May 22, 2017

The Bachelorette: Rachel Meets 31 Men and 1 Terrifying Dummy

5/22/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 1

To the delight of everyone, Rachel Lindsay is this season's Bachelorette and since she's so great I can only hope this season will live up to her awesomeness. She's also the first African American Bachelorette and it's about damn time. Rachel is a trial lawyer and feels like she's neglected her love life in favor of her career, and dating Nick Viall on television helped her be open to love again. With her adorable doggo Copper in tow, Rachel gets some advice from some of her former Bachelor gal pals which includes Corinne, Alexis the dolphin shark, Raven, and some girls you barely remember but are probably all Bachelor in Paradise castmembers. The girls encourage Rachel to give every guy a shot, regardless of their horrible costume or one-liners. Rachel is a skeptic by nature but knows she just has to "let herself fall" per the sage wisdom of Raven. Hugs and kisses and Rachel's gotta bounce to get get glammed up for her big night. And by the way, obsessed with her dress which is like sparkly shattered glass.

Per tradition, I'm skipping over the packaged videos and heading right into the good stuff: limo entrances. Chris Harrison extends his puppet arms to hug Rachel and express his hosting excitement in bold gestures. And then the limos start rolling in! Now plenty of people make normal one-liner entrances... and others go the flashy route. Let's focus on them. Kenny does the classic electricity dance move with Rachel while Will exits the limo as Urkel impression before re-entering in his dapper suit. Brady's literal ice breaker includes a sledgehammer and a block of ice. Aspiring drummer Blake E already met Rachel on After the Final Rose so he needed to make a more flashy entrance, or better than the video package intro where he constantly talks about his penis. Fred busts out his elementary school yearbook where he reveals he went to school with (and knew Rachel) in the past. Self-described tickle monster lives up to his "job title" and then Lee lamely sings with his guitar (#1 Bachelor entrance cliche). Alex brings a vacuum, Milton takes a Polaroid selfie, Matt dresses like a penguin, and Grant gets dropped off by an ambulance. Lucas arrives to force feed his "Whaboom" catchphrase to Rachel and the world, going so far as to wear a t-shirt of himself shouting said shitty catchphrase. But the scariest of them all is Adam who brings "Adam Jr", a terrifying dummy version of himself. I'll never sleep again.

With all the men cramped into the Bachelor mansion because there's so damn many of them, everyone sizes each other up while pulling the nonstop hover and interrupt game to get time with Rachel. They're also doing their best to avoid Adam Jr, the terrifying dummy that the show has given a French voiceover and sad piano music. Rachel humors the Whaboom guy's annoying antics, but there's a few guys she's clearly not into (purring guy). However, there a plenty of guys Rachel digs because a good convo hooks her. Josiah is the first to snag alone time, sharing how his bad teen behavior led him to becoming a prosecutor. Despite warnings from others to beware of Demario's intentions, Rachel is drawn to him and his charisma. Kenny is a wrestler but opens up about his daughter. Bryan the sexy Columbian chiropractor speaks sweet Spanish nothings to Rachel and pulls her in for a passionate kiss, which ends up scoring him the First Impression Rose... and another kiss.

Chris Harrison comes into the room to clink the glass, which is honestly becoming the most work he does the entire season, and get the Rose Ceremony started. No one really knows how many guys are going to be eliminated since the night started with a massive 31-man headcount (not including Adam Jr. the creepy dummy). In a shocking move, the final rose of the night goes to Lucas AKA Whaboom because I guess we're going to try to force this to happen at least two weeks. So let's just recap some of the guys eliminated by their very limited characterizations: Rob with glasses, Grant the emergency room physician, other Blake, the purring guy, and some others I'll assume. And then get to cry into the early morning sun after their long night tolerating Whaboom guy.

[All images credited to ABC]