January 15, 2018

The Bachelor: GLOBs and Dogs

1/15/2018 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 3

The group date girls put on their wrestling finest to become GLOB: Gorgeous Ladies of The Bachelor (because you know, trademarks). Actual GLOW wrestlers from the 80s come to train the girls and a way too intense for a reality TV show. Their intensity is directed towards all the smirking girls, but in particular drives Bibiana and Tia to sideline tears. The ladies wipes away the tears to take on wrestling personas such as Bridezilla, Sex Kitten, Southern Belle, and my personal favorite: The Lunch Lady. The girls really deliver on some solid wrestling, but to remind everyone wrestling is fake they have Arie come out victorious in a match against Kenny from Rachel's season, an actual professional wrestler. The night ends with drinks in a trendy trailer park which is maybe the most hipstery thing I've ever typed. Bibiana complains about Krystal stealing time, but Arie doesn't care and actually gave Krystal basically the "you do you" answer when she wonders if she should be aggressive for time with him on group dates. Tia likes being comforted by Arie who was surprised the wrestling took her on such an emotional roller coaster ride. But the true winner of the date is Bekah who was a wrestling star and straddle made out with Arie, which gets her the group date rose.

Lauren S hops on a private jet with Arie for a day in Napa wine country. Over wine they share scintillating conversation about going to bed early and Arie wearing cardigans which is apparently a sign of aging. The date moves into a wine cellar for pretend dinner and more terrible conversation as Lauren rambles about everything imaginable. Arie doesn't give her the rose and has a hard time articulating why but we all watched the date so we get it. Production comes to take Lauren's bag and Krystal begins this long speech about using every moment with Arie to the fullest and everyone wants to barf.

The date card says "Love can be ruff" and the girls lose their GD minds at the spelling of ruff, which indicates a dog date. Arie is a dog lover so he's looking for someone with similar interests. Annaliese is not excited because along with bumper car trauma, she had dog trauma as well. After some light training, the girls and their assigned pups put on costumes and attempt to have the dogs performed tricks for a crowd - keyword "attempt." At least Best in Show star Fred Willard is there to emcee this awkward affair. Off to the night portion of the date and lots of women are making connections (and getting that classic Arie head-grab smooch), but Annaliese notices their lack of chemistry and feels behind the pack. Oh, dog pun! The date rose goes to Chelsea, who was happy to see Arie around kids and dogs or something. I forget, I tuned her out TBH.

Arie kicks of the cocktail party praising the good group dates and saying he's gonna have to dump someone when a connection is lacking. Bibiana sets up a romantic setting in the driveway complete with a telescope to see the stars and bed to relax on. Arie stumbles upon this surprise with Lauren B and then utilizes it the rest of the night for time with women besides Bibiana. Arie gets turned on by Bekah, who perfectly analyzes Arie's personality to be attracted to women who need him, like moms, but she doesn't need Arie to be complete. Arie gets off the driveway bed to surprise Tia with hay bales and moonshine. Continuing her stretch of awkward, Arie declines Annaliese's request for a kiss and eventually admits there is no future for them; this reality TV humiliation is another trauma to add to Annaliese's likely long list. Arie escorts Annaliese out and heads in for the Rose Ceremony, where Bibiana is left without a rose and likely a ticket to Bachelor in Paradise or whatever spin-offs are available.


[All images credited to ABC]


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