and kiss in a canoe, all I'm getting Kermit the Frog singing "Rainbow Connection" vibes. Then Chris gets to meet Becca's family who immediately embrace him, maybe because Becca never brings guys home and they're super excited. Given the fact that Becca hasn't shared the virgin news with him yet, her sister drops a lot of hints to him (but he still doesn't fully get it because he's dense). Becca tells her sister she's not just going to blurt out, "I'm a virgin!" to Chris, instead wanting to share with him at the Fantasy Suite so if he isn't cool with it she'll know it's not right. Becca might be boring TV, but I think she's a good person who is here for the right reasons. Becca thinks she's kissing Chris goodbye, but instead whisks her off for a ride on a ferris wheel at the County Fair.

Whitney partakes in Bring Your Reality Television Boyfriend to Work Day at the fertility clinic. This place is lax enough to let Chris implant the sperm into an egg. Chris puts on his ultimate befuddled face when faced with the possibility of having to give a "sample" into a cup. Any of the Playboys in that room Jade's issue? Luckily it's a joke but honestly this could've been reality TV hilarity history. The family visit itself is quite different, as Whitney was raised by a single mother who passed away. Whitney's sister is the one who will give the relationship blessing, so Whitney stresses for her sister not to ruin this for her. Chris and Whitney later discuss the awkward chat Chris and the sister had, which definitely made him feel bad not getting full approval. To make sure her sister's mixed emotions don't throw this date off, a teary Whitney tells Chris she's fallen in love with him. Aww, I might be on the Whitney train.

While Kaitlyn is from Canada, her family wisely migrates to warm Phoenix in the colder months. Apparently not scared off by Chris' singing voice, Kaitlyn takes him to a recording studio to write and perform a rap together. It's unbelievably, painfully bad. Chris meets Kaitlyn's family and they wisely choose to not bring a copy of their new flop single. Mom wonders if her daughter is past the "really like" phase and she sees potential to fall in love. It's probably editing or something, but Chris spends zero time with her family on air. The night ends with Kaitlyn surprising Chris with a "Kaitlyn <3s a="" billboard="" chris="" his="" is="" knockoff="" of="" p="" skywriting.="" total="" which="">

Chris is confident that despite escaping Nebraska for Los Angeles Jade would totally be down to return to small town life. Yeah right now. Jade's biggest concern of the day is that he still doesn't know her Playboy secret and she's afraid her family will tell him first. It's a bomb waiting to explode since Chris says he admires Jade's "small town values" over and over, and her family keeps making off-handed comments that imply maaaybe there's more to Jade. Jade's dad questions if she's told Chris the truth because clearly the dope isn't in the know. At the hotel that night, Chris tells Jade how her brother called her "a wild mustang," so Jade knows it's time to let Chris in on a bit more of the real her. Jade admits when she came to LA she was approached and posed nude for Playboy. Jade busts out her computer to show Chris the photos and videos, which is a mixed of confusion and childish smirks. Some couples born over porn, but this just made it real uncomfortable. Chris says he doesn't judge her and appreciates who she is - the Playboy revelation doesn't affect their relationship and it's not a dealbreaker. Ugh, that's not dramatic at all!

A big decision lies ahead for Chris as he'll have to break one heart before heading to the Fantasy Suite dates (AKA Bone Zone). Whitney, Kaitlyn, and Becca receive roses, while Jade is empty-handed. Chris insists the only reason she's not moving on is because things are advancing fast with the others, not because she did nudie modeling. Chris sucks back some tears and he puts Jade into her limo of sadness.

Next week: the first non-farm related date location!

February 15, 2015

The Bachelor: A Boring Week in Iowa

2/15/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 7 - Part 1

Because this season isn't dragging enough, this week The Bachelor is a two night event with two episodes AND a Chris Tells All Special, because we need to hear him drone on more. After endless snow shoveling in the blizzard, I feel like three hours of The Bachelor on a Sunday is even more draining. But I do it for you (so be a sweetie and click the banner ads on shop on Amazon via my link to help a girl make a dime here and there).

So here's the Chris Tells All lowdown. Kelsey gets special interview to tell her side, completely baffled that she's controversial and insists her panic attack was real. She suspects it'll be a "crucifixion" at the Women Tell All and I am glad she didn't preface it with literally because we know that can't happen on televsion. It's basically nothing interesting in the slightest. So then it's onto Chris Harrison interviewing Chris Soules, a Chris-a-Chris. He noticed Ashley S. was bonkers on the zombie date, and it turns out girl was so crazy she wandered around the entire property and would go into production offices. Why? She believed there was a large gambling ring betting on her. OOOOOK. As for drunk girls Tara and Jordan, he was willing to give second chances but as we know Jordan turned into a social disaster based on the girls. And while Jillian's short shorts were oh so appealing to Chris, her choices of date convos were the turnoff. The love guru date was awkward, Jimmy Kimmel was the best, Becca chased a donkey, and he felt terrible for the others girls when he ditched them for a concert with Britt.

But what everyone was tuning in for on the special was Andi Dorfman's first interview after the breakup of her and Josh. The breakup wasn't as out of the blue as it seemed, as the couple was struggling for awhile. Questions about their engagement and impending wedding was something eye-opening when they realized they weren't going anywhere. Despite being extremely in love at first, they didn't mutually didn't feel they were bettering each other. Just in tears the whole time, Andi admits she's just sad. Andi admits she'll always still love Josh because he was he first true love and true heartbreak. "Where do you go from here?" asks Chris Harrison, AKA do you see yourself back on this show finding love again. But instead it's mega sadness as Andi calls this, "the biggest failure of my life." Chris wonders if over time her and Josh could be friends again, maybe even date - Andi hopes so. Well that was super depressing.


Still in Deadwood and fresh off of dumping Kelsey and Ashley, Chris is onto yet another Rose Ceremony to crush one more. The girls are radiant in their joy of Chris' decision to dump two hot messes. The next dumping goes rather quickly as Megan and Chris both acknowledge their relationship isn't moving as fast as it needs to be on a show that requires a proposal after three months of dating. Chris takes a moment to mope on a stoop before heading back upstairs to wrap up the Rose Ceremony, because it's not over yet - DRAMA! But Chris Soules breaks the rules and doesn't want to dump another girl tonight so Rose Ceremony cancelled. And they're all heading to Iowa, the true test of love and Chris Soules tolerance.

Jade is the first person to receive a second 1-on-1 date and she gets to visit Chris' hometown in all its teeny glory. Chris gives her a tour of his home and farm, which gives Jade lots of time to think about whether she could return to quiet, small town life after escaping to a life in fast, glitzy LA. Chris shows of all the selling points like no bars, no restaurants, no real coffee shop, no job opportunites - what selling points! Jade is freaking out, plastering on a smile while internally wondering what the hell she got into. Later, Chris and Jade attend the big high school football game and she gets to meet his parents. Wandering the halls of his high school, Chris continues his role as tour guide and Jade tries to open up a little, explaining she rebelled a bit against her small town ways, then ending with some in-school smooching on some random teenager's locker. The crowds of the football game gives Jade a sense of community that makes her thing Arlington isn't the worst thing ever, but props that she admits to Chris that it's something she struggles with a little (but I'm still not sold she'd move there).

Whitney and Chris meet up at an art gallery in Des Moines, which Chris describes as "metropolitan" and I chuckle. Instead of looking at other talented people, the pair decide to go around the city and take their own photos, 95% of them kissing. At night, Chris and Whitney head out to a bar where she meets three of his best friends. The guys grill Whitney on if she's ready to be in love, the Iowa move, etc. and she nails all her answers. Whitney opens up about the passing of her mother and how her hometown date won't be like others. Her candidness is wonderful. The date ends with a surprise: their photo from earlier has been painted on the side of the bar, street art mural style. Do you think they got Banksy to do it? Ok maybe not.

After hearing about Jade's date, Carly suggests the girls rent a car and take an impromptu trip to Arlington to see Chris' hometown. Caitlyn and Britt are torn about seeing the town before Chris wants them to, but also Soules Rules: do whatever you want. Windows down, sunglasses on, and chanting, "Road trip! Arlington here we come!" The mood totally changes when they get into the ghost town that is Arlington. The girls are totally shocked at everything being closed, including the church (but said church has the same photo of Jesus that Carly's grandparents have, so it's a sign). The local pastor tells the girls that if they want to have fun they leave Arlington. So earlier in the day, Britt told the other girls she couldn't live in Arlington, but back at the hotel she claims once she saw a sunset she was sold and knew she'd be on a nice farm and not in the sad downtown. All the girls are baffled by her sudden change of heart, and hardly buy into it.

Despite her wonderful date with Chris, Jade is feeling uneasy about where she stands. That's because she's harboring a secret, which she confides in Carly: a few years ago Jade posed for Playboy. Jade knows this could be a dealbreaker, especially when Chris' family eventually finds out.

Britt, Kaitlyn, and Carly head to the Wells Fargo Arena and meet Chris smack dab in the center of the arena... on ice. Chris has skated once in his life before, so it lends to a lot of falling and the girls chasing after him like, "Oh no!" Britt yet again drags Chris as far away from the date as possible for her alone time, talking to him on a bridge and admitting the girls roadtripped to Arlington. Britt tells Chris at first she thought it was so small, but once she saw the sunset over the cornfields she fell in love with the town. Chris is elated, while Carly is inside fuming over this blatant lie. Carly uses her alone time to call out Britt's actual reaction after Arlington, warning him to be careful since she cares for him. 

Worried that Britt is playing him for a fool, Chris pulls her aside again at the night cocktail portion of the date to get the real truth. Britt claims she likes reinventing herself and moving new places, denying she ever said "no way." Britt says she's not choosing the town, but the lifestyle, and wants to be a mom (this puts a big smile on Chris' face). As you'll recall Kaitlyn is on this date too and frustrated at the lack of time. Chris reassures her she killed it in the early weeks, so be confident. To make her feel better, he gives Kaitlyn the date rose which guarantees her a hometown date. When Chris reveals this news, Britt is confused and hurt that after her bold declarations he didn't select her. She's pissed and slowly begins to unravel. She's talking herself into a corner, making Kaitlyn feel like crap in the process. Britt's questioning whether she even wants Chris to come meet her family. It's all me, me, me for Britt. The girls revel in her misery.

February 9, 2015

The Bachelor: Helicopters (and Heartbreak) in the Badlands

2/09/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 6

So picking up from last week, Kelsey's laying on the floor having a panic attack. It's crying, gasping, and crew members requesting her answer questions and call an ambulance. The other girls don't bat an eye, sitting there emotionless and waiting for this drama to end. With a mask on for air, she has one request, "Can I talk to Chris?" then giggles that she'll definitely get a rose now. With a chat with Chris and a little kiss, Kelsey is back full of energy and ready to move along. It seems Kelsey's master plan worked and this is her day. The Rose Ceremony finally happens after all the nonsense, Kelsey gets her rose and Samantha (who?) and extraterrestrial believer Mackenzie are eliminated. Every single girl there is pissed, sure that Kelsey would've gone home if it weren't for her cocktail party shenanigans.

The group departs Sante Fe and arrives in Deadwood, South Dakota where Chris goes to one of those old timey photo booths to pose nude in a barrel tub.

Becca receives the first date and Kelsey gets all pissy again. Oh don't worry, your date is coming my love. Chris takes Becca out into the wilderness for horseback riding and then talking and cuddling by a campfire. Good news: they both want to be married with lots of kids. Becca really wants a kiss but she's a virgin and shy about kissing on TV. First, you signed up for a television show, second it's a whole different thing. Becca gets the date rose, they kiss. Snooze.

Back at the house, everyone hates Kelsey. They think she's a phony and Whitney calls her on it, from her laughing after her panic attack and using that moment to get more alone time with Chris. Kelsey cries about the emotional impact of sharing the story of a dead spouse. Carly has to inform Kelsey that people think she's a beyotch that makes rude comments. Kelsey thinks people don't understand her because she's "blessed with eloquence" and doesn't plan to lose sight of the ultimate dream: to win!

The group date girls head to a saloon and practice their songwriting skills. But Chris is no judge of music, he's a corn man! Musicians Big and Rich help the girls dig deep into their souls to bring their sweet Chris feelings into musical magic. Jade hits an early writer's block so Big (thanks @TPorter2!) makes her run down the street shouting to get inspired. To get the performances started, Chris has a good sense of humor and performances his terribly written song. It's like a possum dying while being accompanied by a banjo. The girls aren't as bad as I expected, and I'm totally enchanted by Kaitlyn's foul mouthed rap. Carly is the best but one would hope so since she's a cruise ship singer. 

But the whole date has a weird aura around it since Britt/Chris are all touchy-feeley despite the other girls being there. Chris knows their chemistry is undeniable, so much so that they just peace out of the night cocktail portion of the date to go to the Big and Rich concert. After dancing and kissing in the crowd, Chris gives the date rose to Britt on stage in front of the whole crowd and sing to "Save a Horse, Ride a Farmboy." GET IT?? This after Jade and Kaitlyn really put their hearts on their sleeves to say they're falling for Chris and worried about where they stand. So when Chris and Britt return and she's got a rose tucked in her cleavage, the girls are not pleased. Even Chris can read the room and gets out as fast as he can. Instead of fuming at Chris, the get mad at Britt since they feel humiliated. It's always fun when dates end in everyone sobbing. Chris is such a catch!

Not only is the final date a 2-on-1 Thunderdome date, but it's pretty much a Sophie's Choice date of which awful girl to keep on the show: Ashley or Kelsey. Making this even more awesome, this date is a helicopter ride (!!) over Mount Rushmore, landing in the Badlands. A single rose lay on a tray in the middle of the arid landscape. Ashley uses her alone time by going right in for a sloppy kiss, then talking about how the whole house thinks Kelsey is fake. Kelsey talks about how she's been a wife before, so the question is could she be Chris' wife. Chris wants his wife to be likable, so he brings up Ashley saying she's fake and she's taken aback, hoping he won't figure girl talk into his decision. "She's a Kardashian who didn't get to go on a princess date," Kelsey says, calling Ashley desperate. Tensions are high as Kelsey confronts Ashley, who blows her off and walks away and grabs Chris. She's pissed that Chris spilled the beans on their private conversation, which he explains he needed to bring up to get answers from Kelsey. Probably because she's annoying and immature, but using the reasoning of the lifestyle she needs, Chris dumps Ashley and she ugly cries like whoa. Kelsey gets teary as she confronts Chris after dumping Ashley, but it's not smooth sailing: Kelsey's a goner too. The girls are sad when they grab Ashley's suitecase, and cheer upon Kelsey's being taken. Double dumping, oh man do I love the drama a 2-on-1 date brings!

Next week: FIVE, yes five, hours of this show.

February 2, 2015

The Bachelor: Everyone's Cray in Santa Fe

2/02/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
The Bachelor - Week 5

The month's rent on the mansion is up, which means it's time to begin travelling the world. Except Chris is a good ol' country boy so instead of the world we're heading to fabulous Santa Fe, New Mexico. If you're wondering if the girls know the difference between New Mexico and the country Mexico, don't think too hard: they don't. But they get to live the high live in a casino resort whose suite actually has a corn wall sculpture. Please stop.

Carly's date card says, "Let's come together" and given the steamy preview we all giggle at the possibility of the misspelling that date card could've had. Chris and Carly meet with a love and intimacy mentor to meditate and bring out their intimacy eventhough I feel like Chris doesn't know know Carly's last name at this point, let alone what it needed to reach a point of intimacy with her. It's a lot of new age weirdness and the only thing missing is a Pure Moods CD and maybe some peyote. The date is beyond uncomfortable, especially with Carly who really isn't digging the idea of undressing a guy on a first date. This doesn't stop them from straddling each other and heavy breathing to another level of uncomfortable for viewers. It culminates in a kiss, and maybe other things we can joke about. Later they have dinner and talk about how that date was beyond bizarre but they got through it together. Since Carly's last boyfriend refused to touch her, she's not used to the physical side of a relationship hence why this date was hard for her. Girl, it'd be hard for everyone. The two have some really deep talks and seem to bond a lot; Carly gets the rose.

The group date brings all the girls to the Rio Grande River for a quick lecture to not die before getting into the boats for some white water rafting. Jade falls into the water which isn't as funny as it should be since she has a condition that causes her to quickly get hypothermia. The outdoor adventure ends quickly before leading to a hotel rooftop cocktail party... with a twist! Drunk Jordan from week two drove all the way from Colorado for a second chance. Chris flat out tells her that he didn't really get to know her and she seemed more interested in her Pinot Grigio. But Chris is a sucker and she's allowed back into the competition, hopefully with the stipulation that she has to have to wear a wristband at all time that denies her access to the bar. Chris assumes the girls will just accept it, but instead they all use their alone time to tell Chris they don't like this choice to bring Jordan back. Once the girls complain enough, Chris backs down and dismisses Jordan a second time. Chris apologizes to the girls, then gives the date rose to Whitney. The Jordan debacle and the rose sends Ashley I. on yet another tirade of how Whitney is fake, Ashley is wonderful, blah blah. Oh Ashley, please calm down.

Britt's date card hints at flying which sends her into tears because she's afraid of heights. The other girls think she's afraid of bathing since she apparently hasn't showered in two weeks (lots of fodder for the other girls). But Chris makes everything in the world OK, waking her up in the wee hours of the morning where she's perfectly made up because you gotta look pretty at all times on reality TV. The couple take a sunrise hot air balloon over the beautiful New Mexico landscape. And as they makeout high in the sky I remember that there's a balloon operator with them who is probably reeeeeally uncomfortable right now. As Britt is all fluttery and telling Chris about how she wants lots of kids, etc., the other girls are gossiping about how she told the others she's not in a rush to get married and isn't even sure she wants kids. RIGHT REASONS?!

So it's been awhile since the show covered this, but Kelsey is a widower and she hasn't even really told Chris about it. What this also means is Kelsey is used to be the one and not 1/30, which is why she throws a real 'tude getting another group date. The last straw is Britt returning from her date and claiming the pair "took a nap." Kelsey sees that she's not advancing and needs to make a move, so she heads up to his hotel room for a surprise visit. Kelsey's visit is to tell Chris all about her prior love story with the husband that passed away. But the edit is far more sinister in that Kelsey might be using her tragedy to get closer to Chris, which definitely works since her and Chris kiss afterwards. Kelsey tells us that while this show is Chris' story, it's also hers and we're all following her amazing story of moving on and finding love again. Yikes.

Everyone walks in their overly high heels to a different location for the Rose Ceremony, and everyone is really cranky this week. I'd blame jetlag but it's just LA to Santa Fe which is nothing. But the girls notice that Kelsey is oddly confident considering all the tension in the room. Chris enters the room for his pre-Rose Ceremony speech which includes more apologies for that Jordan debacle and the deep thinking he endured after talking to Kelsey. Chris is so taken aback that he needs to go aside and take a break, I guess overwhelmed from a day of deep thinking. Kelsey comes clean to the girls that she went to see Chris earlier and share her story "uninterrupted" while also stressing the importance of time. Chris Harrison delivers the bummer news that there's no cocktail party, which I thought was a given but whatever, so it's onto the Rose Ceremony. The girls will have to trust that Chris likes them enough without pleading their case like a jury. Kelsey is super nervous that her talk with Chris earlier made him cancel the cocktail party and isn't sure what's going to happen. And then cut to Kelsey laying on the floor having a panic attack. What is going on? TO BE CONTINUED.