August 31, 2015

Bachelor In Paradise: A Quickie Marriage in Mexico

8/31/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 5 - Part 2

Juelia is stung by a jellyfish and bonds with Tenley in a special way as Tenley peeds on the sting to make the pain stop. This is your weekly Juelia update.

As you may recall Chelsie is the latest newcomer to Paradise and Carly planted the early seeds for Samantha's demise, hoping to setup Chelsie and Dan. Instead Chelsie picks Nick. Nick lets a hungover Ashley S. down oh-so-gently by saying she smells like a brewery. Romance! Chelsie and Nick relax and booze on a yacht, living that baller life. There's only one thing missing on that date and it's any sort of spark. Instead Nick talks about Samantha, and what a coincidence Dan is hung up on Samantha too.

Mackenzie arrives in Paradise and you might remember her as an alien loving single mom with a kid named Kale. Her friend Ashley I. first subtly stakes her claim with Jared, then suggests Mackenzie ask out Justin. Both are single parents, which actually gives them an immediate bond so she invites him on their date. Amber is bummed to see a guy she had interest in dating someone else, but I could've sworn she thought they should just be friends? Mackenzie and Justin trek down a path and encounter a Mexican shaman who speaks no English, makes them strip to their skivvies and perform a bunch of rituals like rubbing mud, washing each other, and roping each other. The rituals end with a "beso" and they're married! It's like that episode of Full House when everyone walks around the table three times and oops, everyone's married.  Anyways, they come back and Mackenzie tells everyone how her and Justin are married and he just hopes she'll get a clue. In his head, Justin is pondering how easy it is to get a Mexican divorce ritual performed.

The hellion music blares as Jaclyn Schwartz arrives in Paradise ready to steal boyfriends and bring drama to Paradise. Her date card sights are set on Jared, Justin, or Dan, and she has no qualms about crushing anyone else's romantic dreams. Jaclyn tells it like it is, calling this season of Bachelor in Paradise "Kaitlyn's Rejects" which is SO accurate. Jaclyn and Jared talk and hit it off a bit since both are New Englanders. Ashley I. is internally freaking out and decides to pull out the wildest of cards: a Fantasy Suite date card. She asks Chris Harrison to end up on a date that would inevitably lead to a Fantasy Suite. Now on most dates, no big deal, but Ashley is a virgin. Basically, this is straight out of the movie Little Darlings and it depresses me. It's this totally misguided notion that is beyond depressing to me. The thing is, Jared does like Ashley but he's nursing a major Kaitlyn heartbreak hence his hesitance to jump into something crazy serious. Just as Jaclyn poses the question to Jared about accepting a date, Ashley I. runs up all giddy with excitement to ask Jared on her date and he accepts. All the guys are like bro'ing out at the idea of Jared taking Ashley's virginity and ugh. Gross. This got cringey, real fast.

August 30, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise: Fifth Time's a Charm

8/30/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 5 - Part 1

Samantha declines Justin's date invite after a talk with Joe, so Justin ends up asking Amber. Amber decides to go on the date because while she came to Paradise for Dan, he's a slow mover and hopes this makes him jealous. A walk on the beach leads to a whole salsa party happening so they join in on the dancing fun, with Justin getting shirtless to reveal his horrendous, splotchy sunburn. Does no one believe in skincare in Paradise? Sunscreen be damned, the couple start making out and now Amber is conflicted. After a post-date conversation, Dan admits he's not super into Amber like she is into him and doesn't want to lead her on. So now she's more torn and upset and wishes she didn't go on that makeout dancing date. But Dan does have an interest in one woman there... SAMANTHA. Jeez, she's cast a spell on these dudes.

Chris Bukowski arrives in Paradise because I don't think these shows can legally exist without him. Chris Harrison jests. Chris Bukowski arrives with a date card in hand but is more interested in getting acquainted with the open bar. Well who wouldn't with Jorge behind the bar? The group is laughing at Chris' drunk antics, like nearly falling into a bonfire. Once Chris takes a pause from his drink, he asks Tenley out on his date and she totally friend zones him, and it's very awkward since Chris barely understands until she's short with him. Since Chris has no other prospects he'd like to date in Paradise, Joshua asks to take the date card instead. So ultimately Chris' date card is used for a date with Tenley, just not with him. They receive a food tour of Guadalajara from a chef, have a private meal prepared by the chef, and take a horse-drawn carriage ride. I saw not a single glass of booze this entire date, so Chris made the right call passing on this date card and keeping the open bar close.

The cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony is a fair amount of campaigning for the non-official couples. Ashley hands Jared an extremely long note to tell him her feelings, asking him to read and process which he does so aloud for the camera. But Jared remains a hot commodity, with Amber asking if he'd accept a rose from her. That dude is miserable on this show, completely lovesick for Kaitlyn still. Amber and Justin agreed to be friends, so she wanted to pursue other options she likes romantically and tells Ashley I. about her possible interest and SURPRISE, Ashley is upset. Dan is also upset that Samantha likes Joe more than him, so tries to change her mind. Dan  believes Joe is still a villain and expresses that concern to Samantha, which is partially a strategy since Dan wants Samantha to choose him instead. Then Joe pulls a dominant move by interrupting the conversation to kiss Samantha in the trees, then let her return to Dan. Maybe Dan's peeing on the hydrant metaphor wasn't too far off.

The Rose Ceremony begins with obvious roses: Carly to Kirk, Jade to Tanner, Tenley to Joshua, and Juelia to Mikey. I guess Ashley S. to Nick is an obvious rose as well, but since she drunk blabbed about them being like siblings I wasn't so sure. Ashley I. is called before Amber, so she gets the honor of giving a rose to Jared. With her first choice taken, Amber gives her choice to her new friend-only Justin so he can stay in Paradise and maybe find someone else. The final rose of the night will be handed out by Samantha, who has likely texted all the guys left standing at some point or another. Samantha reminds everyone she hates being embroiled in the drama and gives her rose to Dan, shocking everyone.

Joe is shocked by his elimination, which she reiterates is because of all the drama their relationship created. Samantha is being called the preying mantis of paradise, using her prey to get further. Joe is annoyed that Samantha still denies being part of their pre-show texting, with her insisting she came for 4-5 people and not just Joe. He wants to show everyone his phone to prove he's not a liar. Samantha insists she came for lot and didn't plot, so in his elimination van Joe shows his text messages which do in fact tell him to do whatever it takes and not to get "wifed up." The proof is in the iMessage! Dan says the whole group is happy Samantha is there, but their faces say otherwise. Everyone agrees Joe is guilty but that Samantha likely puppet-mastered a bigger plan. Ashley S. asks how many people Samantha texted before this show, then babbles about Samantha's beauty, because she is the voice of the audience, the Shakespearean chorus if you will. Dense Dan thinks him and Samantha have post-Paradise potential, the biggest laugh of the night. 

But there's someone new in Paradise: Chelsea from Juan Pablo's season. Don't worry, I don't remember her either. Carly gives Chelsea the lowdown of who is available and taken, which is encouraging her to ask out Dan. Operation Eliminate Samantha begins.

Speaking of not remembering someone, it seems Chris Bukowski disappeared into the abyss. Or fell asleep under the bar. Good night, sweet prince.

What happened next? Continue reading my part 2 recap.

Big Brother 17: Swipe Right on Zingbot 9000

8/30/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 9

The "Ready, Set, Whoa" Head of Household competition continues from last week after Meg was easily eliminated first. Half the house is trying hard to win so that they can finally eliminate Vanessa, but we know good things never happen. Despite his earlier considerations to throw the competition to let someone else do the dirty work, Austin wins and becomes the HOH. Ughhhhh. Now we get another week of Austin and Liz's creepy HOH bed makeouts (and more, but ew that's just for live feeds).

Austin's big decision of the week is whether to be himself or his evil alter-ego Judas and betray someone. I think we all know what situation will likely happen but let's continue the recap like something interesting will play out, shall we? Austin has deals with everyone in the house which means an overabundance of horrible alliance names. Everyone thinks they're good with Austin, which makes this entertaining since he'll be screwing someone over. Austin would prefer to keep James and Meg in the house because they're a duo to target but also fun in the house. This leaves John, Steve, and Vanessa as his only nomination options, but all three think Austin has their back. To cover herself, Vanessa throws John and Steve under the bus by outing their final two deal. All it means to Austin is Vanessa holds onto secrets, which is only more apparent when she denies making James throw the Battle of the Block to try to backdoor Austin weeks ago, then has to come clean later after tons of times caught lying.

Steve is very hesitant to be the pawn since pawns go home. Steve will agree to be the pawn, but not besides Johnny Mac because he believes this means Austin doesn't value the five person alliance with the two of them and would rather align with James and Meg. Vanessa uses Steve's hesitance to her advantage, pointing out this means Steve values John most and he'd betray Vanessa. Austin picks his side and chooses what he thinks is the easiest of Johnny Mac and Steve, leaving Vanessa open as a backdoor candidate. This of course happens after a nonsensical nomination speech, and if this is Austin's wrestling character my god he'll never return to the ring. Seriously Austin, WTF was that speech?

Steve is totally impressed that Vanessa wiggled out of nomination again, as we all are because WHAT THE HECK. Vanessa cries tears of thank youbecause all she does is get overemotional or talk game. Austin is still wary of fully trusting Vanessa, but the twins want to split up Johnny Mac and Steve. 

The show decides to bring something interesting into the house: Zingbot 9000, who is allegedly an upgrade to the 3000 model but hardly an upgrade in the jokes. His zings weren't so awesome, with many feeling like recycled zings from season's past. High points were zings on Julia ("Lizzzzzzz, I'm confused. Suddenly you're less attractive, less intelligent, and less charming. Oh wait, that's just Julia.") and John ("Five out of five dentists agree, the only thing less attractive than your laugh is your backhair. Liz is shamed about fooling around with Austin for having a girlfriend, yet his zing is about his smelling (again) instead of him being the cheater. But maybe Zingbot sympathizes with Austin's goal to "get some," as apparently Zingbot's wife has left him and now he spends his nights trolling the dating app "Zinder." No one seems concerned that Baby Zingbot will now grow up fatherless in a cruel, robot world. The Power of Veto competition has the houseguests swiping through "Zinder" to identify the houseguest face mash-ups of Fembots he wants to bang. Vanessa ends up winning the veto and feels "super blessed" but she didn't say "#blessed" because she sucks.

Confident in her place now that she's safe, Vanessa starts prowling the house, wheelin' and dealin' to make sure she's security. Vanessa suggests to Austin that she use the veto and eliminated Meg or James, which gets nixed quickly. John realizes he has no other options but Vanessa, so he might be stuck working with her if he stays. He even outs his five person alliance with the Austwins and Steve to get ahead. Vanessa confronts Liz about this alliance, so Liz puts all the blame on Steve. Vanessa is hurt by the actions or her friend and ally, so she confronts Steve and gets pretty pissed. Ultimately, Vanessa doesn't use the veto which means either Steve or Johnny Mac will be eliminated.

And which one will be eliminated? Who the hell knows. Vanessa is seething about Steve, while Austin and the twins are annoyed Johnny Mac outed the five person alliance. Liz confronts John about him outing the deal and he reminds her that the deal was kind of broken when the alliance nominated two members, plus he knows they like Steve more than him. Basically John needs to hustle for votes to stay either from the twins or James/Meg, with Vanessa as his swing, so he makes lots of promises to get by through. The Vanessa show continues as she addresses her beef with Steve, who can't formulate any articulate sentences to defend himself.

Despite the editing to make it seem like he had a chance, Johnny Mac is unanimously evicted from the Big Brother house. Julie is quickly alarmed by the loudness of John's laugh in person, but checks herself to get her interview skills on. He admits he got played by Austin and the twins, and losing comps didn't help him make any steps further. John explains he would've had to work with Vanessa had he stayed since there are so many other tight alliances he couldn't break. The goodbye videos are all lies wishing they could've worked together sooner, all a bunch of butt kissing for jury votes. Johnny Mac's target should he return: Meg. God Johnny Mac, sometimes you are so tone deaf in terms of strategy.

The jury members have a segment watching the week play out before returning to the Big Brother house to compete for a chance to re-enter the game. After lots of screaming and hugs, everyone heads into the backyard for dual competitions. All the houseguests and jurors hold and hang on ropes as they get slapped by a big foam hand that makes them spin. The last juror standing will get to return to the game, while the last remaining hanger will become HOH (be it a houseguest or juror). The shows ends in a To Be Continued AKA time to watch live feeds.

August 24, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise: Wrestling with Love

8/24/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 4 - Part 2

Freshly returned Mikey receives a date card so he takes Juelia along since y'know, she's the reason he's back. They board a private plan for their overnight date and get right to action kissing in the teeny plan. Expecting something romantic, they're instead surprised to see they've got front row seats to Mexican luchador wrestling. After Mikey's eyes widen like a child on Christmas day, the couple get a chance to play around in the ring, talk, and then get the Fantasy Suite offer. Juelia and Mike decide to share the suite together because they always do. Juelia is excited because she hasn't had a connection like this in awhile, completely forgetting her over-confidence in Joe less than a week ago.

If you're tired of the Samantha and Joe drama, guess what? IT NEVER ENDS. Joe has come clean, but Samantha is letting Joe take all the heat and getting away with it all. Joe has text message proof, as does Nick since gossip is travelling about Sam's pre-show texting with Nick too. Joe confronts Samantha about their texting, their scheme ("Do whatever it takes to get a rose"), and that maybe she was coming to Paradise for Nick all along. It's circle talk for the umpteenth time and jeez, just move the story along already.

Ashley I. and Joe commiserate as a new formed Lonely Hearts Club, wallowing in their sadness and giving each other awful advice. Once Ashley gets the crying out of her system, Jorge helps her remember that this week she has the power. With a little more optimism, Ashley gives Joe advice to try to re-introduce himself to Samantha to start over their relationship fresh. Samantha totally blows him off. Another strike out for Joe. Joe's buddy Justin arrives in Paradise and, whaddayaknow, he came here for Samantha. Despite Joe's pleas to not ask out Samantha, Justin follows his own heart and asks her out on his date. Let me guess, she texted Justin before too. Joe is pissed and Samantha tries to smooth it over and claim she hates drama, eventhough she's the center of it all. Oh Joe, now heartbroken and made the show's villain. Bad blood, yo.

Need more? Read my recap of part 1 here.

August 23, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise: The Magical Love Powers of Tequila

8/23/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , 1 comment
Week 4 - Part 1

Picking up where last week's drama left off, Joe seeks counsel with Paradise's greatest therapist, Jorge the Bartender, to vent about his situation and Samantha not accepting any responsibility. Joe finally admits to the group that he reached out the Samantha before, but Samantha denies all the allegations and won't cop to being a crappy friend to Juelia. Many wonder if Juelia will get a sympathy rose and she doesn't want that at all, but everyone is obsessed with Juelia staying and getting another chance. While people pitch JJ to give his rose to her, Juelia hustles on her own behalf and approaches Chris Harrison with an idea: bring back Mikey for her. Listen I want Juelia to be happy, but at the same time this is basically a game show and she made the wrong move. Couldn't she go home and date Mikey? 

It takes over thirty minutes of an episode to finally get to the Rose Ceremony that should've happened last week. JJ shocks everyone when get gives his rose not to Megan or Juelia, but Ashley S who deserves to find love. Bigger shocker: JJ dumped someone back home to be on this show and decides to leave to be with her. Well isn't this convenient so Mikey could return and fill that empty men's slot! JJ leaves the hero of Paradise, redeemed from his douchiness of Kaitlyn's season. Now Dan gets the burden of choosing to save Juelia and give her another shot. But Dan follows his heart because this is about him finding love, not some other chick. Dan gives his rose to Amber, which leaves Megan, Clare, and Juelia rose-less and heading home. But, SURPRISE, when Juelia leaves she is greeted by Mikey who arrives just in time to save her. Everyone rejoices at Juelia overcoming deception and the rules of Paradise... except Joe who knows he's officially the villain of the show.

Tanner and Jade get their first legitimate date after being pretty much Paradise official since day one. They fly, then drive to Tequila, Mexico for a date at a distillery smashing the bejesus out of agave plants and tasting tequila. Tanner and Jade find a date card inside their snuggle blanket which gives them a hotel key for some alone time, which of course they accept because they're totally smitten. In the hotel, Tanner wants to be more than Paradise official but legit boyfriend/girlfriend official, like date after being on a three week paid vacation. But Tanner fears life could lead them in different paths, but both admit they're falling for each other and this is real. Bring on the lovefest.

Joe raves about how much he wants to be with Samantha and she agrees Joe's the guy for her. But then Nick, who is famously the schmuck with $250,000 from Bachelor Pad 3, arrives and wants to date Samantha. Why Samantha? Because they talked and texted before the show. I'm sensing a pattern here and I hope that girl has a good data plan on her phone. Samantha declines Nick's date offer, focusing on Joe instead. Per advice from Mikey (and getting the lowdown on the Samanthan drama), Nick asks Ashley S out on the date instead. The private island is closed due to weather, which leads to a Spanish language barrier/gigglefest between Ashley and Nick. Their date switches to pounding tequila, getting massages, and a crow telling Ashley to enjoy the fruits of paradise. A drunk day leads to a drunker night and they kiss in a hot tub a little before drunk Ashley gets weird and nonsensical.

Jared finally has "the talk" with Ashley I who is obsessed with him and he's not that into her. Unlike Joe, Jared isn't faking it to get a rose and wants to be real, suggesting that Ashley should accept other dates so she doesn't miss out. Basically, Jared is still in love with Kaitlyn and not ready for a relationship. The waterworks move into ugly cries, which Ashley is famous for, so she calls her pal Kaitlyn to get the details on what the hell happened. Another relationship goes down the drain, as Samantha ends things with Joe on his birthday. She doesn't want the drama or to be associated with the villain, and he's crushed since he was super into her. But Joe isn't taking this breakup smoothly and plans to out Samantha for being a liar. He has the text messages to prove it. If Samantha thought the drama was over, it's just begun.

August 22, 2015

Big Brother 17: This Week Was Smooth As Buttahhhh

8/22/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 8

The house is on high alert after the Double Eviction, wonder what the hell inspired Steve to nominate Jackie. Steve knows he screwed up by showing up his hand and which side he is really on, since he's been riding the middle for weeks now. He fake cries for sympathy but he gets none from me because his acting is horrible. Meg is completely distraught that she was nominated without any indication and that he eliminated Jackie from the game. Johnny Mac apologizes to Meg for not using the veto, but he worried what would've happened. The house is 100% divided now with Steve as the swing, so even the people betrayed by him need his vote. When in doubt, blame everything on Vanessa and you'll get away with it.

A new Head of Household has to be named since Steve's reign was short-lived. "Mixed Emojis" is a series of head-to-head matches to identify certain emojis in grids. Can we discuss how sad and creepy this emojis are? This isn't classy iPhone emojis but ones that show up on creepy greeting card sites. The final round comes down to John and Liz, a battle between the two sides. Liz wins HOH and the only person more excited than her twin is Austin, who is probably already dreaming of snuggling in the HOH bed. There's barely any time to celebrate before Vanessa gets down to gaming and suggesting Becky be the target. A new alliance of four is formed, calling themselves Austin's Angels because GROSS. This alliance is then spin-off into a final 5 with Steve called "The Scamper Squad" which is a horrendous name for a horrendous group.

If only Becky's backdoor plan didn't backfire last week. Now Becky is well aware she's completely screwed with the other side in power. To save herself, Becky tries to remind the Austwins that Vanessa can't be trusted, confirming that there was a plan to throw the Battle of the Block weeks ago to backdoor Austin. Johnny Mac is worried about his status in the house and for some reason talks to Vanessa, eventhough he knows she's a master manipulator and lie denier. However, John tells Vanessa she sort of bullies her opinions into people which upsets her. Vanessa hoped to make an alliance with him (um, you make alliances with everyone), but he has no cares to work with her. Vanessa runs upstairs to blab and make John the target, and her alliance sees through it but also it's a logical choice. John and Becky are nominated for eviction since Liz perceives they could be threats to the twins game.

Johnny Mac makes crazy eyes after his nomination, which enrages the Austwins. Vanessa tries to tell John she has his back and Steve suggests to John that he try to trust Vanessa, all of which are eyeroll worthy moments. John has one self-declared sworn enemy and it's Vanessa. Austin and Liz bring John into the HOH room to make sense of Vanessa ratting him out earlier, and John explains that she was playing both sides and he is her only target if he stays. John's hoping to find some sort of alliance to save him, willing to throw the veto competition to Austin if it'll save him. Becky, however, knows she is doomed. Unless of course all this anti-Vanessa information mattered and her alliance made a huge move. But they won't.

Becky, John, Liz, Austin, Meg, Steve compete is this year's Otev veto competition. This year Otev has evolved into the Rockin' Roll, complete with weird hair, a leopard print headband, and sunglasses. The houseguests have to listen to Otev's rock song and find the correct "buttahhhhhh"labeled with the houseguest's name. The backyard itself is really impressive for Otev, with huge fake food to dig into like pies and a giant pizza. Basically, not the Otev to watch when you're trying to eat diet. Biggest oh crap moment: Meg tries to run up the ramp, slips, and slams her head real good. Daaaamn! In the end, Austin throws the veto to Liz who was mostly motivated to win only to get kissed by Liz which is so gross. Liz holds all the power in the house this week and can really do anything this week, so expect nothing to happen.

Vanessa quickly hustles up to the HOH room to make sure Liz doesn't decide to use all that power to backdoor her, which Liz sees through. It's not a week of Big Brother if Vanessa isn't running around paranoid and crying about being lonely. Austin eventually gets the makeout he so dreams of, leaving a hickey on Liz's neck, and grossing everyone out. Tired of Vanessa's behavior, the Austwins worry she might turn on them. But of course it's all talk and no action. Liz leave nominations the same so either Becky or John will be evicted from the Big Brother house.

The live eviction episode of the biggest time filler ever since nothing happened during the week. Like the show chose to use segment to focus on James' fake engagement to Meg and pranks, a Zingbot joke montage, and give Steve of all people a hometown visit. I SHOULD make sure to say, I love James' pranks and he makes the live feeds very entertaining. Also, a peek into Shelli and Jackie meeting up in the jury house to recap their evictions and Vanessa hate. Anyways, in house stuff, Vanessa wasn't backdoored since she'll be everyone else's target next week. Becky was fully aware that she'd be sent packing come Thursday being a strong competitor and disliked by Austin and Vanessa, but she tries to campaign even if it's futile. With Becky on her way out, Johnny Mac has only one ally left in Steve and the agree to align with Austin and the twins, which is the perfect melding of Steve's multiple alliances so now his butt is covered.

At the live eviction, Becky clearly knows she's heading out since she's the only one not in athletic gear. She's unanimously evicted in a 6-0 vote, but who knows maybe she'll return and my pre-show winner prediction won't be yet another fail. Becky isn't surprised to go out she she only had two allies, one was already evicted and the other was nominated against her. Becky admits her failure was having her sights so set on Vanessa last week week but the others she was kinda-aligned with had the same feelings about Shelli. But even the Chenbot is impressed that Becky dared to give Vanessa the ol' F-U last week, even if it might've killed her game. Becky thinks Vanessa is logically the best in the house since she sees big picture moves, but thinks a few sleepers could come up and show off their game. If Becky returns, her target has moved from Vanessa to Liz, the quiet destroyer of games.

The show end with a to be continued HOH competition, which is part physical, part endurance. The houseguests compete in a track meet, eliminating one houseguest each race. The endurance part of the race is having to stay in the starting race position while holding down three buttons, which means if a person slips and lets go they're out. They have to stay in that position until they get a "Go" screen on the TV, and the last to buzz in at the race is eliminated. The races could happen at any time, and to mess with their heads there are decoy words that rhyme with "Go" which I wish was "Ho" but doubtful. Not surprise, after a rotation of rhyme words, Meg is the first eliminated and the rest will play out on the live feeds. But this week is like half a moot point since one juror will have a chance to return to the game next week.

August 17, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise: Love is For the Birds

8/17/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3 - Part 2

Juelia tries to tell her story and warn Samantha about Joe, but Samantha stops the conversation and wants Joe present to tell his side. Samantha doesn't care because Joe is there for her, no one else. The question is, did Joe and Samantha create a diabolical plan to hookup in Paradise? Tanner has a screencap from Joe that confirms it, despite Joe's denials. It's from Samantha's own mouth the pre-show talks are pretty much confirmed when she tells Joe the version of the story she told producers, which he needs to corroborate since it's all a bunch of lies. I'm sorry but this is Paradise not Serial or Dateline

Ashley is so excited when her favorite person Amber arrives in Paradise, but it gets awkward quick when Amber asks Dan out on her date card date. Trying to be a gentleman, Dan asks Ashley for her blessing to move along and makeout with other people and she wishes he manned up earlier. Ashley's anger at Dan begins to build since he never gave a straight up answer of why his feelings changed, leading her to cry to Juelia which I'm surprised doesn't start a chain reaction of ugly cries. Needing a pick-me-up, the kooky side of Ashley S returns with a visit to the bird cage and letting a crab climb all over her. Listen, she's basically Dr. Dolittle with a lot more pina coladas in her.

Putting the drama aside, there's still some dates to be had in Paradise. Rain doesn't ruin Megan and JJ's date, a day on a boat and jet skiing through caves and waves and seeing dolphins. JJ loves Megan's eyes, boobs, and personality. Dan and Amber walk the streets of Puerto Vallarta and are cheered on by a crowd to kiss, so they comply. They eventually share drinks on a romantic terrace, where Amber admits she's had a crush on Dan for awhile and Dan explains his previous Ashley S relationship. The date goes well and they spend a lot of time just making out.

When I notice there's ten minutes of an episode left and no one's dressed for a Rose Ceremony I realize this week is ANOTHER to be continued. Two weeks in a row a three hour episode doesn't finish stories because they spend segments devoted to raccoons and crabs. When JJ returns from his date and gets the 4-1-1, he's livid that Joe would be such a scumbag to Juelia and waste her chances at finding love. Joe explains he never MET Samantha before, but did talk to her, insisting he didn't know Samantha was coming to Paradise. Yeah nice try, Joe. Suddenly JJ stands up and is serving some real crazy eyes to Joe, and throws out an "OR WHAT?" at Joe's quips. Is there a fight coming? Who knows because it's to be continued... again!

Like what you read? Click to read Part 1's recap.

August 16, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise: Players Gonna Play

8/16/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3 - Part 1

I'd say another day in Paradise begins, but it's not another day since last week ended in a cliffhanger. A three hour episode and they still had to have a cliffhangers. Roses were handed out (how did I miss that Tenley picked Joshua?!), but dramatic Clare had to go to the side to let her emotions out and everyone rolled their eyes. Chris Harrison talks her down, which Ashley I. smartly points out is probably because he got paid. When Clare finally returns to the Rose Ceremony, she gives her rose to JJ. The final rose of the night is Juelia's, which she gives to manipulative Joe - bleckh. It's the end of the road for Mikey, Jonathan, and Michael, who I think got maybe under 48 hours in Mexico. Good news is he doesn't have to use up all his vacation days.

Maybe one of these guys should check up on Clare's house, because apparently a raccoon took it over, threw a rager, and is chewing on an iPhone.

Joe's horrible manipulations are rewarded when Samantha arrives in Paradise and picks Joe for her date card. Here's where it gets juicier: Joe and Samantha were in touch before the show began and are lying about it. Joe and Samantha go to a beautiful hotel for a photoshoot with People Magazine celebrating hot bodies and it'll be on the website and in the magazine. Samantha gets to straddle Joe to cover his self-declared dad bod, then climb and sit top of him clothed, and makeout in a shower. I think People expected a lot of clicks except it's this piece of garbage. The photoshoot ends and they drink beers and makeout in a hot tub.  Juelia is stunned and in tears because she fell for Joe's bullshit and can't comprehend he'd want to date another person. While Jared encourages Joe to apologize and set the record clear that he didn't user Juelia, it makes Joe smirk because DUH JARED, Joe totally used Juelia for a rose. Juelia and Joe do talk, but he's pretty vacant and non-apologetic. Juelia can see she was totally played.

A date card arrives and the only person more excited about the reveal than the cast is Jorge the bartender. The date is for Carly and she chooses Kirk, who she's super into and ready to move into the sexy time zone. Kirk is a little taken aback at how fast their relationship is moving and unsure if he's ready for the bone zone so soon. Carly and Kirk go to the same hotel as Samantha's date, but instead sit on a candlelit couch outside. Apparently Carly is missing her brother's birthday for this show/experience and it's like, ummm you could meet all these people at the bar you all hang out at. Kirk's fresh out of a relationship and Carly is looking to find the one and start the next chapter of life. It's a lot of talk about how fast this is all going with intermittent Carly giggles. A cell phone magically appears for Carly to call her brother, which I hope is not mid-wedding fantasy suite, and it's a bizarre first date phone call. Seeing how open and embracing Carly is, Kirk puts the fear side to follow his heart and just kiss Carly beneath fireworks, up against hotel hallways, and in a camera-free fantasy suite. A night of sexin' washes away all fears and life is A-OK for the couple.

Speaking of Jorge the bartender, he becomes the star of this week's episode. He's excited for date cards, he got to added to the opening credits, and he's become a therapist for Ashley S. Jorge isn't as sure about the Ashley/Dan coupling, but she is in fact falling for Dan. Jorge's intuition is right, as Dan is noticing some compatibility red flags (off-camera craziness is implied), so he is unsure about their connection. They later have a talk on some random bed near the ocean, and Dan mentions that this experience brings out a lot of feelings (good and bad) fast. Dan thinks their personalities are different and they were just riding that initial Paradise high. Ashley likes Dan but if he doesn't think what they have is real, she wants to leave, shocked by this turn of events.

Megan from Chris Soules' fake gets lost on her way to Paradise with an entire cameracrew and producers, but at least is able to pick up a souvenir sombrero on the way. Actually it's because the airline lost her luggage and she had nothing so... great money choices. With her options between Dan and JJ, she's got some real fine pickins. Megan wakes up JJ to invite him on her date, because his sense of humor, unemployment status, and living in his mom's loft charmed her. But I guess that's to be continued?

Juelia's still taking it all hard, wondering if Joe lied about everything (um, yes). Ever since Samantha arrived, her and Joe have been attached at the mouth, giving off a vibe that indicates they were together well before Paradise. It irks people most because Joe used Juelia, a widowed single mother, all for personal gain to bone Samantha on a free vacation. Joe admits he and Samantha spoke for a month beforehand but supposedly didn't scheme, but yes there was an interest. The whole house is Team Juelia and they simply want a confession from Joe, and ideally him to leave since no one likes him. Dan confronts Joe, and then Joe mocks Dan for being a 30-something on reality TV. Let's save this clip for a few years down the line when Joe becomes a yearly regular on the Bachelor franchise spin-offs as the season villain. Joe gets dragged into another conversation with Juelia, who feels irrelevant now that Joe/Samantha are paired up. Juelia feels played and believes Joe full well knew Samantha was coming and would do what it took to meet her. Joe continues to deny and put the blame on nosy other people, but eventually says he's sorry IF Juelia felt played, a way to make sure his bases are covered if/when they spill to Samantha. And then Samantha walks into the conversation and Joe realizes he'll be ruined.

Want to know what happened on part 2? Click to read Part 2's recap.

Big Brother 17: Dumb Moves at the Double Eviction

8/16/2015 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 7

Another week in the Big Brother house begins where Thursday's cliffhanger left us: the Head of Household competition. Everyone is slipping and sliding on a Crisco-covered lane to fill up a globe to retrieve the HOH ball. Two other balls are in the container, $5,000 and "Never Not" pass to avoid a summer of slop and dentist chair sleep. Since it's slippery, this allows the show to use the slide whistle sound drop for maximum effect. Becky is way ahead of everyone else so she has plenty of time to win the bonus prizes first, then secure herself the HOH victory.

What we do find out on this episode is that right before the big Clelli eviction the house blew up. Johnny Mac has been onto Vanessa being the epicenter of drama and wrongly told Clay, who informed Vanessa that James is talking smack on her. Vanessa confronts James about this accusation that Vanessa is "in Shelli's head" to which James swears on his daughter he didn't. This chain continues with Vanessa questioning Johnny Mac and James and Clay getting into an face-to-face altercation with lots of pointed fingers. Soon enough, all four are in a heated conversation with Vanessa over-reacting about everything like she always does. "He's lying," Vanessa says about Clay about fourteen times. Long story short: Johnny Mac sees through Vanessa and informs Clelli to watch their backs. Well just Shelli because Clay is gone.

The house wonders what Becky will do with her power since until this time she's been a bit of a floater. Speculation is Vanessa will be the target since everyone is onto her game, and that is accurate. Becky plans to nominate Shelli and Steve, which half-keeps the group's word from the prior week to target the remaining half of Clelli. But there's a big picture plan: backdoor Vanessa. To keep this plan top secret, Becky asks her allies James, Meg, and Jackie to not speak a word. But Becky does tell one more person to gain her trust: Shelli. Vanessa tries to make a deal with Becky, but she flat out slaps it down and says she's done with deals and alliances. BALLER! That's how to stand up to Vanessa. With Johnny Mac in the loop and agreed with the plan, Becky begins to put the plan in motion and nominates Shelli and Steve.

With nominations over, Steve remains hellbent on one day targeting Becky once he stops throwing things and Becky assures Shelli she's not the target. Fearing a likely backdoor nomination, Vanessa asks both nominees to choose her for houseguest's choice and promises to save whoever picks her (since Vanessa would be safe as well). Steve finds out from his secret ally John that Vanessa is the backdoor target, but is surprised Johnny Mac wouldn't use the veto to surprise him and he's like, uh dude no one cares about you. Speaking of no one cares, Liz and Austin's showmance is like 70% real now.

This week's Power of Veto competition brings back the awesome #BBComic Superheroes challenge of last season, with the players flying across the year on a zipline to memorize comic book covers designed to mock the houseguests. Anytime they mock Vanessa's smelly blue hat and Johnny Mac the crazy dentist I'm in. I ranked the comics last year, and I ranked them again this year because OF COURSE. Some titles were pretty awesome and some were clunkers (but really anything Austin stinks). I just want a copy of "The Blanket" for my own collection. People compete, they mess up, they take forever - whatevs. Steve completes the challenge in just under 14 minutes and wins the veto, which secures his safety and helps the backdoor plan move along.

Vanessa's run of paranoia begins right after the veto competition, with everyone dodging her so they can't confirm or deny what Becky's plans are. Vanessa talks to Becky to try and make a deal since she understands the likelihood either her or Johnny Mac will be the replacement. Vanessa thinks Becky owes her since the house evicted Jason over Becky, but Becky's like gurl please. Vanessa never shuts up. Moving along, she covers her bases with all the people she made past deals with AKA everyone else in the house. At the veto ceremony, uses the veto to save himself (duh), and Becky names Vanessa as the replacement. Needless to say, Vanessa is pisssssssed.

All of this has to be wrapped up rather quickly for the Double Eviction. With the nominations set, Shelli plans to lay low since she's been told she's safe, but Vanessa is quite the opposite and campaigns like hell. She thought she was safe given some "final eight" deal last week which isn't a good deal because "final eight" isn't a thing. Vanessa plays dirty too now, spilling all the tea on Becky including past intent to evict James and her telling Clelli everything last week. With this information, James, Meg, and Becky wonder if evicting Vanessa is the right move or maybe they should switch and eliminate Shelli.

Julie informs the house there will be a Double Eviction and not a single person is surprised because this show changes NOTHING year to year. Shelli gives a fun speech before the vote, while Vanessa apparently wrote some a graduation keynote speech. The house votes against HOH Becky's wishes and unanimously evicts Shelli over Vanessa, because they're all idiots who are drinking the Kool Aid. In her Julie Chen time, Shelli figured she was in trouble against a slick game player like Vanessa and James was a big part of flipping the vote. If Shelli returns, she plans to partner with Steve and John and Julie's like "They weren't even in your alliance!" because I guess people don't give Julie feed updates.

Moving on, the house competes in the HOH competition that kicks off the Double Evictino festivities. The HGs had to memorize 16 different clips from throughout the show on the memory wall and they have to answer questions about the clips. Steve wins the Head of Household competition since he finally stopped throwing it and nominates Meg and Jackie for eviction. Say whaaaat! But also, laughing so hard since the Goblins alliance did this to themselves by changing their minds and keeping Vanessa. The Power of Veto has the houseguests rolling a ball through a wooden ski slope to get balls into three different holes, in numerical order. Johnny Mac wins the veto easily, which got everyone excited because who the heck knows what is the plan for tonight. At the Veto Ceremony, John left the nominations the same since he didn't know who Steve would choose as the replacement. So much for an awesome move to backdoor Vanessa and any other big player. Was this the plan a mistake? I don't know. The house votes to evict Jackie, which is apparently because Steve was fed information that at one point Jackie was going to backdoor him (Jackie tells Julie she was going to backdoor Austin). It's a quick so long, farewell to Jackie and now we're left hanging about the next HOH. Thank goodness for live feeds.