Alex finally gets a one-on-one date and all the guys can say about this is, "Now you can finally shut up." I mean, talk about support. Alex's date is getting to be JoJo's roadtrip buddy for their next destination while the other pleebs take a bus and freestyle rap together, which is way more fun than Alex's date. That's because in the awkward car ride it's just Alex and JoJo eating Pringles and wondering if the fields are full of wheat. They make a pit stop for gaucho training which just looks like horseback riding in costumes to me, but what do I know? At some point the gaucho shows off his connection with the horse and I honestly laugh the loudest belly laugh, especially watching them group spoon a horse. All the horse whispering really helps turn the spirit around and JoJo makes out with Alex. On the night portion of the date it's all going well until Alex says he's falling in love with JoJo despite hardly any time together. It was the best day of his life! Feeling extremely uncomfortable, JoJo dumps Alex on the date instead of dragging it out until the Rose Ceremony because she knows she ain't falling in love with him any time soon.
Jordan gets another one-on-one date because it's an overnight date and who the hell else do you think she wants to possibly bang at this point. Robby? God no. JoJo whisks Jordan off on a private jet to go stomp on grapes and drink their foot wine in Mendoza, Argentina. They wash their feet off by making out in a hot tub and drinking non-foot wine, while the guys back at the hotel lament Jordan's frontrunner status. Jordan uses their "dinner" to address some of the accusations against his character or that he's using his brother's fame. Well apparently he's not close or in contact with Aaron Rodgers so suck on that, other guys! JoJo was scared about falling for Jordan so fast, but his openness with feelings shows it's all mutual. How mutual? Jordan says he's in love with JoJo and she's elated, making out against a random alley wall which is the definition of sexy on a reality show.
Chase, James, and Robby go on the group date which is the only chance to score a rose before the Rose Ceremony. But that means JoJo doesn't want an overnight with any of those three at this point, so boo hoo losers. Rain ruins the outdoor adventures planned for the day so instead JoJo gets a suite at The Plaza Hotel for a hotel slumber party like Troop Beverly Hills. Slumber party fun includes shoving 25 fries in James Taylor's mouth at once, watching the Brazilian Bachelor, Truth or Dare, and a rousing game of Bachelor Celebrity. James Taylor decides to play instigator again, talking about Robby checking out hot Argentian women all the time and the constant razzing starts to irritate the overly tan Ken doll. Freed from the hotel room prison, each guy gets a little solo time with JoJo to plead their case to get that rose to hometown dates. Robby tells JoJo he and his ex ended just four months ago after three years of dating, insisting he's moved on from the ex. Chase tells JoJo he wants to spend forever with her, and she's happy he's finally opening up. James Taylor wonders if their type of love is as strong as the physical attractions he has, and she babbles on until the point he forgets what he asked but he's ready to introduce her to the fam. The guys bicker over who are the frontrunners, which apparently is Robby since he gets the group date rose. Chase and James Taylor get booted from the suite so JoJo can spend more time with Robby and America shudders.
Luke gets the last one-on-one date of the week because he's a frontrunner. They meet up at a ranch to pet a mini horse, ride full sizes horses, and skeet shoot. Cue all the skeet jokes I can think up! Luke talks about how much he wants to see a life with whoever he loves and for real this date lasts 4 minutes. Even the guys are shocked the date is over so fast. It's true: JoJo already has her mind made up and doesn't need to fake nice over a cocktail party to crush some hearts. The guys suit up and take a horse and carriage to the Rose Ceremony. Tonight's episode of The Bachelorette has been brought to you by: horses. The roses first go to the obvious frontrunners, Luke and Jordan, and then final rose is given to... Chase. And so we bid adieu to James Taylor who I have dubbed the next Bachelor with his sad sack edit, especially with all the talk about the perfect girl being out there for him. JoJo cries a bunch but just a reminder, you could've dumped Alex and James Taylor last week and saved them a little more heartache. Just saying.
[All images credited to ABC]