March 6, 2017

The Bachelor: From the Bone Zone to the Hot Seat

3/06/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 11 + The Women Tell All

Nick wraps up his overnight date with Raven and she skips down the street happily high fiving strangers because she got laid and finally had an orgasm. Or so they imply. We get it, Raven. You're not the first to go to the Bone Zone with Nick Viall.

Next up for overnight dates: Rachel. Nick and Rachel meet up for an extremely awful attempt at cross-country skiing but it leads to petting a reindeer and a sleigh ride and that's cool. Rachel is surprised she's made it this far and fears her feels won't be reciprocated. Fast forward to nighttime and cozy sweaters, wine, and a crackling fire. Rachel's having a hard time verbalizing her feelings to Nick, and he tries to give guidance she's he done this three other times. And so Rachel finally says it: she's falling in love with him. Nick says he's falling for her too and they smooch a lot. Out comes the Fantasy Suite card which they gladly accept for some sexy cabin times. Nick makes Rachel eggs in the more which I can only assume included the classic one-liner, "How do you like your eggs: scrambled or fertilized?"

Vanessa arrives for the final overnight date, the sloppiest of all seconds at this point. Embracing the Finnish culture, Nick and Vanessa throw on matching swimsuits to dip into an ice bath for ten seconds. It takes a few tries. Thankfully there's a hot tub awaiting them to warm up and discuss the terrible hometown visit to meet Vanessa's parents. Apparently tradition freaks Nick out because Sunday dinner and bonding with family is so weird. Their night date is in a cozy teepee with another crackling fire because that's a sign of winter. Vanessa is still concerned this "traditional" comment is implying Nick doesn't want to be a part of her family, but he clarifies. But this really brings up an important question: where are they going to live? Nick doesn't see himself living in Canada because he's "really proud to be an American" and boy is it awkward. This conversation only points on how much these two are on totally different pages despite having a strong connection. But they're optimistic it'll all work out and Vanessa tells Nick she loves him. Nick and Vanessa accept the Fantasy Suite card to head to the Bone Zone and hopefully stop hearing about Vanessa's "core values."

With all three overnight dates over, each girl solemnly walks through the winter landscape to ponder their future with Nick.  But alas, there are only two roses on the podium for Nick to handout and one woman will be devastated. Nick gets verklempt in his speech and ultimately extends his roses to Raven and Vanessa. And so after knowing for weeks this would happen, it finally happens: Rachel is eliminated. Nick cries about how incredible she is, because she's a damn catch. Cry not viewers at home because Rachel is the new Bachelorette and deserves far better than Nick.

Then the worst happens: The Women Tell All. The most miserable 2 hours to recap every season as each women tries to make herself noticed so she'll get invited for Bachelor in Paradise.

Highlights. Alexis can now identify a shark versus a dolphin. The girls all shout over each other about Corinne and Taylor's behavior, requiring Chris Harrison to whistle to shut them up. Liz explains at Jade and Tanner's wedding she hooked up with Nick but her heart was with someone else, and applied for the show because she was genuinely into Nick, not TV fame. Taylor and Corinne each get a shot in the hot seat to scream at each other and allow others to shout their opinions too. Corinne admits she did stuns to get attention, Raquel isn't a nanny but wouldn't degrade her by calling her a cleaning lady, and gifts everyone cheesy pasta. Because of the show, some kids from Kristina's childhood orphanage have reached out to her but is still upset Nick dumped her since they had a connection. Nick attends his first Tell All since he's always a runner-up, never a winner, and the women awkwardly grill him. There's a quick round of bloopers before bringing Rachel out for everyone to be excited about her new role as The Bachelorette. I love her. All in all, an excruciating two hours.

[All images credited to ABC]