The Men Tell All
The reunion begins with the Bachelor in Paradise preview which looks IN-SANE (it starts next week). We need insane after this horrendous season of The Bachelorette. After a long commercial break that had the worst "Bleachable Moment" segment of all time starring last season's twins and forgettable Vinny, the men are all introduced. Wells gets the biggest cheers because he should've been a Bachelor candidate, instead sent off to Paradise to potentially seduce crybaby Ashley I. Chad isn't on stage but don't worry, he's there and will be the sole conversation point of the evening. However the other season instigator, Alex, gets confronted for his bad behavior too. Alex feels he was being honest but the guys felt all his energy was spent on hating Chad or Derek.
Chad is unleashed from his trailer like a wild bull heading into a rodeo, strutting and whistling until he hits the hot seat. He insists everyone hated him because he was real and the rest were fake and aiming for showbiz dreams. Since being on the show, Chad has dated Grant and Robby's exes which I guess is the ultimate long con. Saint Nick takes off his blazer to pretend he's going to fight Chad. I don't know why everyone is trying so hard to be seen - Bachelor in Paradise already filmed! The guys didn't appreciate the guy Chad blew them off and refused to befriend them in any way. Chad spills all the tea like Robby threatened the ex/Chad, Jordan wants to be a sports broadcaster, and lots of other stuff I'm tired of typing. They address the Chad/Evan rivalry which includes showing the actual footage of the bumping and shirt ripping. Did Evan ever get a new shirt? One of life's greatest mysteries. Wells admits the guys antagonized him, but it was deserved. Thirty minutes devoted to Chad because nothing happened this season.
Conversation finally moves away from Chad and onto JoJo's jilted loves. Luke has to discuss his shocking airport hangar dumping after waiting too long to express his feelings. He still loves JoJo now but realizes he should've been more expressive. Luke has learned to love again which is the ultimate phrase to say if you want to be cast as the Bachelor. And Chris Harrison fishing for answers about Luke looking for love and the opportunity for it only confirms Luke is a top contender even if he's like watching paint dry. Continuing the quest for blandest man on the show, the audience goes crazy for freshly dumped Chase who still can't over getting offered the Fantasy Suite and then dumped in it as soon as he said "I love you." If she knew she wasn't in love with him, why offer him the Bone Zone key?
Good thing Chase can get some closure when JoJo comes to the hot seat! She admits it's hard to re-watch breaking hearts but learned from her first time getting heartbroken by Ben to be honest and not lead people on. JoJo isn't sure if she heard "I love you" sooner from Luke if it would've changed things, but she knew she had to stick to her gut and eliminate him. Luke is thankful 100x over and keeps rambling so people can be more convinced he should be Bachelor. JoJo tells Chase that if she spent the night with him after "I love you" and dumped him the next day it might've been worse, but does feel bad bringing him to the Fantasy Suite to crush hie dull heart. It's not all kissing JoJo's ass because Chad is still there and hasn't talked in 37 minutes, throwing allll the shade. JoJo dismisses him and moves onto getting her ego stroked by everyone else, except Vinny's mom because for some reason this franchise wants Vinny to happen? Then Chris Harrison said, "Let there be bloopers!" and we all fake laughed. What a lackluster night to be the penultimate episode to a lackluster season.
Next week: JoJo pick between two guys with the same haircut.
[All images credited to ABC]