September 13, 2018

Bachelor in Paradise: Yes, Bitch, Yes

9/13/2018 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
FINALE

Jordan and Jenna receive the most perfect date imaginable: an engagement photoshoot. When the shoot escalates to actual wedding attire, Jenna is uncomfortable at first but Jordan's positivity about their relationship and feelings sets her at ease. Robby Hayes arrives, literally there to hype his Instagram, and seems like he was introduced to be a heel to Jordan and Jenna, but instead he gets a date with Shushanna by default. They hit it off, but Shu is totally unaware of Robby's shady past of dating Amanda on Paradise last season and cheating on her. Olivia loops Shu in so that her friend doesn't get hurt by this desperate influencer. Shu doesn't really care.

Grocery Store Joe is totally smitten with Kendall, but he's worried she doesn't want to be committed. Kendall feels pressured with this show and feels love but isn't sure if she's in love, and Joe is in love with her but bottled up a lot of resentment because she was open to other guys too. And so Grocery Store Joe decides to leave Paradise knowing that their relationship wasn't as strong as he thought/hoped. Kendall also follows suit and departs Paradise in tears right before the Rose Ceremony. Speaking of Rose Ceremony, one of those happens and there's no suspense except will Olivia give her rose to Diggy or Venmo John? It's Venmo John and Diggy gets a ride home with a hired trumpet player.

Chris Harrison rolls up to be the party pooper that ends Paradise. At this point, committed couples only, so see you later casuals. Venmo John tells Olivia he's super into her but they're not Fantasy Suite ready, so they leave together to pursue their relationship outside of Paradise. Cassandra and Kiwi Jordan briefly departed the Friendzone, but in the real world Jordan is quick to say nah, it was fun while it lasted. Shu and Robby, in his Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct tank top, agree to go on a date back home. But the most shocking departure is our beloved Kevin and Astrid. Kevin has the realization that he's 80% into this and breaks up with a mind-boggled Astrid, who specifically asked him not to blindside her. Kevin and Astrid leave Paradise separately and our hearts break.

So three couples head to the Fantasy Suite to express their blooming love for each other, make another Polish sausage dick joke, and likely have sex off-camera. I mean talk! But who cares about the Bone Zone, let's see who gets engaged after three weeks! First up, Annaliese gives an impassioned speech to Kamil and then he gives yet another speech where he sounds like 20% interested in her, but their ending is they're still dating but not at the point of engagement. Second, Jenna and Jordan declare their love for each other and get engaged. Finally, Chris and Krystal. Imagine getting proposed to while the love of your life wears ripped white jeans. Chris does the old fake out saying he doesn't want to leave holding her hand, but holding her heart; they get engaged.

Onto the reunion!

Venmo John and Olivia did Facetime and have a weekend together, but he ended things as it was a long distance relationship - but maybe started pursuing things with Chelsea? Eric keeps insisting him and Angela were just friends, but she isn't allowing this narrative considering she was very open. Benoit and Jordan get into it about Jenna, but there's shockingly amends between Jordan and David. Tia is happy her and Colton gave their relationship a shot and they have resolution as friends.

But onto some great news! Paradise tragedies turn into success at the reunion. Astrid hoped watching the finale would give her closure with Kevin, but it didn't help and she needs a conversation. Bring him onstage, then! Kevin admits the phrase "Fantasy Suite" shattered him due to Winter Games and through therapy has worked through the baggage he brought to Paradise. Kevin still loves Astrid and she still loves him. Hope is alive! Kendall realizes she regretted pushing Joe so as soon as her plane landed she hopped onto a flight to Chicago, with cameras in tow of course. Kendall tells Joe she's in love with him, but he's shut part of his feelings down for her after getting his heart smushed on the beaches of Mexico. But good news: Kendall and Joe are back on track! Wait, great news: Grocery Store Joe is going to be on Dancing with the Stars!

Now onto the Fantasy Suite crew updates. Annaliese is still projecting that all is OK with her relationship, but Kamil isn't ready for a relationship at this level and breaks up with her on national television. Annaliese is furious because she tried to dump him two weeks ago because she was putting in "90" and he was putting in "10." Basically, at the end of all of this, it was scummy for him to do this breakup on TV. Jordan says him and Jenna have had some tough times with the distance, but they have overcome any issues they've encountered. Jordan is all smiles around Jenna but her smiles seem forced, even after asking Chris Harrison to order their wedding on June 9, 2019. But that probably isn't happening. Chris and Krystal wrap up the couples, and he's in tears over their love and he got to meet her dogs. Chris Harrison gifts them with a crystal goose and I don't think they understood the joke.

And with one last blooper reel we say goodbye to Paradise until next summer. It's been great recapping it and thanks for bearing with my delays. This show is a LOT of hours.

[All images credited to ABC]


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