June 6, 2016

The Bachelorette: Ripped Shirts and Bruised Egos

6/06/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3 - Part 1

Chase receives a "Let's get physical" date card and sadly, it is not an Olivia Newton-John themed date. Instead it's JoJo trying yoga for the first time, so the show sends her on tantric yoga that has the couple screaming and shouting in the unsexiest ways (apparently called "angergasms"). JoJo realizes this idea for a yoga date was a terrible idea, but at least she look at Chase who is hot. A tantric stare pose leads to a super sexy first kiss and both are like "Yeah, OK, yoga's cool now." Later they share a romantic evening getting to know each other at a vineyard. Chase is a child of divorce so takes marriage very seriously. JoJo likes how she saw the fun, serious, and genuine sides of Chase so she gives him the date rose. The date ends with the season's first private concert by Charles Kelley, and I have never heard of him but I do know Charlie Kelley from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia so I am in a GIF hole right now of that weirdo.

There's a big group date and SHOCKER, Chad is not happy to be on a group date and would rather sit it out instead of sharing. Meanwhile, Evan pretty much cries when he gets invited. The guys are already pretty sour on Chad so this is just another item to add to the Chad Shitlist. Jordan makes a joke that hopefully the date is a bench press competition not a spelling bee, Chad gets pissed and throws a lowball right back, calling Jordan a "27 year old failed football player". Alex jumps in to get his shot at Chad too. It's all so uncomfortable so let's bring on that date!

If you were wondering if they could keep the uncomfortable level high with this group, the answer is hell yes! The guys are invited to a theater performance with a woman faking an orgasm and telling her sexual tales. Cue the dropped jaws of the men. Surprise: the guys are the special guests and they'll share their sex stories on stage! The men have 45 minutes to prepare and some are ready to spill all the tea, others (basically Chad) don't want to talk about the past and think it's a little early in the process to tell their sex secrets. The guys have some fun with their stories, really getting the crowd of ladies giggling and JoJo looking like she's going to pee her pants. Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist decides to use his entire performance as "cautionary story" about using steroids, meant to be a direct diss at Chad. Chad is last on stage and uses his storytime to bring JoJo on stage and try to kiss her, but she turns away. The guys are elated to see him crash and burn, literally chest bumping to celebrate like bros do.

The night portion of the date is drinks and JoJo time at this restaurant that is borderline antiques store/hoarders nest. JoJo gets some great time with guys and knows she's looking for a best friend who she can spend her life with a feel safe. Cue Chad's entrance after the word "safe" for some wonderful Bachelorette editing. The guys ask Chad about JoJo avoiding his kiss early, and he's not that upset, but is more pissed about Evan bumping into him after the performance. On the reverse, Even feels Chad became physically aggressive with him and tells Chad he wishes he got an apology right after the incident. Chad's answer is "leave me alone". Finally Chad gets his alone time with JoJo where he discusses disliking group dates and his rivalry with Evan. Evan interrupts Chad's time and tells JoJo if Chad stays, he will leave. JoJo decides to offer the group date rose to Evan and I'm surprised he didn't nearly cry tears of joy again. Chad is shocked and vocalizes his confusion about Evan getting the rose, and his disrespect irks JoJo. The date ends and the guys board the most depressing party bus home with Chad seething.

James Taylor is the recipient of the last 1-on-1 date and I must remind you, it is not the singer/songwriter from the 70s, but instead a new singer/songwriter we won't remember in a year. The couple get all dolled up in some vintage threads and get swing dancing lessons from an old lady at the Culver Hotel, and those lessons are needed cause James Taylor can't dance. After a horrible lesson, JoJo and James Taylor join in with a bunch of pro swing dancers outside, dancing like crap but having a blast. Later they take the classic car up to makeout point to sip unknown beverages from thermoses and try to make a romantic connection. JoJo likes James Taylor's "zest for life" and he opens up about being a homely kid and getting teased. JoJo digs James Taylor and gives him the date rose off the dashboard. Apparently James Taylor smuggled along his guitar so wraps the date with a song just for JoJo that thankfully has more words than "JoJo" over and over.

The guys don't feel comfortable with Chad around so they take a logical approach to it all: hire a security guard. Daniel explains to Chad the guys think he's a loose cannon since he punched a door and gets mad a lot. After some poorly phrased analogies to Hitler, Mussolini, and Donald Trump, the moral of Daniel's poor references is that being friends with Chad is making him look bad too. The guys wonder what will happen with Chad at the Rose Ceremony, but it's to be continued so guess what? No cocktail party! It's an all-day pool party instead! The guys are excited except for Evan who quickly follows Chris Harrison out to tattle that Chad ripped the back of his shirt and punched a door. Chris Harrison takes Chad aside to let him know the guys are afraid of him and Chad defends himself. Since there's a no violence policy, Chris Harrison tells Chad to go inside and make nice. Gonna guess this is NOT going to be a happy ending. But we'll find out TOMORROW!

[All images credited to ABC]