January 25, 2016

The Bachelor: Talentless Show

1/25/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 4

With the Bachelor mansion full of weird vibes, it's time to hit the road. It's off to fabulous Las Vegas, where the girls shout "VEGAS!" in many forms of staged production and screaming/screeching. But if you give me an open bar and a ridiculous suite at the Aria Hotel I might scream like an idiot too. 

JoJo joins Ben on the week's first one-on-one, a helicopter ride of the Vegas skyline. Well not before almost being murdered by a table blown over by helicopter wind. Man, bringing back the helicopter budget this season was the best decision ever. Also, all the girls see Ben smooching JoJo and get pissy - especially Olivia but we'll get to that later. The helicopter ride gets maybe 15 seconds of airtime before skipping ahead to getting all gussied up for nighttime pretend dinner and talking. JoJo opens up her insecurities about feelings not being returned, like her past relationship that ended only five months ago. Holy rebound! JoJo gets the rose and makes out with Ben while fireworks shoot in the sky.

The group date girls expect to be showing their ta-tas as Vegas showgirls, but instead it's Terry Fator's puppet show. Oh god, I feel such pity for this group. All the girls have to perform a talent as Terry's opening act and unfortunately passing out by a toilet smelling like mimosas isn't a talent. The twins can Irish step dance, Jubilee plays the cello, Leah is a clown, and Lauren H changes the words to "Old McDonald" in a chicken suit. Olivia, always in need of being the center of attention, dresses as a showgirl and pops out of a giant cardboard cake and dances awkwardly. After the show, Olivia has a panic attack because she has no talent and embarassed herself and thinks Ben is "mortified" by her. But Olivia, you and Ben have a secret love language and all is perfect! Ben brings the ladies for drinks at a hotel pool with a waterfall that surely tested all their bladders. He sucks face with Caila, talks through a puppet (poorly might I add) to Lauren H, and kisses feelings-nervous Lauren B. Overconfident Olivia talks to Ben about her ego being crushed by her lack-of-talent show. I wonder if her talent show performance overshadows her cankle anxiety? Never one to be hidden, Olivia interrupts Emily the twin's alone time to get more Ben time to whine, which is SUCH a Lace move. Ben gives Lauren B the date rose because he's super into her and it's obvious.

Becca's one-on-one date starts with an expected gift: a wedding dress. It's a white one because Becca is a virgin, remember?? Becca is escorted in a pink cadillac to a super classy Vegas chapel to get ordained and marry other people. For like a hot second when Ben got down on one knee, Becca legit thought she was getting proposed to and this show was ending, which is the second funniest thing ever (besides Olivia's "talent"). Later, Ben takes Becca to the Neon Museum, a graveyard for all the old Vegas strip signs. I want to go there. Also because Step Up All In filmed there. Becca talks about her past experience and why she's willing to do this dumb show again (the risk is worth it and Chris sucked - in so many words). Oh course the sex stuff comes up, with Ben wondering if it's hard for her to be a virgin but she made a commitment to wait. Ben appreciates her morals and values cause he's a classy dude with religious beliefs. Both of them improv some vows to each other and kiss a bunch. Of course Becca gets the date rose.

The twins are so excited to be in Vegas, their hometown, so it only makes sense one would get dumped there. Yes, the show OF COURSE put the twins on a surprise 2-on-1 Thunderdome date because supposedly Ben wanted to spend time with these two specifically. SUUUUUURE producers who have dreamed about this moment since casting. Ben admits it's hard dating twins so his brilliant date idea is making this a hometown date and meeting their mom. THE EFF?! After hiding all the pics of her ex-boyfriend, Haley encourages Ben to treat the twins as individuals - something the show isn't really into. Emily hopes her sister will get booted so she can get more time. Mom gives Ben the download on her daughters so that Ben can continue to judge and pick a favorite. Ben calls a family meeting on the couch with mom, the twins, and the dogs to dump Haley and pick Emily. Man, there isn't even a limo of shame - Haley can run to her room and cry in mere seconds! Meanwhile, Emily and Ben snuggle and kiss in the limo. That twin bond is so strong right now.

The remaining ladies put on their finest sequin dresses for the cocktail party to see more girls eliminated hours after Haley was left at home with her mom for good. Olivia is furious Jennifer stole her standard move of grabbinb Ben first, so she steals Ben away mere minutes after their convo begins. Olivia decides her talent is not jumping out of cakes but eating a slice of cake in front of Ben, tell him she's falling for him, and reinforce this alleged secret language/bond they have. But Olivia isn't Ben's one and only, as he continues to kiss nearly the entire cast and give a pep talk to Jubilee about how amazing she is (I have dubbed them "Benbilee" so let's make that a thing). The Rose Ceremony happens over a clear platform over the pool, much like the fashion show at the end of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. While we're teased at the possibility of Olivia getting eliminated, she receives her rose last again. Eternal Bachelor franchise member Amber and Rachel the unemployed girl with the hoverboard are eliminated.

[All images credited to ABC]