January 25, 2016

The Bachelor: Talentless Show

1/25/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 4

With the Bachelor mansion full of weird vibes, it's time to hit the road. It's off to fabulous Las Vegas, where the girls shout "VEGAS!" in many forms of staged production and screaming/screeching. But if you give me an open bar and a ridiculous suite at the Aria Hotel I might scream like an idiot too. 

JoJo joins Ben on the week's first one-on-one, a helicopter ride of the Vegas skyline. Well not before almost being murdered by a table blown over by helicopter wind. Man, bringing back the helicopter budget this season was the best decision ever. Also, all the girls see Ben smooching JoJo and get pissy - especially Olivia but we'll get to that later. The helicopter ride gets maybe 15 seconds of airtime before skipping ahead to getting all gussied up for nighttime pretend dinner and talking. JoJo opens up her insecurities about feelings not being returned, like her past relationship that ended only five months ago. Holy rebound! JoJo gets the rose and makes out with Ben while fireworks shoot in the sky.

The group date girls expect to be showing their ta-tas as Vegas showgirls, but instead it's Terry Fator's puppet show. Oh god, I feel such pity for this group. All the girls have to perform a talent as Terry's opening act and unfortunately passing out by a toilet smelling like mimosas isn't a talent. The twins can Irish step dance, Jubilee plays the cello, Leah is a clown, and Lauren H changes the words to "Old McDonald" in a chicken suit. Olivia, always in need of being the center of attention, dresses as a showgirl and pops out of a giant cardboard cake and dances awkwardly. After the show, Olivia has a panic attack because she has no talent and embarassed herself and thinks Ben is "mortified" by her. But Olivia, you and Ben have a secret love language and all is perfect! Ben brings the ladies for drinks at a hotel pool with a waterfall that surely tested all their bladders. He sucks face with Caila, talks through a puppet (poorly might I add) to Lauren H, and kisses feelings-nervous Lauren B. Overconfident Olivia talks to Ben about her ego being crushed by her lack-of-talent show. I wonder if her talent show performance overshadows her cankle anxiety? Never one to be hidden, Olivia interrupts Emily the twin's alone time to get more Ben time to whine, which is SUCH a Lace move. Ben gives Lauren B the date rose because he's super into her and it's obvious.

Becca's one-on-one date starts with an expected gift: a wedding dress. It's a white one because Becca is a virgin, remember?? Becca is escorted in a pink cadillac to a super classy Vegas chapel to get ordained and marry other people. For like a hot second when Ben got down on one knee, Becca legit thought she was getting proposed to and this show was ending, which is the second funniest thing ever (besides Olivia's "talent"). Later, Ben takes Becca to the Neon Museum, a graveyard for all the old Vegas strip signs. I want to go there. Also because Step Up All In filmed there. Becca talks about her past experience and why she's willing to do this dumb show again (the risk is worth it and Chris sucked - in so many words). Oh course the sex stuff comes up, with Ben wondering if it's hard for her to be a virgin but she made a commitment to wait. Ben appreciates her morals and values cause he's a classy dude with religious beliefs. Both of them improv some vows to each other and kiss a bunch. Of course Becca gets the date rose.

The twins are so excited to be in Vegas, their hometown, so it only makes sense one would get dumped there. Yes, the show OF COURSE put the twins on a surprise 2-on-1 Thunderdome date because supposedly Ben wanted to spend time with these two specifically. SUUUUUURE producers who have dreamed about this moment since casting. Ben admits it's hard dating twins so his brilliant date idea is making this a hometown date and meeting their mom. THE EFF?! After hiding all the pics of her ex-boyfriend, Haley encourages Ben to treat the twins as individuals - something the show isn't really into. Emily hopes her sister will get booted so she can get more time. Mom gives Ben the download on her daughters so that Ben can continue to judge and pick a favorite. Ben calls a family meeting on the couch with mom, the twins, and the dogs to dump Haley and pick Emily. Man, there isn't even a limo of shame - Haley can run to her room and cry in mere seconds! Meanwhile, Emily and Ben snuggle and kiss in the limo. That twin bond is so strong right now.

The remaining ladies put on their finest sequin dresses for the cocktail party to see more girls eliminated hours after Haley was left at home with her mom for good. Olivia is furious Jennifer stole her standard move of grabbinb Ben first, so she steals Ben away mere minutes after their convo begins. Olivia decides her talent is not jumping out of cakes but eating a slice of cake in front of Ben, tell him she's falling for him, and reinforce this alleged secret language/bond they have. But Olivia isn't Ben's one and only, as he continues to kiss nearly the entire cast and give a pep talk to Jubilee about how amazing she is (I have dubbed them "Benbilee" so let's make that a thing). The Rose Ceremony happens over a clear platform over the pool, much like the fashion show at the end of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. While we're teased at the possibility of Olivia getting eliminated, she receives her rose last again. Eternal Bachelor franchise member Amber and Rachel the unemployed girl with the hoverboard are eliminated.

[All images credited to ABC]

January 18, 2016

The Bachelor: The Sky's the Limit (And So Is the Date Budget)

1/18/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3

Chris Harrison sucks all the life of the room when he drops off the first date card of the episode. Ben takes flight attendant Lauren B to an airport and she's probably like, "Dude can't I get a vacation from work?" But it's not a day at the office, instead they cruise around in a biplane with little to no stunt action. No one hurls on the plane, unfortunately, but I guarantee a girl in the Bachelor mansion dry heaves from stress over seeing the flyover. The plane drops them off in a remote location with not a house or building in sight, but a hot tub strategically placed for romance and makeout sessions. If this is the season that brings back Bachelor cliches like hot tubs and helicopters, I'm all in. As if planes and hot tubs weren't enough seduction, Ben and Lauren B have a private dinner at the Camarillo Ranch House which I guess should mean something? The conversation flows as Lauren and Ben talk about their dads, which leads to Lauren B getting a date rose AND a private concert date by Lucy Angel. Just pretend you know who that is while basking in Lauren B and Ben's growing love.

The group date girls head out on a soccer date, harking back on the good ol' days of Juan Pablo as The Bachelor. Since Ben is no soccer pro like Juan Pabs, he instead brings out pro soccer players Alex Morgan and Kelly O'Hare to give the girls some training before splitting into Team Stars vs. Team Stripes (it's the perfect place for Waldo to hide). Watching Bachelor soccer is as boring as real soccer and I'm counting the minutes until it ends. Hoverboard Rachel ends up injured, maybe because she's not used to walking since she uses so dumb electric skateboard to move. Team Stripes wins the game and more alone time with Ben, sending all the rejects from Team Stars home (no loss there since it's a team made up of women that have had zero Ben time). Don't cry ladies, there's an open bar wherever you go. Team Stripes, AKA the team with girls Ben is actually attracted to, head to their rooftop cocktail party to enjoy more time. Olivia grabs alone time with Ben first, takes him up to a hotel room to kiss, and then lightly taunts the girls from the balcony. Oh that'll endear you to the group! A group with no mercy for Olivia's ugly toes. Amber, the Bachelor franchise veteran, gets the date rose after finally getting time to open up to Ben - and snag a good kiss.

After a total stressfest that she wasn't Ben's type because she's "complicated", Jubilee gets the other 1-on-1 date of the episode. And not just any date... a helicopter date!! Man this episode is a celebration of all amazing Bachelor tropes. Jubilee is quickly viewed as ungrateful by the other girls after a snippy comment about Ben being late and wanting to ditch her date since she's afraid of heights. The helicopter lands at a gorgeous estate that looks like if the Bachelor mansion got a serious upgrade. The fancy caviar is a bit much for Jubilee, a sworn hot dog lover - cue the phallic jokes! Wine and a hot tub help loosen up a nervous Jubilee, who finally begins to connect with Ben who is all smiles around her. There's a nighttime outfit change before a romantic dinner together which is still unfortunately hot dog free. Ben asks Jubilee to open up more about her hesitance to visit Haiti again, which she explains is because of a bad past that's difficult to face since her entire family died except for her. It's heavy dinner talk but Ben is there for her and it's sweet. This emotional discussion bonds the pair and Ben gives Jubilee the date rose and they kiss.

The cocktail party starts on a real downer with Ben losing two people close to him in a plane crash, but apparently the show must go on. Quickly Olivia swoops in and instead of consoling Ben in a time of sadness, uses the time to discuss her cankle insecurity. Thankfully the other women are more sensitive and provide condolences. The girls are stunned Jubilee got a rose, considering how she's become more isolated from the group. Jubilee uses her time to give Ben a massage and help him de-stress on a down night, which escalates to all the women being pissed someone with a rose is getting alone time. Amber decides to make herself the ambassador to confront Jubilee, who isn't having it and locks herself in a room. Ben consoles Jubilee, so the girls get upset, which leads Amber to come upstairs to say they weren't going to confront her - then proceeds to explain that the girls wanted to talk to her, which was clearly going to be a confrontation. Ben shuts it all down because he likes Jubilee's honesty and bluntness. Nice try girls! Lace then decides it's her time to be dramatic one last time, opting to work on herself instead of dating Ben - she leaves the show. Leaving with Lace are Shushanna and Jami, two girls you pretty much forgot about anyways.

Next week: gambling puns about love in Las Vegas!

[All images credited to ABC]

January 11, 2016

The Bachelor: Blinded Me With Science

1/11/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 2

The first date card of the season brings the group date ladies to Bachelor High, to remember times of sneaking notes into lockers and giving BJs under the bleachers. Professor Chris Harrison hosts the day, not understanding that professors do not teach at high schools but when has logic ever been a part of this show? The girls pair up in elimination style competitions based on classes: making a volcano erupt in science, bobbing for apples in lunch "class", identifying and placing Indiana on a map (major fail), and sinking a free throw in Phys Ed. Amber and Mandi come out victorious as a team, but a hurdle race on the track chooses the ultimate winner AKA homecoming queen. Barefoot Mandi wins the race by a landslide and rides off in a convertible for alone time with Ben, which must suck since it's not even shown. Instead we fast forward to the group date hotel rooftop cocktail party. Despite his insistence there'd be no kissing, Ben smooches with Jennifer who he has bonded with on night one and the girls are far less chill now. Ben kisses Jubilee after she opens up about being adopted from a Haitian orphanage, then kisses JoJo too. Broke that kissing rule of yours rather quick, Benny boy. Not getting kissed is Lace, who apologizes for her drunk bratty behavior, whines to the girls about needing more time, steals more time, still leaves with no kiss. JoJo ends up receiving the date rose.

Caila and Ben go on the ultimate "ride along" for their first date, which is a tie-in for the movie Ride Along 2. Kevin Hart and Ice Cube arrive to be the most hilarious wingmen ever, or I guess interrupters of love. While Ben and Caila try to get to know each other, Kevin interjects his opinions and Ice Cube encourages Ben to purchase condoms and liquor, and eventually leave Ben and Caila in a hot tub at a store that sells hot tubs and jacuzzis. At least this store has a BYOB policy, though they opted for basic champagne instead of Ice T's suggested hard liquor. Bummer. Later, Ben and Caila share a private dinner at either a closed restaurant or movie set, I honestly can't tell. Caila realizes that there aren't picture perfect fairy tale meetings and is just looking for the right person. Ben gives Caila the date rose, which she gladly accepts. The date unfortunately does not end with NWA reuniting for a Bachelor private concert. Nope just Amos Lee, Ben's favorite, playing his guitar and a song I think I've heard in baby commercials. Ben and Caila slow dance, he sings along while Caila pretends she knows the song, and share a kiss.

The second group date girls head to the Love Lab to use science to prove a bond with Ben. There's retinal tests to see if the ladies look at Ben vs. dull ex-Bachelor Sean Lowe or wine vs. beer, Ben sniffing the women to see who attracts him most, and then getting all handsy with Ben on a bed with thermal heating maps to see who has red hot chemistry with Ben and who is a loser. And to add to the awkward, all the girls get to watch! After the tests are complete, the doctor announces to all the girls that Sam has the absolute lowest score with Ben, while overconfident Olivia (who still uses "WINNING!" like it's 2011) has the best score. A thermal heat map would probably show Sam peeing her pants from her humiliation. Ben escorts all the group date ladies to his Bachelor pad to get to know them more, sending the girls into a quiet rage when Ben picks Olivia and they makeout. Amanda finally gets alone time with Ben and shares that she is a single mom of two young girls, knowing this is important to share and he's not scared of kids so they kiss. Ben appreciates Amanda's openness, but still give the group date rose to Olivia, the quickly rising villain of the season.

The cocktail party kicks off with all the girls hellbent on getting their Ben time. Since she was dateless this episode, Ben talks to football hiking Leah first to talk about being interested in learning more about her. Olivia interrupts Leah's time to quickly try to become Courtney Robertson 2.0 with her "winning!" and talking about how Ben is her man already. Dude, they were both Bens too. Find a unique angle, girl. Every girl in the house hates Olivia already so she'll be around forever for TV purposes, though Ben is totally hot for her. Lace calmly confronts Olivia about being a time stealing ahole, then has another awkward encounter with Ben to apologize and tell Ben in detail about awkward childhood photo. Ben isn't anti-photo though and surprises Lauren B the flight attendant with a photo of the first time they met - ummm like 3 days ago? But Santa Ben is not done with gifting tonight! He gives a blue ribbon for the science fair to Lauren H, then makes hair barrettes with Amanda for her girls. 

So did Lace get a lump of coal? Shockingly no, and in fact she gets a rose. We'll call that a producer's pick, right? The drama of the night happens when LB declines a rose from Ben because she realizes that reality TV poly-amorous dating just isn't her scene. LB's leaving allows for one reject to get another chance and that reject is Amber, who cried all episode about not getting a chance to know Ben. The night ends with sending home Sam, who was destined to fail by science, along with Jackie and Mandi.

[All images credited to ABC]

January 4, 2016

The Bachelor: Commence the Ben Puns!

1/04/2016 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 1

Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! It's time to follow another man's quest for love on reality TV and this time around it's Peter Brady doppelganger Ben Higgins. He's 26, tall, cute, and the combination of interesting and bland enough to be a television lead. After showing us what a good basketball loving Indiana boy he's always been, Ben opens up about wanting to find real mutual love. TV is the perfect place to find real love! After seeking the wisdom of his parents, Ben gets advice from "America's favorite Bachelors" including Jason Mesnick, Sean Lowe, and Chris Soules (still ignoring the crops I see). It's a lot of talk about kissing a lot of women, being open with them, and crushing most of their hearts. And with that Ben suits up and heads to the Bachelor mansion for the first of many wild nights.

The show has introduction video packages to many of the women, but I like to skip right to the important stuff: limo entrances. Actually there's a woman who is obsessed with chickens and asks "What comes first - the chicken or the Ben?". Ok back to limos. The very first woman out of the limo is flight attendant Lauren B, the first of a long line of Laurens this season; she gifts Ben with a wings pin. Lace gives Ben the first kiss of the season and yes she is wearing a black lace dress - great branding. Lauren R admits to stalking Ben on social media, Leah hikes a football between her legs, ginger Laura calls herself "Red Velvet", and another Lauren brings the rotten wedding bouquet she caught. The twins get a "No way!" from Ben as in "No way this show isn't going to make me dump one of you on a 2-on-1 date." Mandi wears a giant rose hat on her head, which kinda gives some Georgia O'Keeffe vibes, Izzy wears a onesie, Breanne literally breaks bread to make her anti-gluten statement, Maegan (an abysmal spelling for blogging) brings her mini horse to the mansion. RIP LIL SEBASTIAN, RIP FRENCH BAGUETTE. Sadly the girl on the hoverboard doesn't fall face first on the slicked down driveway. My absolute favorite has to be Joelle who opts to wear a unicorn mask, which is simple and weird. 26 beautiful weirdos in a mansion - what could possibly go wrong?

Ben calls his parents to recap the night, then walks into the mess that is a bunch of desperate lovelorn women near an open bar. Before Ben can even finish his speech, rose hat Mandi steals Ben away for alone time to nag him about flossing. Olivia tells Ben she quit her job as a news anchor to meet him and he's super smitten because she's hot AF. Ben and Caila bond over software sales, which is sooo sexy. All is going well until another limo shows up - WHAAAAAT. It's Becca (yes she's still a virgin since Chris Harrison HAS to ask again) and Amber from past Bachelor seasons (and in Amber's case a summer being rejected in Paradise) and they both want love on TV again. No surprise to any viewer, but the other girls are livid. Lace handles this whole experience the "best" and I mean that in the sense for disastrous TV as she gets slammed on white wine and gets bitchier by the moment. Lace tries to ask for a kiss again, gets denied, interrupted by rose hat, and then an explanation from Ben that he'd like to know her more before kissing. And since Ben went out of his way to pull her aside a second time, Lace feels even more superior.

Chris Harrison does the oh-so-subtle First Impression Rose drop onto the table, which heightens all the emotions in the room. Well that and the ever flowing stream of white wine. Ben gives the rose to former newanchor/model/drop dead gorgeous Olivia. Cue the jealousy! Chris Harrison then clinks the champagne glass to end the cocktail party, and Lace gets annoyed because Ben didn't make eye contact with her. The roses are handed out and despite the lack of eye contact, Lace gets a rose (because TV producers are great). In the process we lost "Red Velvet", the social media stalker, some chick named Jessica, and Breanne the bread murderer. This is a huge pro-gluten stance Ben has taken on night one. But of course, this has to be ALL about Lace who pulls Ben aside again to blab about the lack of eye contact. Ben's like umm there's 26 women in a room chillax. Inside you know he's like, "I've made a huge mistake." For yourself, yes. But for TV? Oh not at all.

[All images credited to ABC]