February 5, 2019

The Bachelor: Heather Been Kissed

2/05/2019 Posted by Mel Got Served , No comments
Week 5

Heather gets the first 1-on-1 date in Thailand and if you thought "Will Colton lose his virginity?" was an annoying question, imagine a whole date around "Will Heather have her first kiss ever with Colton?" The pair take a boat out to this amazing floating city with shops and food - book my ticket, please! Heather is waiting for her perfect first kiss but is totally OK licking the same ice cream cone as Colton which I find far more intimate (and germy) than a smooch. At dinner, Heather explains she dated a guy for 8 months and they didn't kiss because it just never happened/wasn't right and even Colton sees the no kissing as a red flag. But that doesn't stop Colton from giving Heather the date rose and her first kiss ever under a sky full of fireworks.

Elyse becomes the first girl to snap from "the process" of harem dating on a reality TV show. Elyse puts on her most flowy ethereal dress and heads to Colton's hotel room to explain she needs  time and attention for a true relationship, which is non-existent in this show. Colton's into her but she can't share his time with other people and then be expected to get engaged at the end of this. Girl, this is the WRONG show. Elyse quits the show because she knows she can't accept a proposal at the end of dating for a cumulative time of maybe four days. Someone.... actually is upset at themselves for choosing to be on this sham of a show? I'm speechless.

Ok my speech is back and we're onto the group date. A wonderful guide gives Colton and his ladies training on how to survive in the wild, like identifying poop, eating bugs, and touching creepy crawlies. Colton confronts his fear of snakes by letting one sit on his neck so that's progress. While Colton and his group of ladies scavage for food, somehow (AKA producers handed) Demi and the Hannahs bring plates of burgers as the food they "found." What a laugh! Colton is super into Tayshia because she snuck him away for mid-food-scavaging kissing and they kiss on the beach. Hannah B will see your sneak-away kissing and up the ante with the "I'm falling in love with you" line. Onyeka decides to pull Colton aside to tell him that honest Elyse said Nicole is using this show as an opportunity to "leave Miami." Nicole's upset, Tayshia defends Nicole that the conversation was misconstrued, and it's all a mess.

Cassie finally gets a 1-on-1 date with Colton and take a boat to their own private makeout island. Like that's ALL they do. Barely talking, just nonstop ocean kissing. Fast forward to nighttime where they stop full on making out for a while (but still continue periodically kissing) and talk about the ol' virginity bomb we hadn't heard in like a week maybe. Turns out Cassie's "community" (whatever that means) doesn't know she's not a virgin and will find out because of this show. So you can't be a virgin, but you also can't not be a virgin on this show? Help, I'm confused. Somehow they end up snuggling and smooching in a bed and Colton tells Cassie he's "crazy about her." Of course she has a date rose because Colton's way into her and hopes she's all-in too. Foreshadowing???

At the cocktail party, Colton lights a lantern with Tayshia, gets a trust ring from Demi, and has Kirpa check his teeth. Nicole tries to assure Colton that she's genuine and here for real love, but then decides to throw Onyeka under the bus by saying Onyeka has been bullying her the entire time. Onyeka is appalled by these accusations and confronts Nicole and as they go back and forth, for some reason Colton decides to join and listen to their redundant argument. He realizes this is pointless and annoying and literally walks away from the entire cocktail party to avoid this bullshit.

[All images credited to ABC and Fanart.tv]