January 30, 2017

The Bachelor: Whipped Cream and Lies

1/30/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 5

Because format be damned, this week's episode picks up a the pre-Rose Ceremony fight between Corinne and Taylor. They don't like or respect each other and neither think the other is there for the right reasons. It's not as interesting as the suspenseful music tries to make it be. Corinne tells Nick that Taylor is mean, but he takes it with the smallest grain of salt. Both women survive the Rose Ceremony both via roses as well as the freezing temperature in the barn. Sarah and Astrid are eliminated and hopefully get some hot chocolate spiked with Peppermint Schnapps.

Nick and the women ditch his home state of Wisconsin and head down to New Orleans. I guess Nick didn't remember that as the Bachelor you don't need to travel to Bourbon Street to see boobs.

The first date of the week is a 1-on-1 with Rachel where they stroll around the French Quarter. But the best part of the date is getting a big plate of beignets at Cafe du Monde and me salivating at the TV. With their stomachs full of beignets, oysters, and hot sauce, Rachel and Nick join a second line brass band celebration and smooch under parasol before dancing at a club at a setup concert than we'll pretend is spontaneous. The night portion of the date keeps up the kickass New Orleans theme, with a romantic dinner among the Mardi Gras floats in the warehouse. Rachel opens up how the last time she was in a Second Line was for a funeral, which made her re-evaluate life and living her life to the fullest. Nick gets serious about asking dad's for marriage permission since he's done it kiiiind of a few times on TV. Nick "breaks the rules" by confessing he's super into Rachel and she gladly accepts the date rose with a passionate kiss atop a float.

The group date girls head out to an old plantation mansion but not just any mansion: it's a haunted house! The mansion is haunted by an eight year old girl who died of yellow fever, but since there's an open bar of mint juleps it's probably a chill place. There's varying levels of respect and disrespect for the house's alleged spirits, so they bust out a Ouija board and ask the important haunted questions: "Will Nick get engaged?" and "Who will get the date rose?" Eventually they ask Mae a question of the lights in the house cut out and flicker because, of course. Nick and a few girls head upstairs to investigate while other girls sit around the Ouija board talking about Corinne and Taylor, yet aren't smart enough to ask Ouija who survives the date. Nick takes a break from hunting child ghosts to have alone time with the women, where Raven tells Nick she fell in love with him. Nick gives the date rose (in a Beauty in the Beast product placement glass cover) to Danielle M which is pretty disrespectful to child ghost Mae, but I guess appreciative of her.

The 2-on-1 Thunderdome date is OF COURSE Corinne vs. Taylor, bitter rivals until the end. Their battle to the death (OK, to the rose) takes place out on the Bayou where I'm assuming the losers remains will be dumped for the alligators to feast on. The girls are brought out to a voodoo priestess and a reader to get their tarot cards read. Taylor's reading tells her to not engage with toxic energy. Speaking of toxic energy, Corinne tells Nick that she felt "bullied" by Taylor. Corinne's reading tells her that the words she says cause damage, then Corinne asks how to make a voodoo doll to harm a person. Toxic energy! When the girls are reunited, Taylor confronts Corinne about the lies she told Nick. Nick rolls up to the tension-filled table with his date rose and gives it to Corinne which should come as a shock to no one. Taylor gets left behind in the bayou where I assumed Taylor would be forced to spend the rest of her life, but she escapes to return to the mainland and interrupt Nick and Corinne and tell her side of the story.

[All images credited to ABC]

January 23, 2017

The Bachelor: That's So Raven

1/23/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 4

Picking up from last week, Vanessa isn't here to date a guy that's just looking to bang around and do this Corinne nonsense. Corinne is blissfully unaware that the house hates her until Taylor and Sarah awake her from her slumber to let her know the jump castle ploy was not cool. Everyone hopes Nick will send Corinne home tonight but none of them remember this is a TV show and it's only week 4. The villainess receives the last rose of the night, which shocks all the girls except any person watching this show at home. Christen and Brittany are sent home and Corinne gives a cringey speech to annoy the girls.

It's time to evict the tenants from the Bachelor mansion for their first exotic destination of the season: Milwaukee, Wisconsin!!!! Nick's parents make a brief cameo to hear about the experience and then he's off to tend to his harem again.

Nick takes Danielle L on the first 1-on-1 date this week, strolling around his hometown of Waukesha where Nick points out all the places he's madeout or gotten action. After eating "Nick-erdoodle" and Chris Harrison decorated cookies, they "coincidentally" run into Nick's ex-girlfriend Amber and it's very anti-climactic. Nick and Danielle head to a field where Nick continues his legacy of fooling around in public Waukesha places. They head off to a hotel lobby for cocktails and conversation which is about 40% divorce talk and 60% Danielle giggling. The conversation is good for Nick (and the plunging neckline doesn't hurt either) so Danielle receives the rose and the honor of slow dancing in front of a crowd while some no-name musician performs. 

The group date girls are carted off to a dairy farm where they're greeted by Nick feeding a baby calf. Despite it's farm-centric theme, there is unfortunately no cameo by Chris Soules. I'm sorry. The girls are put to work doing farm chores like feeding and milking the cows. But farm life is far from glamorous and in the circle of farm life sometimes you've got to shovel poop. Corinne may run a multi-million dollar company but apparently has never performed chores in her life and leaves the date to go pout on a rock. The girls hopefully got a chance to shower before putting on their fancier clothes to have cocktails with Nick. Nick connects with Kristina the dentist and then receives a scrapbook from Vanessa that her students made. Corinne is realizing the girls dislike her and after comparing herself to a layered corn husk, so she tries to apologize while the girls point out the total BS of sleeping through a Rose Ceremony. Kristina gets the group date rose which is the perfect way to continue irking Corinne.

The final date of the episode is a 1-on-1 with Raven, who's been fairly lowkey this season minus some throwaway comments about Nick's libido. She feels like a 1-on-1 date in Nick's hometown is an extremely special gesture, which must make it even more mind-blowing when Raven gets to meet Nick's little sister and parents at soccer practice. The date moves on to the greatest day ever at the roller rink, skating and playing arcade games (how did a child get into the claw machine??) Kid sis Bella is a big Raven fan, as we all are as she seems genuine and real. Cue the skating montage to Sixpence None the Richer's "Kiss Me" for some lead-up to the big kiss. A romantic dinner is setup for Nick and Raven at the Milwaukee Art Museum where Raven regales him with the tale of catching her ex-boyfriend cheating on her. Raven explains that this crappy ex made her realize what a smart, wonderful, catch she is who deserves better. Nick of course gives Raven the date rose and they rollerblade through the museum.

Everyone heads to a barn for the next Rose Ceremony where tensions are rising between Corinne and Taylor. Taylor thinks Corinne is immature and not ready for a relationship. Corinne thinks Taylor is fake, stuck up, and mean - never call the girl who runs a multi-million dollar company an idiot! The volume gets louder and the others begin to hear the conversation. But not all of it because it's to be continued. Again.

[All images credited to ABC]

January 16, 2017

The Bachelor: Backstreet and Barf Bags

1/16/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3

Since the gossip is spreading around the house, Nick kicks off the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party by declaring he had sex with Liz at Jade and Tanner's wedding. Nick should've done an open forum for efficiency's sake, but instead chooses to answer each girl's questions 1-on-1. Because god forbid Corinne takes a break from being the center of attention, she wears only a trenchcoat to do a sexy, whipped cream fueled tease. Nick keeps it in his pants which sends Corinne into tears, because I guess she wanted to bang on a beanbag chair in the driveway? Corinne passes out up in her bedroom with her date rose by her side, missing the Rose Ceremony but honestly it's a relief to get even four minutes of the show without her. Nick hands out his roses and says goodbye to Hailey the Canadian and a few other blondes I don't even recognize.

You know how I love to rip on a concert date, but this week I can't. The first group date girls get to be backup dancers for the Backstreet Boys and I'm jealous only because they get to meet BSB. Not the dancing part, I'm a horrible dancer. Corinne is also a terrible dancer and being outshined by the other girls is a devastating blow to her confidence, sending her to the bathroom to cry. I see a pattern. Danielle L is deemed the dancer with the most chemistry with Nick so they get to slow dance and kiss in front of the 500 person crowd (and the others girls) while being serenaded with "I Want It That Way". Later that night, there's the usual post-date cocktail party where Corinne apologizes to Nick for skipping the Rose Ceremony. The girls are beyond tired of Corinne's antics and discovering she's a grown adult with a nanny doesn't help at all. The date rose goes to Danielle L, who Nick really connected with on and off the stage and by that I mean a lot of talking and making out.

Vanessa and Nick head up into the sky for a ride on a zero gravity plane which is the ideal place to fall (or float) in love and hold back vomit. After fun floating and kissing midair, reality sets in: Vanessa has to hurl. Vanessa takes care of business in a barf bag and Nick cradles the airsick beauty. Vomit mouth is apparently not a big deal for him and he kisses Vanessa more. Is he trying to make all the viewers puke too? Nick takes Vanessa up to the tallest building in LA for a romantic dinner which they won't eat, but will enjoy the wine. Vanessa shares that her grandfather passed right before coming on the show and received a red rose that day, which felt like a sign of support to go on the show. Nick talks about his past relationship failures on television and that he's starting to have feelings for Vanessa and is more optimistic about this whole experience in general. He even sheds a tear! Nick gives Vanessa the date rose and they kiss more, which I assumed they've brushed their teeth by this point.

The final group date girls get dressed in their Lululemon best for a track and field inspired "Nick-athalon" date complete with Olympians Allyson Felix, Michelle Carter, and Carl Lewis. There's a long jump compared to the length of a cardboard limo, the high jump into Nick's arms, and a javelin throw at the heart. In the final foot race for hot tub time with Nick, Rachel runs her ass off but totally knocks the victory ring off the platform and Astrid, wearer of the least supportive sports bra ever, wins that extra alone time to makeout with Nick. Meanwhile, Dominique is worried she's falling behind and not getting attention and since I didn't remember she was on the show, she's not wrong. After all the other girls get their time, Dominique finally gets to talk to Nick and vents that she doesn't feel she's getting a fair chance or enough attention. Nick admits their connection isn't very strong and he's bonded more with others, so he lets Dominique go. Nick returns and gives the date rose to Rachel.

Chris Harrison shows up to the house dressed super casual in purple plaid and dirty Adidas sneakers to announce there's no cocktail party... there's a pool party! The girls poorly apply sunscreen to Nick and get as much time as they can in before Corinne steals him away for fun (and straddling) in a bouncy princess castle. All the girls see this and yet again... they're not happy. It's that time of the season: time for the girls to spread the truth about Corinne. And when Vanessa begins to question their relationship and Nick's motives, it's a bad omen.

[All images credited to ABC]

January 9, 2017

The Bachelor: A Nice Day for a Topless Wedding

1/09/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , 1 comment
Week 2

The group date girls giggly drive in convertibles to the first date of the season: a wedding themed photoshoot! Since most of these girls will make a living posing with products on Instagram, this is a great practice date. Some girls get the honor of dressing as a bride while others are subjected to the humiliation of being the permanent bridesmaid. The photoshoots follow the time honored classic: shotgun wedding, Adam and Eve wedding, and 80s wedding. It's each girl's time to get touchy and overly sexual with Nick to get his attention and win the special surprise at the end of the date. Cue Corinne who takes her top off as bikini bride to one-up the other girls. This appeals to the photographer who looks like The Village People meets Weekend at Bernies, who chooses her to win some extra alone time with Nick. At the night portion of the date, Corinne's domination of the date doesn't end, snagging alone time first and interrupting two different girls throughout the night to get more time with Nick. The girls are livid and this annoyance is only intensified when Nick rewards her atrocious behavior with the date rose.

Danielle M receives the first 1-on-1 date and she gets the ultimate experience: a helicopter date! The helicopter lands on a big ol' yacht complete with a hot tub, so basically this is so many Bachelor cliches in one and I love it. The yacht portion of the date is barely shown because it was probably extremely boring because Danielle M is a normal human being. So normal that she doesn't know much about Nick's past on this show so he gives her the recap (sans mentioning when he asked Andi, "Why did you make love to me?"). Danielle shares with Nick that she was once engaged but her fiance passed away five years ago from an overdose. They have a connection so Nick gives Danielle the date rose, which she accepts with a kiss. The night ends with a ride on a completely empty ferris wheel which is the ideal place to kiss high in the sky for TV effect.

The last group date of the heads over to the Museum of Broken Relationships and if anyone deserves a giant presidential portrait there, it's Nick Viall. Nick did contribute an artifact to the museum: a wilted rose and one of his many rejected engagement rings. After reviewing the relics of past love gone wrong, all the girls get a chance to poorly act out a break-up with Nick. The positive is, neither of these are at the dead last phrase of a reality show so it's probably less crappy than Andi and Kaitlyn. Lingering in the air of past broken relationships is Liz and Nick's one night stand many moons ago, which Liz reminds the viewers over and over about. Previously only Christen knew Liz's secret, but in the break-up acting exercise, Liz spills all the tea and apologizes for their failed relationship. Nick begins to panic that all the women know the truth, but they seem to think Liz has written an amazingly detailed work of fiction. Except Christen, who tells Nick she knows the truth and he's not pleased. Nick grabs Liz and begins the grand inquisition to suss out of Liz is here for the right reasons. Nick doesn't get why she didn't ask mutual friends for his number instead of joining the cast of a reality TV show. Liz's reason is she wanted to get to know him because getting barely ten minutes together on group dates is adequate as opposed to phone calls, texts, DMs, etc. Nick decides he left Liz behind months ago and wants to move forward, sending her home from the date.

Next obstacle: making all the women not hate him when they find out the truth that he banged Liz before.

[All images credited to ABC]

January 2, 2017

The Bachelor: Nick's Fourth Time to Find Love on Reality TV

1/02/2017 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 1

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then try again. And then have a miracle happen where TV producers decide to let you try again as the lead on The Bachelor to find love on reality TV a fourth time. Guys, Nick Viall is The Bachelor and I'm excited! Dumped twice at the proposal phase and leaving Bachelor in Paradise without a relationship with Jen, now Nick will have 30 women vying for his heart. Hopefully whoever is by his side at the end doesn't dump him or else MAN, that's an awful track record. Nick's family is supportive and he's got his former Bachelor brothers by his side: Sean Lowe (success), Ben Higgins (success?), and Chris Soules (farm neglector). It's time for Nick's fourth time to shine!

With the driveway slicked down and an overeager Chris Harrison ready to do his one night of hard work all season, it's time for the limos to arrive. And let me tell you guys, these entrances are terrible. So many "how are you?" and "I'm so excited you're the Bachelor!" I need crazies, so here's what we're working with. Danielle throws a fan and calls it "crazy" (but I call it littering). Bachelor franchise-eponymous jeweler Neil Lane shows up to meet Nick for what is already too many times in this series, this time serving as Jasmine G's plus one so she can show Nick the kind of rings she wants. Briana listens to Nick's heart with a stethoscope and Susannah gives him a beard massage. Josephine makes Nick "Lady and the Tramp" a hot dog, which means both take a bite on opposite ends and it's as awful as you think. Lacey makes a grand entrance and arrives on a camel wondering if Nick likes a "good hump." The final arrival of the night is Alexis, donned in a big ol' shark costume except she's extremely confident she's a dolphin. Listen, I have confidence this will be a good season but these entrances were weak.

Nick heads inside to give his introductory inspirational speech, then it's time for the girls to fight for their time to make an impression. Most girls assumed wearing a red dress would make them pop but instead it's a red sea in the Bachelor mansion. Instead of apparel, the girls have to rely on their personalities, which I'm sure is a horror for quite a few in the room. Rachel and Nick talk football and about her sweet lawyer skills. Corinne gifts Nick with an entire Scrooge McDuck sized sack of love tokens. There's a moment of chemistry in the air between Vanessa and Nick where a kiss seems imminent, but Corinne pulls a classic interrupter to grab him and kiss him first. He also has a nice time talking to Danielle M, a neonatal nurse that's kinda boring on TV but likely a good love match for Nick. Alexis' "dolphin" costume finally catches Nick's attention when he discovers her drunkenly wandering in the pool in the costume. Liz is very excited that Nick doesn't initially recall they had sex together at Jade and Tanner's wedding, which she calls mystery and most women would call "sad." Nick's a little suspicious that she declined exchanging numbers at the wedding yet is here to date him on TV. I mean, fair point.

After lingering for hours on the living room table, Nick grabs the first impression rose and gives it to Rachel. They kiss and Rachel leaves on final first impression: red lipstick smudges all over Nick's lips. With Rachel safe and the champagne glass clinked for the Rose Ceremony, the other girls begin to panic about their status with Nick. The roses are handed out and Nick and it's like a parting of the red sea as the girls come down one by one to get their rose. Despite questioning her intentions, the final rose of the night goes to Liz. Eliminated are a whole bunch of girls we didn't even know including a model, a girl who gave Nick an Eskimo kiss, and a girl with the last name Hussy. The group toasts to the journey ahead and I can't wait to mock all of it.

[All images credited to ABC]