August 2, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 3: Paradise Is Officially Hell

8/02/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 1

Bachelor In Paradise is back and the credits and more self aware and bizarre than ever. But bless us all, Jorge the Bartender is back! As are all your "favorites" like two-time loser in love Nick Viall, the twins, Lace, single mom Amanda, villain Chad.. blah blah so many others. You'll hear about them later as they begin to show up on the beach and make pleasantries, like judging who is less ugly in person (Evan) or who is old. Everyone except for anyone on JoJo's season can't wait to meet the myth that is Chad but no one is truly ready for such a character. He's mysterious and misunderstood, they say! We know one thing: his bromance with Daniel the Canadian is back on, rekindled by the fuel of their own arrogance. But Daniel doesn't want to just bro out - he wants to hookup and for some reason women find him attractive. I mean, he's a guy who calls women "bruised fruit" and ranks them based on hotness - what ISN'T attractive about that? 

Chris Harrison explains the rules of the show - date cards, dates, find love or you'll be eliminated at Rose Ceremony. The men have the power this week and will hand out roses; next week the ladies will give the roses. Much like crybaby Ashley I and her sister, the twins are a package deal because if they were separate they are truly pointless to this franchise. Pairings start happening right away, like total unknowns Izzy and Vinny that were unknown even to the cast but are coupled right away. Jubilee hopes she can couple up with Jared, inviting him on the first date of the season to sip margaritas while being surrounded by literally all the pinatas someone could get in Puerto Vallarta. Their nerd bonding session over Lord of the Rings is interrupted by the most terriying clown popping out to scare the crap out of them. WHAT. IS. HAPPENING. People, this is what Paradise entails.

But this is all child's play compared to the mess of Chad and Lace. A true pair of hellions, I tell you. What starts as a chemistry turns into a drunken hot tub makeout session, which leads to yelling and shoving, and an eventual fallout. Love is fleeting in Paradise, especially when you drunkenly call a girl a bitch and talk about murder a lot. The problem is Chad is extremely hammered and ruining the party for everyone else around. Sarah takes a stand and tells him he's gotta go, then walks away crying that he's ruining Paradise. His BFF Daniel tries to talk him off the ledge, but Chad is belligerent to he walks away and eventually passes out into snoring, pants pooping bliss on the pool deck.

The next morning, chaperone Chris Harrison shows up to intervene. Guys, this is literally the most Chris Harrison has worked the entire year. Lace tries to express why Chad made her uncomfortable, but keeps getting cut off by Chad. Chris Harrison saw the footage and cuts right to the chase: "We all came here to be in Paradise. In a matter of one night, you have turned this into hell." Not only was Chad horrible to the women, but nasty to production, and told the entire hotel staff to suck his [bleep]. Holy crap I laughed so hard at Chris Harrison swearing. The verdict is easily in: Chad is being booted from Paradise. He leaves, loses a flip flop, and takes a final dig at Chris Harrison that he went to bed last night sipping mimoas in a robe. One can only dream of such a life. Unfortunately, Chris Harrison now has a mortal enemy in Chad.

[All images credited to ABC]